


is it my fault the fallen embers burn

by imasradiantasthesun



Series: i'm so sorry that you have to have a body [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Agni Kai (Avatar), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Azula & Zuko (Avatar) Have a Good Relationship, Bending (Avatar), Body Horror, Dark, Fire Nation Royal Family, Firebending & Firebenders, Gen, Gore, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, POV Alternating, POV Third Person, Partially Blind Zuko (Avatar), Partially Deaf Zuko (Avatar), Pre-Canon, Protective Azula (Avatar), Protective Zuko (Avatar), Shadowbending & Shadowbenders, Sign Language, Swearing, Worldbuilding, Zuko (Avatar) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Zuko's Scar (Avatar), ozai's lowkey pissed she's a better bender than him, ursa is a firebender and also a bad bitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 48,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27553729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imasradiantasthesun/pseuds/imasradiantasthesun
Summary: Firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily. Fire Lord Ozai knows this.When Crown Prince Zuko kneels before him with tears streaming down his face, the Fire Lord understands that it will take a considerable amount of effort to brand him.Itwouldbe shameful for a crown prince to bear the mark of a coward, after all. Abanishedprince, on the other hand-Well, if he survives long enough for it to scar, that is. Ozai is indifferent to either outcome.// updates about once a week!
Relationships: Azula & Mai & Ty Lee & Zuko, Azula & Ursa (Avatar), Azula & Zuko (Avatar), Azula (Avatar) & Original Character(s), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Mai/Ty Lee (Avatar), Ozai & Zuko (Avatar), Ozai/Ursa (Avatar), Zuko (Avatar) & Original Character(s)
Series: i'm so sorry that you have to have a body [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2071563
Comments: 196
Kudos: 426





	1. scorched by the sun

**Author's Note:**

> perspective shifts are marked by extra spaces between paragraphs. five dashes is a time skip
> 
> fic title is from My Body by Young the Giant
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> disclaimer: i do not own Avatar: the Last Airbender or any of its characters. writing this for fun :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I feel the endless pain of being_   
>  _And I am scorched by the sun_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from Brutus by the Buttress
> 
> mini playlist to get in the mood for this chapter bc why not:  
> brutus by the buttress (i have so many strong feelings abt this one)  
> youth by glass animals (a PERFECT ursa song)  
> bad bad things by ajj  
> sweet hibiscus tea by penelope scott  
> heart for brains by roar  
> 

Firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily. Prince Ozai knows this.

Whenever - _Not if, but_ when _,_ he thinks in disgust - his son fails to meet the standards of a descendent of Sozin - _even Lu Ten, nonbender that he is, performed those katas better at Zuko’s age_ \- it’s easy for Ozai to avoid leaving scars when delivering Zuko’s punishments.

It would be shameful for a prince to bear the marks of a coward, after all. 

Father’s acts of love - _That’s what they are, right? Yeah. Love. ‘Cause he wants me to get better,_ Zuko thinks. _‘Cause he wants ‘Zula to learn from when I do bad. ‘Cause he cares_ \- are delivered behind closed doors, where no one can see the faint red marks on Zuko’s skin that quickly fade, but hurt nonetheless. Where no one can see Azula’s eyes fill with tears. Where no one can see Mom's face go eerily blank. 

Once, before Crown Prince Iroh leaves for battle, he and his brother observe the children’s training. Azula is perfection, taking in the new forms quickly and executing them precisely. Zuko, meanwhile, stumbles. He regains his footing quickly, a flicker of fear flashing across his face as he sneaks a glance at Ozai. _Odd,_ Iroh thinks as he takes a sip of his tea.

Toward the end of training, Azula performs a cartwheel - she says that her friend, whose name Iroh _just_ so happens to let slip from his mind, showed her how to do one - while shooting fire from her feet. She seems happy to impress her parents - even happier to impress her brother.

Zuko, not one to be outdone, then tries to do the same.

 _He is eager to learn, and stubborn enough to get it right,_ Iroh thinks. _Well, if you exclude the tree that caught on fire. But hey, things happen._ Ozai, though, does not take it so lightly.

“Prince Zuko!” Iroh pretends not to notice how his nephew flinches.

Ozai grabs Zuko’s wrist, smoke already emanating from where his palm is placed. Iroh’s eyes grow wide. To his nephew’s credit, he continues to struggle against his father’s grip despite the pain he must be in.

In the past, Iroh has accepted Zuko’s explanations for the bruises and fading burns that appear on his body. With a sister like Azula, or friends like the strong pink girl and monotonous one with knives whose names Iroh _definitely_ knows - _When I return from battle, I vow to become closer to my niece. She needs a_ real _father figure in her life, who will care enough to know her friends’ names and assure her that anything less than perfection_ is _acceptable, and that she’s allowed to show love. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I still have a wall to penetrate, a battle to win, my_ own _son to look after_ \- 

Well. Injuries are bound to happen.

But _this_. Iroh never expected this. And all he can do is watch as his brother drags Zuko away, into the palace.

\-----

Firebenders' skin doesn't burn easily. Soon-to-be-Fire Lord Ozai knows this.

That's why, when his wife interrupts his attempt to claim the throne with a golden flame dagger _(dragon's fire)_ to Fire Lord Azulon's throat, Ozai decides to resort to a knife instead.

Ursa will do anything for her children. Her protective turtleduck Zuko and fierce, moose-lion-hearted Azula. Both show potential to one day outshine even their mother's firebending abilities.

Azula, now age eight, has already mastered blue fire and is a true prodigy. Masters from all over the Nation fought over the right to train the girl. Ozai allowed her daughter to choose her masters, though none stood up to her test - that is, none would train her brother alongside her. So Ursa taught her children firebending.

Zuko, at eleven, always disappoints Ozai. Master firebender Ursa may be, but a lady must _obey_ her husband _(I tried many times to stop Ozai before I learned that that often made things worse for my son)._

So he learns other types of bending.

Like shadow bending. _Duh._ Not at all impressive - it’s not like he _totally_ invented that type of firebending in order to avoid his father. _Nope,_ Ursa smirked when she first caught a glimpse of Zuko disappearing after training one day, only to look up a few moments later to see him reappear on a shady spot of the palace roof. _Not a prodigy at all._

Ursa will do anything for her children. She wakes in the middle of the night to find the Fire Lord restraining Zuko - _Even half awake, he has so much fight in him,_ she admires - and her husband with a palm full of fire.

She acts.

Firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily. Princess Ursa knows this. She is powerful though, with Avatar Roku’s blood flowing through her veins. Azulon dies quickly, Fire Lord Sozin’s blood no longer flowing through his.

Zuko doesn’t understand what his parents are saying. He tries to listen in to their conversation, tries to ignore Grandfather. He sinks back into the darkness.

“--assassination gone wrong--” _What does that word mean again?_

“--If your plan succeeds, I promise no harm will come to either of them.”

“Thank you, Ozai.”

_Huh,_ Zuko thinks. _When has Mom ever called Father by his name?_

He doesn’t get time to ponder that thought. Father takes out a knife - _A knife! Has Father studied the blade like I have?_ \- and-

Ozai relies too heavily on his bending. He knows that firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily. He _doesn’t_ know where to stab one to ensure the fastest death. He _doesn’t_ know that Ursa would be dead by now if he hadn’t kept the knife in the deep wound.

The pool of blood on the stone floor grows. It seems as if Grandfather's eyes had closed a long time ago. Footsteps - _Father's footsteps_ \- lead away from the throne room. Mom's breathing becomes slower, her eyes move around wildly, and the room grows colder, as if her body thinks absorbing all the heat will save her.

It doesn't. Mom's last breath comes out as a puff of steam as the blood on the floor begins to freeze.

In the shadows, all Zuko can do is watch.

The heir to the throne and child of the Sun lives.

\-----

Firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily. Fire Lord Ozai knows this.

When Crown Prince Zuko kneels before him with tears streaming down his face, the Fire Lord understands that it will take a considerable amount of effort to brand his skin. 

It _would_ be shameful for a crown prince to bear the mark of a coward, after all. A _banished_ prince, on the other hand-

Well, if he survives long enough for it to scar, that is. Ozai is indifferent to either outcome.

The last thing Zuko sees out of his left eye is his father's disapproving face. The last time Zuko cries from his left side is over his father’s love.

 _He’s doing this because he cares._

The last sound Zuko hears from his left ear is his own screams.

Those screams- _Agni, those screams._ They take far too long to end. He takes far too long to _burn_ for Azula's liking. 

Azula can only watch. She can’t look away, not when Father first grabs Zuko’s phoenix tail.

Not when Zuko instinctively tries and fails to bend the shadows toward him _(Flickering in and out, he looks like candlelight)_. 

Not when his voice grows weak - from pain, smoke inhalation, or all the spirits-damned screaming, Azula can’t tell.

Not when Father finally takes his hand off of her dear brother’s face. Not when Zuko falls to the ground, unconscious, his left side aflame.

Not when the Fire Lord _(my father)_ , grandson of Sozin, son of Azulon, and Agni’s _(supposed)_ chosen, turns to the crowd _(no more closed doors)_ to declare his response _(torture)_ to the traitor’s _(my brother’s)_ cowardice as a lesson _(threat)_ to those who dare oppose him.

She acts.

One of the first lessons children are taught, besides breathing (Azula always hated breathing exercises, though she’d never show it of course), was how to put fires out. Simple enough.

From her place in the stands, Azula faces her palms to the ground and extends her arms downward. Her movements are practiced and smooth, her face is blank _(just like Mother's)_.

_I have always loved Zuko more than I fear Father._

When Iroh finally brings himself to look, his brother is facing the audience with his back turned to his nephew, whose body is still smoldering.

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the conversation between ozai and ursa is inspired by [this amazing art](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/634530230583918592/kathuon-from-the-search-part-2-when-ozai-and)
> 
> check these out!  
> [pinterest board](https://pin.it/1X3pGpK)  
> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5yzMEaXrQP6cerh8vdxizX?si=r_hwVYDXRQytYDVeTfjgNg)  
> [character glossary](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/641180312843534336/character-glossary-pt-2)  
> my tumblr, [aristotles-denial](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/), including the #fallen embers and #ez talks tags to hear me rant and give updates :)
> 
> yes, ik during the show azula is 14 and zuko is 16. i really like the hc i’ve seen in a few fics that zuko was born in winter while azula was born in summer. so imo zuko is 2 1/2 years older than azula (plus i love big brother zuko)  
> edit 1/17/21: nvm they are both Babie so in this, by the time of the agni kai zuko has Just turned 13, and azula will be turning 10 in a month or two.
> 
> edit 1/6/21: i tried to keep the edits consistent w/ my writing style at the time i originally posted and to not shove the same exact ideas from my other agni kai fic (which oh yeah you should totally read [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28236843) \- it's the second fic in this series as well) but eh. my writing style is sexy my brain is large my symbolism is off the charts and my meat is huge
> 
> this first chapter was originally a one-shot posted in 11/20. i edited it heavily then posted the second chapter on 1/12/21. so fear not! i update on average every 3 days, though it may sometimes take about a week :D
> 
> thank you sm for reading!! comments & kudos are very much appreciated!
> 
> -ez <3


	2. awake, but cannot open my eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sometimes in the morning_   
>  _I am petrified and can't move_   
>  _Awake, but cannot open my eyes_   
>  _And the weight is crushing down_   
>  _On my lungs, I know I can't breathe_   
>  _And hope someone will save me this time_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: the whole body horror element of this fic is way amped up in this chapter compared to the previous one
> 
> ALSO if you read chapter 1 prior to 2021, i highly recommend going back and reading it! my writing is heavily dependent on repetition lol plus ive added a good amt of details thatll make some things in this chapter make more sense
> 
> thank you to [greyj30](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greyj30) for beta reading and letting me spitball ideas w/ you <3
> 
> title and summary from a better son/daughter by rilo kiley
> 
> mini playlist bc i had trouble choosing the chapter title:  
> a better son/daughter by rilo kiley (this entire song...hoo boy...)  
> hello my old heart by the oh hellos  
> cherry wine by hozier  
> daddy issues by the neighbourhood (classic)  
> you can find my full atla playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1OSxWqvFb8IJAxdiam4be3?si=8Gn2Ial-QDSTdGjVrumUfw)

Mai, Ty Lee, and Azula have been best friends since meeting at the Royal Fire Academy for Girls. They are all more similar than they’d like to think.

Shadowbending may be Zuko’s thing, but the three girls hide in different ways. Azula with her biting remarks and fierce prowess, Ty Lee under her bubbly and outgoing personality, Mai behind her disinterest and monotone voice.

The group has been best friends since meeting at the Royal Fire Academy for Girls, but Mai and Ty Lee know each other best, being able to meet up outside the palace. Mai tries to teach her friend how to throw knives, and in return, is taught some chi-blocking.

 _Just being together is nice too,_ Mai thinks. She would never admit it, but being with Ty Lee makes it harder for her to keep a straight face that’s free of a smile.

Mai breaks into a sweat when summoned to the Fire Lord’s throne room. Their betrothal may be solely political, but she and Zuko are still close friends. He had told her - _some of (he said that was all, but he’s never been a good liar; that’s Azula’s forte) _\- what happened to Lady Ursa.__

____

__

Azula’s intelligence is apparent in every interaction Mai has with her. But she’s noticed that when it comes to her brother - _Well,_ serious _matters with Zuko. Azula holds no qualms with talking circles around him or tricking him into pushing me into a fountain_ \- her focus becomes so narrow others’ actions slip through the cracks of her view.

Mai doesn’t lie to the Fire Lord when he asks if she saw who put the fire out. She hadn’t been looking, as she was consoling Ty Lee.

Mai _can’t_ lie when Fire Lord Ozai asks if she has any suspicions - if she doesn’t, he says he’ll just have to talk with Ty Lee.

They have been best friends since meeting at the Royal Fire Academy for Girls, so it hurts Mai to utter Azula’s name in the throne room.

\- 

Ty Lee gives Azula one of her pink ribbons before she leaves. She watches with tears in her eyes as Mai gives their friend a dagger with intricate designs on it.

In the few days following- _Nope, I’m not even going to think about it. Happy thoughts!_

Lately, everyone’s auras have changed. Azula’s aura is usually red _(How patriotic!)_. Ty Lee thinks it really suits her, what with her passion and confidence and all.

Mai’s usual aura is tan - she’s dependable, controlled, and logical, but also private. _Her aura is always so pretty._

Ty Lee’s is always pink, of course!

But now, everyone’s auras are darker. Ty Lee hasn’t even been able to see Zuko, but his aura is orange normally. He’s always been the risk-taker of their group, and she thinks he can overcome _any_ challenge thrown his way.

_Oh no! But if he’s- Maybe he doesn’t have- If he’s- then his aura- What if he’s gone?_

Ty Lee and Mai aren’t allowed to say goodbye to Zuko.

\- 

Azula would _never_ admit it, but she misses her friends already. As the ship pulls out of the port, she slips Mai’s dagger into her boot. Ty Lee’s ribbon gets tied into her hair.

\----- 

In the healer’s room, Zuko’s breathing is labored, but he doesn’t dream. He doesn’t wake up for _days_. When he finally does, all he does is scream.

\----- 

Lieutenant Jee Narong admits that he isn’t the standard in terms of morality. None of this crew is - that’s why the Fire Lord hand selected them. _A disgraced crew for his disgraced children._

The engineer - Ryuji is his name - is always spreading rumors. The commander of the last ship he was on saw this as a form of a dissent.

Hoshi has somehow picked up some pickpocketing skills in their short time as a cook. And then put those skills to use to steal from their superiors.

As a waterbender, Mikazuki would never stand a chance on any other Fire Navy ship. Her grandmother may have been taken during raids on the South Pole, but the member of the deck crew swears her loyalty is to the Fire Nation and the Fire Nation only. _Apparently the Fire Lord doesn’t want to take any chances though._

Gan takes nothing seriously. And why should he? It’s not like he’s in charge of _komodo rhinos_. It’s not like he’s in charge of _messenger hawks carrying battle plans._

Jee has no clue why Yong-Yut is part of the deck crew. No one really knows much about her at all. She never speaks.

Taka may be of noble heritage, but she thinks navigation is her true calling. _How is that disgraceful? Spirits, nobles and their petty rules,_ Jee thinks.

Anzu and General Iroh go way back. She didn’t need to have a record that needs to be cleaned in order to sign on as the ship’s medic.

And last but _certainly_ not least: Chai Son. Jee groans just thinking about the last member of the deck crew. _There’s really no way to describe him other than a little bastard._

Chai Son is the youngest crewmate. They may have all just met recently, but he, Hoshi, and Mikazuki immediately bonded over their youth and are usually together - which _really_ gets on Jee’s nerves when they’re supposed to be working. (“What’s Hoshi supposed to do all day, they’re just the cook! _Please_ let them stay out with us Mr. Lieutenant!” “Chai Son as your superior I am ordering you to shut up.”)

And that leaves Jee himself. He admits he’s not the standard in terms of morality. Apparently placing bets _against_ one’s own nation doesn’t bode well in the military.

\----- 

Iroh watches over his nephew as he heals. He makes tea while Azula tells her brother, who lies in the spare cot in Anzu’s room, about every “absolutely _boring_ ” port they stop at, every “ _ridiculously_ uncivilized” person she meets, and every “frankly _horrendous_ ” thing she overhears the crew say.

Iroh chuckles as he hands Azula her cup. He knows that though she is rightfully wary of everyone, his niece is having the time of her life away from the palace. He wishes he could say the same about Zuko.

Iroh looks at his nephew, who is swathed in bandages. All that can be seen of Zuko’s face is the right side of his mouth and jaw, all that can be seen of Zuko’s torso is his right arm, all that can be seen of _Zuko_ is a burned little boy. He shifts ever so slightly in bed and lets out a miniscule whimper.

For a moment, Iroh sees the image of another boy - though about five years older than Zuko is now, he was still just a _boy_ \- in a medical tent and covered with bandages (an earthbender with sharpened stone had gotten to him), his body - _or what was left of it. They never did find his right arm_ \- weakening.

Iroh shakes his head. _This is different._ These are burns, _not_ cuts.

This is a ship in neutral waters, _not_ an army on the outskirts of Ba Sing Se.

This is a melted face, _not_ a butchered arm.

This is guards carrying a stretcher out of an Agni Kai arena, _not _comrades running off a battlefield.__

____

____

This is saliva - blackened by ash - and blood dripping from a mouth, _not_ dirt-covered intestines being held in with a bloody hand.

This is breath from an otherwise still body, _not_ rigid convulsions that prelude death.

This is Zuko, _not_ Lu Ten.

Iroh shakes his head once again, and walks over to Zuko’s bedside.

\----- 

Chai Son appears outside Anzu’s room. The medic opens the door with eyebrows raised at the sight of the incessantly cheerful boy. He’s out of breath. _I wonder who he was trying to outrun,_ Anzu thinks.

”I think I should be able to meet Prince Zuko before the rest of the crew. As a treat.”

Anzu rolls her eyes and closes the door, but not before she hears a little girl’s voice from down the hall ask what a “filthy crew member” is doing trying to see “Zuzu”.

\- 

”Why is your shirt charred?” Mikazuki asks.

”Oh no reason-”

”Agni, your shirt is still smoking Chai Son!”

”It does that sometimes.”

\----- 

Taka takes a liking to the princess. She’s curious and is always asking questions. Princess Azula reminds Taka a lot of herself.

The girl is wary of the crew members at first. She reminds Taka a lot of herself.

_”Where are you from? You don’t look like Mother.”_

__

_”My family has governed Yu Dao for generations.”_

_”Hm. So not a peasant like the rest of the people here. You don’t look like the rest of them either.”_

_”I_ am _from the colonies.”_

__

Princess Azula seems wary of the other crew members at first. Except the navigator. _”You don’t look like Mother.”_ She reminds Taka a lot of herself.

\----- 

Iroh sees Azula's face light up when she receives letters from her friends - _whose names escape me, I’ve had a very busy week_ \- and sees Zuko's frown soften when his sister reads them to him.

\- 

Azula watches Uncle Iroh lift Zuko’s head up to help him drink. It’s become almost a routine for her to have tea with Uncle and Zuko.

The teacup is jostled, sending some of the scalding hot liquid to fling over its side. Before Iroh can react - _Uncle is closest, it would simply be a waste of energy for me to worry about something so trivial_ \- Zuko raises his right hand, upper arm still resting on the cot. 

Azula can sense immediately - _Firebenders are_ always _aware of their surroundings._ Master _firebenders, that is_ \- that Zuko is about to bend. She doesn’t know of any forms that can be done when incapacitated like her brother is, though. _Better take note of it in the event I can use it to my advantage,_ Azula thinks.

His wrist is bent in the direction of the tea, with his thumb, middle, and forefingers extended. Zuko loosely curls his fingers together and angles his wrist in the opposite direction, toward the wall and away from others in a fluid movement. The steam coming from the cup dissipates. 

Zuko’s fingers extend back out quickly, and Azula can see the area in front of his fingertips blur from heat haze.

Azula lifts an inquisitive brow. _Impressive. Well, for someone whose bandages are so extensive that they can double as a funeral shroud._

Despite its newly moderate temperature, Zuko still hisses when the spilled tea lands on the bandages that wrap his left shoulder. Azula smirks. She can ponder how he knew the tea was spilling later - as the little sister, it’s Azula’s Spirits-given right to make fun of him right now.

“Don’t act so weak, brother. Really, Zuzu, one drop of lukewarm tea? Is that all it takes to get a reaction out of you? How are you supposed to _heal_ if you spend all day whimpering?” Azula scoffs.

She smiles sweetly and prances out of the room with teacup in hand, not spilling one drop all the while.

The princess turns in the doorway. “Now can you stop moping and start getting better already? Sparring matches are much more fun when it’s _you_ I’m defeating.”

In her own way, Azula is watching over Zuko as he heals as well.

\----- 

”You’re a waterbender, yes?” Anzu asks one morning over breakfast.

”You got a problem with that?”

Hoshi chuckles. The medic shakes her head. “I’m assuming you’re a healer then?”

”No? What does that have to do with me being a waterbender?”

Anzu turns to General Iroh. “Why the fuck did you hire her if not to be my apprentice.”

Chai Son chokes on his food and slides Gan a small bag of coins. Ryuji mumbles obscenities under his breath and tosses a few coins to Yong-Yut, who silently passes them to Gan.

\----- 

In her quarters, Azula stifles her cries when she wakes up from a nightmare.

No one must know of her weakness _(no more closed doors)_.

No one must know that many nights, she sees her brother’s face after the fire was extinguished, skin darkened - _charred_ \- like the shadows he bends to his will _(he looks like candlelight)_.

No one must know how bothered she is that Mother never said goodbye before she was mur- before she got herself killed like a _fool_.

No one must know that Azula stands guard at night waiting to hear Zuko’s screams again _(Agni, those screams. All the spirits-damned screaming)_.

\----- 

”Why do you have those scars on your face?”

Yong-Yut doesn’t answer the princess.

\----- 

”You know, Zuzu, Ryuji has told me an awful lot of fun stories. You should get out of bed and hear them some time.”

That earns a grunt. Azula smirks.

”It was brought to my attention by Gan - I think you’d like him, Zuzu. He’s also trained with swords - that it seems as if Lieutenant Jee has a strange moral code against swearing.” _I haven’t heard any of the crew swear though, so I wouldn’t know. Cowards._ “Ryuji speculates that he has, and I quote, “Daddy issues” - whatever _that’s_ supposed to mean - and that he was probably punished for swearing as a child. Chai Son disagrees. What do you think, Zuzu?”

No response. _What else did I expect?_

\----- 

In the medic’s room, Zuko rasps - _I couldn’t scream anymore even if I wanted to_ \- when he wakes up from a nightmare.

No one must know of his weakness _(everyone I know was already there to witness it)_.

No one must know that many nights, Zuko sees his father’s cold glare and fiery hand _(he did this because he cares)_.

No one must know - _Uncle can_ never _find out_ \- that he saw the general look away before the blinding light was all he could see _(that's what it is, right? Yeah. Love)_.

No one must know that Zuko doesn’t sleep most nights, waiting for Grandfather to bring him back to the throne room where Father will be waiting with a hand full of fire and Mom will-

_I have to get out of here._

\- 

Jee may not be the standard in terms of morality, but he knows that whatever was done to make the _(former?)_ Crown Prince run out of Anzu’s room, still wrapped in bandages, right as the day and night shifts are switching is _fucked_. 

\- 

_Well now he’s a fast one,_ Gan thinks, not doing anything to stop the Prince.

\- 

Yong-Yut uses her shoulder to push herself off the wall she was leaning on. She takes two steps, then catches the Prince by the right arm.

He doesn’t seem to be surprised and yet struggles against her grip. _Acting on instinct,_ the deckhand thinks. _That will only ever get him in more trouble._ She has the scars - two thin, sunken lines - to prove it, and it seems as if the Prince does as well.

Yong-Yut loosens her grip and holds her position until the royal tires himself out. She guides him back to the healer’s room - the crewmate observed earlier that the medic tends to have tea and trade war stories with the general before retiring for the night - and eases him into a seiza position.

She lights a few candles with a flick of her wrist. Yong-Yut guides the prince’s right hand to rest on her chest. She inhales deeply through her nose, then exhales slowly out of her mouth. He eventually catches on, and the candlelight moves with his slowing breaths.

Yong-Yut moves to stand up when a smaller, calloused right hand reaches out, just barely missing her arm. She adjusts his hand so it is resting on her elbow. The prince lightly taps his thin fingers in a steady rhythm.

_One two. One two. One two._

A heartbeat.

_Zuko. Zuko. Zuko._

The woman rests her roughened, scarred fingers over his small, unscarred wrist _(firebenders' skin doesn't burn easily)_.

_One two. One two. One two._

She finds his pulse.

_Yong-Yut. Yong-Yut. Yong-Yut._

\----- 

_If it truly was a bad burn, then he would’ve been dead by now. Fatal injuries should be the only thing to stop a firebender. Zuzu’s probably just being overdramatic._

Azula reaches her hand towards the bandages on her brother’s face, but is stopped when her wrist is suddenly grabbed in Zuko’s right hand. _Spirits, how does he keep doing that?_

Azula wriggles in his grasp. “Let me go Zuzu! Or I’m telling Uncle!”

Zuko grits his teeth. A hoarse reply. “Don’t. Touch. Me.”

 _The first time he speaks since the Agni Kai, and that’s what he says? No “thank you for saving my life Azula, I am now in your debt”? Ugh._ She quickly recovers from being caught off guard. Azula rolls her eyes before stopping. Zuko can’t see her. _Wait. Can he?,_ she thinks. _That’s something to figure out with Taka._

“Whatever. The medic is going to be changing your bandages soon. And anyway, it’s not like you were afraid I was going to _hurt_ you, _right Zuzu?_ ” She says in a sickly sweet voice.

No reply. Azula lets herself roll her eyes this time. After a few moments, Zuko lets go of her wrist.

\- 

Anzu quirks her eyebrow at the Princess, who merely glances at her. With a satisfied look on her face, Princess Azula skips over to the chair that Iroh keeps by the bedside and takes a seat. _An audience._

The medic ignores the girl’s sharp eyes and begins to unwind Prince Zuko’s bandages - the boy knows the routine by now. _The girl doesn’t._

Anzu has treated many injuries _(to the best of her abilities)_ in her life. An ostrich-horse kick to the face.

An accidental step into a boiling hot spring.

A hand nailed to the wall with a spike.

Lungs full of dirt and mud from a landslide.

A leg crushed by an overturned cart.

A mouth sliced from ear to ear.

A deep stab wound from assassins with the knife left in.

Intestines shoved back into a body.

The medic has treated many different people in her life. An overconfident animal handler.

A lost recruit in a colonial town _(She said she was distracted, hadn’t seen cherry blossoms in years. She said they reminded her of home. When the infection spread, all I could do was watch)._

_(She went home in an urn etched with cherry blossoms.)_

A commander who assumed the Earth Kingdom women he would awake at night were defenseless. _(Good for her.)_

The few initial survivors of a doomed division.

_Few people know that anyone newly assigned to the regimen is fated to die soon. They’ve been used as bait for the last quarter of a century at least. The only changes to the routine are the names on the funeral plaques. I caught on only a few years into my career and noticed the pattern on the patients’ files._

__

__

_(41st. 41st. 41st.)_

An Earth Kingdom teen selling cabbages for his father’s business.

A spy sent back with a message for her superiors.

A frozen noblewoman whose body had tiny, bloody footprints leading away from it.

A mangled future heir crying out for his father.

Anzu has treated many injuries in her life. None so extensive, on such a small body.

_I am done burying your family for you, Iroh._

Prince Zuko is healing well. The bandages should stay on a little longer to dissuade bacteria - his eyes had already gotten infected once, and Anzu had heard enough about it from his uncle. He is ready to start walking about and should begin to practice speaking again.

The medic turns when she hears a small choking noise. Princess Azula sits in her uncle’s seat with wide eyes and legs dangling above the ground. In her peripheral vision, Anzu sees Prince Zuko weakly wave to his sister. The girl runs out of the room.

\- 

That morning, Iroh receives the news. His instinct is to set the paper on fire. He doesn’t. It is important to his nephew.

He tells Zuko during their afternoon tea.

\- 

Zuko doesn’t have any nightmares that night. In fact he doesn’t sleep at all.

_It was all for nothing._

He lets his mind rot. His body is way ahead of him.

_41st. 41st. 41st._

__

__

_Nothing. Nothing. Nothing._

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a simple person. i use repetition, italics, and asyndeton and think im on some profound shit
> 
> im not going to pretend i know/understand much abt all the positions & jobs for crew members of a ship so. if you see a mistake or a really vague description of someone’s job. no you didnt >:)
> 
> alright my plan for this changed substantially after i made the silly lil decision to create a few OCs for zukos crew. three hours later i had ten(?) OCs w/ names, their positions in the crew, slight backstories, & personalities. and im kinda in love w them. so this fic may be sm longer than i planned. if you came here from the angsty first chapter i am so sorry i made bastard OCs and just had to write some scenes of them shitting on the royal family
> 
> edit 1/13: i Just realized that anzu wouldn’t have been able to treat both lu ten And ursa given the show’s (implied?? i need to rewatch) timeline SO let’s just say that azulon & ursa died like,,,a few months after lu ten did
> 
> OH i forgot to add it into the actual story but zuko doesn’t have to shave his head in this. ik some people like him as a beautiful bald boy but after some thinking i’ve decided i just simply do not vibe w it. zuko gets to keep all his hair (w/ the exception of where the scar is) b/c i can’t take this seriously when rereading it w/ the image of bald ponytail zuko in my mind
> 
> ik how it can be frustrating when update schedules are up in the air but……when the next chapter is gonna be posted is up in the air. whoops? i’ve been super motivated to write recently and i already have some ideas going, but school is a priority for me. plus i’m doing this for my own enjoyment and i want to be able to post something i’m really proud of even if it takes a teeny bit rather than a rushed half-assed chapter. i’m saying all this as if i have many subscribers shoutout to the 20(?) of you mwah. so! please stick w me during this, i promise i’ll get the next update out in at most a few weeks time!!! hopefully before midterms (whenever those are) and then i can write more over february break ❤️
> 
> comments and kudos are very much appreciated!!!
> 
> come talk to me on my tumblr, [aristotles-denial](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/)
> 
> edit 1/24: here’s a [character glossary](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/641180312843534336/character-glossary-pt-2) for the ocs! warning: some spoilers if you haven’t read up to chapter 6. if you still want to check it out but wanna avoid spoilers, dont read any of the backstory sections except for Anzu's, and dont read Chai Son & Mikazuki's skill sections
> 
> edit 3/1: i changed jee’s full name & title to read Lieutenant Jee Narong; the show orders names like in english (first then last), but for accuracy’s sake i changed it so it goes surname (Jee) then given name (Narong)
> 
> enjoy mwah mwah
> 
> \- ez <3


	3. a burning thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Love is a burning thing [...]_   
>  _And it burns, burns, burns_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "next update will come sometime in the next few weeks b/c i dont wanna half-ass it" whelp it's three days after that last chapter and i’m not the absolute Happiest w/ some parts of this chapter but i Did spend a lotta time on it
> 
> mini playlist of songs that kinda sorta have relevance (excluding the first song being for the chapter title & summary, the rest are in the order of the scenes or whatever that they correspond to :))
> 
> ring of fire by johnny cash  
> rumors by lindsay lohan (what has my life come to to be posting a lindsay lohan song with my cringe lil atla fic? n e ways this song is so fucking good)  
> heat waves by glass animals  
> tea errors by jack stauber's micropop  
> turn twice by trace mountains (i never fail to start crying when listening to this)  
> dust in the wind by kansas
> 
> good luck/enjoy!

“I bet the Fire Prince isn’t even real.” 

Hoshi sets their cup of tea down. Ryuji has come up with some weird rumors in the crew’s couple of weeks on the ship, but this? This is just ridiculous. 

“And why do you think that?” Mikazuki asks, seemingly unphased. _How does she let nothing get to her?_

Taka points a finger at the engineer. “You are going to need concrete evidence in order to make such a bold claim.” 

“My _gut_ is concrete evidence.” 

Chai Son gasps. “Agni, I didn’t know you’re an earthbender! Congrats Ryuji, you’re so brave!” _Dumbass,_ Hoshi thinks fondly. 

Lieutenant Jee rolls his eyes. “Anyway, hasn’t Gan seen the kid?” 

“Well I mean he _was_ movin’ pretty fast…And it’s not like I even know what he’s s’posed to look like,” Gan says over a steaming cup. 

“Was there anyone else with you when you saw him?” Hoshi asks, handing Gan a napkin for the tea dripping down his chin. 

The man wipes his mouth on his sleeve. “Lemme think… Oh yeah! You saw him, dintcha, Yong-Yut?” 

All eyes turn to the woman. _It’s so easy to forget she’s even here._ Yong-Yut gives a half-hearted shrug, then goes back to sipping her tea. The conversation continues despite her nonanswer. 

Chai Son snaps his fingers and looks up in excitement. “Oh! I’ve got it! Maybe the prince has a twin brother!” 

“What is that even supposed to _mean?_ ” Taka looks genuinely distraught over the boy’s comments. 

“Everyone settle down, this is getting a bit out of hand. I can assure you that Prince Zuko is real,” Jee placates. 

Chai Son sighs. “I’ve tried getting into his room but Anzu stopped me.” 

Mikazuki taps her chin. “Maybe if I freeze the lock on the door, then-” 

“We are _not_ breaking into the Crown Prince’s room just to double check that he exists,” Hoshi cuts in as they refill everyone’s cups. 

“You can be such a killjoy sometimes, did you know that?” the boy says with a smirk. Hoshi sticks out their tongue. 

An overexaggerated sigh comes from Mikazuki. “ _Fine._ I guess we’ll just have to go back to wetting Jee’s pants while he sleeps.” 

“That was _you?!_ Oh thank Agni, I thought there was something wrong-” 

Ryuji pounds his fist on the table to get everyone’s attention. Hoshi lifts their eyebrow in amusement. “This is distracting from my point! As I was saying, there have been no confirmed sightings of the prince-” 

“Maybe the boy just wants to be alone after being banished. Even royals need privacy,” Taka cuts in. 

“But there’s definitely been confirmed _hearings_ of the Fire Prince. Really, what was up with all the screaming?” Gan wonders. 

“That’s the thing! How have I never heard of the _Crown Prince_ until now?!” 

“Well maybe if you didn’t live under a rock…” Mikazuki starts. 

“Okay but really, was anybody going to tell me that Ryuji is an earthbender, or was I just supposed to find out while listening to his conspiracy theories myself?” 

Chai Son’s question is ignored. “If Prince Zuko doesn’t exist, then why are we here?” Gan asks. 

Jee pipes in. “Oh that’s an easy one. The Fire Lord hates us.” 

Murmurs of assent from around the table - _sans Yong-Yut of course_ \- are broken up by Mikazuki’s question. “Then what about the princess? And General Iroh?” 

As if on cue, the two royals walk into the dining area with a shadow following behind them. Hoshi takes that to mean breakfast should be served. 

\- 

_Oh Spirits. He’s in the shadows, isn’t he?,_ Azula thinks as she looks at the crew’s confused expressions. 

She turns to the spot she had last seen her brother _(really, what’s more cowardly than doing this right as he walked through the door?)._ “Come on out, Zuzu. It’s not like you can stay like that forever.” 

A flicker _(like candlelight)_ \- after having not bent for weeks _(it took him far too long to burn),_ it must be difficult for him to do so - Zuko appears to Azula’s left and slightly behind her - _he must have moved after I spoke. There’s no way I guessed incorrectly_ \- then takes a (slightly wobbly) step closer. 

Azula smiles and grabs her older brother’s hand. 

\- 

Gan has to admit. A boy with bandages over almost his entire face, neck, and left hand - _huh. I guess it must go underneath his tunic as well_ \- appearing where just a second before there had just been an extension of the table’s shadow - the entire room brightening slightly when he does so - is a _little_ strange. 

\- 

Anzu slips into the dining hall after having put her supplies away. The royal family is standing in front of the table, the Fire Prince with his head facing nothing in particular. The healer sighs internally. _I told him he should take at least a day to adjust to walking around in his own room but no, he just had to make a grand entrance._

\- 

“Remember, Nephew, Anzu said you should practice using your voice. Go on and say hello,” Iroh whispers over Azula’s head. His nephew shakes his head ever so slightly. “Prince Zuko…” A warning tints Iroh’s voice. 

\- 

Mikazuki watches as the Crown Prince flinches - _Agni, he flinches_ \- at whatever the General says to him. The prince clears his throat. What can be seen of his mouth opens, and a rough voice - terribly hoarse but still noticeably high _(he’s younger than me, younger than even Chai Son)_ \- makes a sound that _could_ be interpreted as “Hello”. 

\- 

White-hot embers fall out of the prince’s mouth when he coughs into his fist. Taka’s eyes widen - very few are so innately connected to their element. The Fire Prince straightens up and lifts his chin. 

“I am Crown Prince Zuko, son of Lady Ursa and Fire Lord Ozai.” His bandages shift ever so slightly as he dips his head into a bow, creating the sign of the flame with his hands. “Once I have healed fully, you will be under my command. Until then, you will answer to my uncle, but you must still respect me and my sister. Is that understood?” 

The crew mumbles their agreement. Taka wants to ask Princess Azula if her brother is always like this. 

\- 

Others may not have noticed Prince Zuko’s reaction, but Yong-Yut does. She notices everything. Zuko works his jaw. 

His head had already been angled to his left, but now he moves it again so his profile is seen by the crew. _Oh._

His fists were already clenched, but now they tighten even more. 

His voice was already loud, especially for one that is still healing, but now it increases in volume again. 

“I _said,_ is that _understood?!_ ” Prince Zuko yells. That earns glares - which their target can’t even see - and louder yet begrudging affirmations. It takes the princess tugging on his arm for him to nod. _He can barely hear._

The corners of Yong-Yut’s mouth, scarred as they are, lift up as Prince Zuko walks over to the middle of the three remaining chairs _(“Do you need any assistance, Your Highness?” the lieutenant asks. “I know more than you.” “Alright”)_. A _genuine_ smile, albeit unnoticeable to most - they focus too much on her faux one - graces her face. It may have come out as a yell, but it’s good that Zuko is able to speak his mind. 

\- 

Zuko is aware of the amount of bodies facing toward him. Nine, not counting Uncle and Azula. Five radiate heat waves. Firebenders. One of them is the person who brought him back to the healer’s room - he can tell by their height. Their head also gives off more heat than the others - it must be shaved, unobstructed by hair. 

Three are “normal”. Nonbenders. Zuko knows that the shortest of the three is the medic. The second, who seems to be a little shorter than the one with the shaved head, has their feet resting on the table, which one of the firebenders - the second tallest, the one with armor on who asked to assist - shoves off. 

The third nonbender is tall, as tall as the armored bender, but their voice is young. What’s peculiar is their stance. Zuko frowns. From what he can make out, the young nonbender seems relaxed and chatting happily with others, but their stance is still somehow rigid. Boots planted firmly on the floor. _Grounded._

Even _more_ peculiar is the last crew member. They’re _cold._ Firebenders radiate heat. Nonbenders are warmer than their environments, yes, but they don’t _exude waves of it._ But this crew member - _who I’m almost as tall as,_ he thinks with a tiny smirk - they’re like a _vacuum._ They are colder than the air that surrounds them. 

_Why is there a waterbender on our ship?_

\- 

Chai Son watches out of the corner of his eye as the prince accepts his steaming breakfast from Hoshi with a mumbled - yet still oddly loud - “thank you”. The boy - _I knew the princess was young, but when I heard “Crown Prince” I would’ve thought it was someone at least my age_ \- points at his congee, clenches his hand into a fist, then points again behind him. No more steam comes from his bowl. _Cool._

The Crown Prince takes a bite of congee and frowns. He expertly avoids all the carro-broccolis after that, which just confuses Chai Son. Not that he’d avoid them, no - Chai Son agrees, Hoshi _way_ under-seasons them - but just… _how?_

\----- 

Gan used to care about things. He used to care _deeply._ But ever since his husband died, nothing really seems to shake him. 

_(41st. 41st. 41st.)_

_(Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.)_

\----- 

Yong-Yut has gone by many names. 

Ichiro. A child proficient in firebending. 

_(“You’ll be so handsome when you grow up!”)_

Nozomi. A runaway who needed a job. 

_(A fortress. Training. Passports. Weaponry. Hiding. Secrets. Listening.)_

Muan Nang. A servant listening to noblewomen gossip about their recent investments and husbands’ plans. 

Akane. A non-bending fighter training with other teenage girls. 

_(Bladed fans. A kiss on the cheek leaving a lipstick stain. Bruised knuckles. “The gold insignia represents the honor of the warrior’s heart.”)_

Genji. A refugee girl on her way to a walled city. 

Siqiniq. A guard protecting a young princess from firebending assassins. 

_(“Can I tell you a secret?” “Of course, Princess.” “I think your smile is pretty.” “Can I tell you a secret?” “Yes!” “I think your smile is pretty too.”)_

_(A flame dagger to a throat. Steam rising as blood lands on snow. The heir to the throne and child of the Moon lives.)_

Zhaohui. A historian in search of a Spirit’s library. 

Xifeng. An architect observing renovations done to a previously abandoned temple. 

_(A boy with bandaged legs. Strange blueprints. “The wind will carry you.”)_

Nukilik. A trader - _traitor (they trusted me)_ \- stopping for a week to sell her wares. 

_(A welcome greeting from their chief and chieftess. Snowball fights with a little boy with a wolf tail. More importantly, sleeping in furs near a little girl whose childish nightmares cracked the igloo’s walls.)_

Winai. A highly skilled archer. 

Daiyu. An etiquette teacher for the daughter of the Earth Kingdom’s most powerful family. 

_(“I don’t need your help, you know.” “I know.” “I can see just fine.” “I know.” “Then why are you helping me?!” “Because I think we both need a friend.”)_

Qiànrú. An advisor to a king of a city of mountains. 

_My last mission._

Yong-Yut. A deckhand on a banished prince and princess’s ship. 

She likes this one. 

She likes how it sounds when her fellow deck crewmates say it between laughs, how the hawker says it when he’s excited _(even if it’s just because I’m taking over his shift)_ , when the lieutenant calls her over to ask for her opinion (she never provides an answer of course - he continues to ask anyway), how it sounds at home in the navigator’s mouth, when Zuko taps it out on her shoulder, her palm, her knee. 

_Yong-Yut. Yong-Yut. Yong-Yut._

\----- 

Taka watches Azula skip over to her brother. “Zuzu! Did you know that in Omashu, before burying their dead, they take out their insides and then wrap them in bandages?” _Oh. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her that. Hopefully he won’t take it poorly._

With most of the Prince’s usually expressive - _at least, that’s what Azula told me_ \- face covered, Taka has to depend on his body language. His muscles stiffen minutely, his jaw juts out ever so slightly. There’s an edge to his voice. “What are you getting at?” _Yep. Definitely should not have told her that._

“Oh, nothing. Just thought it was interesting.” The girl giggles and runs back over to Taka. 

\----- 

Zuko hates the pain. It's sort of like when you bite into mochi before letting it thaw - it feels like it gets to his core. 

_Who am I kidding? I'd much rather be eating mochi right now than resisting the urge to tear off my skin._

He meditates with Yong-Yut - Uncle had to tell Zuko her name - on the deck. They both sit in lotus position side-by-side (she’s on his right, of course). Zuko pushes aside his pain in order to concentrate. He begins to search for his Inner Flame. 

Despite his bandages, the wind still tends to sting. Zuko sighs. 

Yong-Yut seems to love the wind. 

("The wind will carry you" she traces on his palm. She then places his hands over hers, and he feels as she signs with her hands. She couldn't see it - _oh how the tables have turned_ \- but he rolls his eyes. _Yet another person to add to the list of those who are fluent in Uncle-riddles_.) 

Yong-Yut offers her hand to him to help Zuko up. He gets up on his own. “I don’t need your help, you know.” 

He can sense that the woman touches her forehead with her fingertips, palm flat, then turns her hand away. He doesn’t remember what that means. 

Yong-Yut takes his hand in hers again - she’s the only non-family member Zuko allows to touch him - and she writes “I know” with her fingertip. 

Zuko frowns. “Then why are you helping me?” 

She seems to hesitate before signing again. Zuko understands one of the words. 

_Friend._

\----- 

Ryuji bursts out onto the deck, eyes wild. “Who the _fuck_ set all my newspapers on fire?!” 

In his peripheral vision, he sees the princess pull on Taka’s sleeve and whisper something in her ear; after the woman answers back with her hand covering her mouth, a wide grin spreads across the girl’s face. 

From behind the two of them, the prince stands with General Iroh - who is already an inch shorter than his nephew - and tilts his head to his left, still facing the bow and away from the commotion. 

Ryuji turns to the three youngest crew members. “You _do_ know that I won’t be able to get any more news until the next time we reach a port?! What am I supposed to do until then!” 

Lieutenant Jee snorts. “I mean, you _do_ have a job…” 

Ryuji ignores him in favor of the three kids. Mikazuki’s eyes are wide. The mop she was holding is now lying on the dock. Chai Son is smirking. Hoshi puts on an annoyed face. 

“Damn Mikazuki, I’ve told you to stop setting random things on fire to see what would happen! What will happen is fire!” 

That snaps Mikazuki out of her shock. “What?! Spirits, I’m a waterbender for Agni’s sake! It was Chai Son!” She points at her friend, who drops his smirk and looks around bewildered. 

“What?! I- Huh? I’m not a- I’m not a bender!” 

“It was the medium height one.” 

All heads turn in the direction of the raspy voice to see that the prince now faces toward the conversation. Ryuji doesn’t know if he is supposed to make eye contact or not. 

“Sorry, what was that sir?” 

Ryuji thinks the sound that comes from the boy is supposed to be a huff or grunt or sigh or _some_ sound of exasperation. Whatever it’s supposed to be, it comes out as more of a wheeze. 

“Do not make me repeat myself. It was that one.” Prince Zuko points at Hoshi, who lifts one eyebrow in response. 

Princess Azula rolls her eyes. “Give it up, Zuzu! We all know you can’t see right now. With no evidence as to their bending abilities other than their word - which, I must say, you should _not_ take at face value - it’s humiliating for a royal to make such baseless accusa-” 

“The cook gives off more heat than the other two.” 

_That- actually makes a lot of sense._

\----- 

The three kids ask Gan to teach them as many swears as possible. It’s a long list. _What’s the worst that could happen?_

\- 

Iroh is talking with Taka about their next stop when Zuko walks out on deck. With everyone out together - _oh Hoshi is even out serving tea!_ \- it seems that it can be overwhelming for Zuko to have to sense everybody. Iroh pays him no mind - his nephew is a fast learner. He’s not weak. 

Iroh doesn’t see, but rather _hears_ , the moment that Zuko and the cook collide. 

“Motherfucker!” 

The entire deck goes silent. And then- 

“Prince Zuko!” Iroh yells. His nephew flinches. _Odd._ He continues anyway - he shouldn’t set a precedent that Zuko can get away with everything. “Go to your room! I will talk to you there.” 

Iroh ignores how the boy seems to shake a little as he walks away. The old general finishes his tea before standing up. “We will continue this conversation at another time, Lady Taka.” 

“Yes, General Iroh.” 

\- 

_I knew this was going to happen eventually,_ Zuko thinks. He sits on the floor in seiza and lights a candle. As he hears the door open from behind him, he shuffles out of his tunic as fast as he can. 

“I apologize for my transgression, and am willing to accept any punishment you see fit. I will be better next time.” Practiced. Smooth. Like it’s been on the tip of his tongue every time he is around Uncle, or the lieutenant, or the engineer, or even the animal handler. 

“Prince Zuko, what is that on your back?” Uncle’s voice sounds concerned. _Why is he concerned?_

_He’s not concerned. He’s disappointed. I need to be better._

Firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily. Prince Zuko knows this. 

He also knows that restraint doesn’t seem to be in Father’s vocabulary. Even if he didn’t know, the proof - the pain, the bandages, the scarring, the too-tight skin - is right there. 

Father would often lose count as to the number of lashings. 

_He did this because he cares._

“I will be better this time,” Zuko chokes out. 

\- 

Taka watches as General Iroh follows the prince. As soon as he is out of earshot- “Now who the _fuck_ taught the prince swears?!” 

Ryuji elbows her side. “Watch your mouth. The princess is here.” 

“That’s alright, I already know them. I’m just not uncivilized enough to use them,” the girl pipes up. _I should tell her to stop saying shit like that. Not great for making friends._

“Ryuji, don’t you have a job to do?” Jee asks. After the engineer hurriedly walks away, Jee turns back to the rest of the group. “How does Prince Zuko know that word?” 

All eyes turn to Gan. 

“Hey! I may’ve taught the kids a couple curses, so what, but I’m not goin’ around, sayin’ ‘em in front of the _future Fire Lord!”_ Taka notices Princess Azula huff at that. “So it wasn’t me.” 

All eyes turn to the three youngest crew members. 

“Hey, I’m not _that_ dumb,” Mikazuki snarks. 

“I _am_ that dumb, but I promise it wasn’t me.” 

That leaves Hoshi, who is still reeling over the fact that they “spilled tea on the Crown Prince oh Spirits what am I going to do, he’s going to kill me!”. _Yeah. Wasn’t them._

\- 

Anzu strides - well, as close to a stride as possible; she admits she’s pretty short, though she _does_ have a good quarter inch on Iroh - over to the prince’s room, bandages in hand. 

She knocks on the door before opening it ever so slightly. “Prince Zuko. I'm here to help with the tea you just spilled on your _fresh burn_ which you _definitely_ should’ve been _more careful_ with--” 

Anzu stops when she sees Iroh crouching on the floor, the boy sobbing - _as much of a sob as possible, I guess, with only one unburned tear duct_ \- into his shoulder. 

The healer sets the bandages on the ground, and quietly shuts the door. 

\- 

Jee notices Anzu’s arrival back out on deck first. He walks right up to her. “Do you know how Prince Zuko knows… that word?” 

Anzu smiles and pats his shoulder. “Healing is a very precise practice. When things go wrong- well, that’s a big deal, and I act accordingly.” 

\----- 

Chai Son tries to remember his parents’ faces. Really, he does. He may not remember the name they gave him, but he tries to remember their faces. 

His father had a dark beard and… and a small nose! _Yeah. That sounds about right._ He would pick him up as Chai Son giggled. His mother’s short hair would always fall in front of her eyes. _Or was her hair long and she just had bangs?_ She and Chai Son would play little tricks on his father, and then they’d all laugh. 

Chai Son may not remember his parents’ faces very well, but he remembers their laughs. 

And their eyes. How can he forget them? They were just like his. 

_(Hazel eyes with a hint of green.)_

Chai Son doesn’t remember exactly what happened to his parents. Maybe he can’t. 

_Soldiers. Fires. Stones. Yelling._ That’s it. Nothing else. _Nothing. Nothing. Nothing._

_(“These fuckers even stole one of our own!” “It’s ok kid. We’ll take you home.”)_

_All I could do was watch as my home receded from view._

_(Hazel eyes with a hint of yellow. Depends on what you’re looking for.)_

Chai Son is Fire Nation, through and through. Fire Nation and Fire Nation _only._ What he remembers of his parents is probably just from some past life. His _real_ parents were two firebenders who died nobly fighting for the Fire Nation. That’s what he tells himself. 

When the ship docks, Chai Son is the first off. “Race ya!” He tries - and fails - to dodge Mikazuki’s playful splash of water. He continues running down the wooden dock. 

_(“It is unhealthy for a bender to resist their nature. I understand that you are in pain, but you need to bend, Prince Zuko. Or your body will turn against itself.”_

Chai Son thinks what General Iroh said is utter bullshit. 

Still, it’s difficult to brush off the pain that etches itself into his bones, the soreness of his swollen joints. 

He occasionally finds it difficult to talk - his jaw locks up and his teeth ache down to the roots. 

He never offers to help Ryuji in the boiler room again after the first time; no matter how much he scrubs, Chai Son can’t seem to get the coal dust out from underneath his fingernails. 

It feels like there is something growing under his skin and it terrifies him to no end. 

Sometimes, when he breathes deeply, he’s afraid his ribs will tear at his skin, his chest bursting, bones - splintered and sharp as daggers - protruding from his ripped up flesh-) 

When his boots finally land on the earth, hazel eyes with a hint of green brighten with relief, as Chai Son can’t help but smile. 

_No one must know._

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> girl im going to go work for the crown prince  
> girl help my ribs are about to burst out of my body
> 
> fun fact! the scene w/ iroh and zuko? yknow The One? in zukos room? where i realized just how much i hate ozai? yeah well the line "I will be better this time" is actually from the song Turn Twice by Trace Mountains and thats actually the line in the song where im guaranteed to start crying during :) but like. GUYS. i highly recommend listening and looking at the lyrics (all the songs i put w this have Some sort of relevance, even if it's just the titles)
> 
> this chapter starts w/ silly conspiracy theories & mikazuki making jee piss his pants, then ends w/ chai son being like "im in constant horrifying pain b/c i refuse to acknowledge my nature" dare i say range? 
> 
> the descriptions of sign language are based off of ASL b/c i am way too tired to research. i sure hope i actually remember to include it again
> 
> idk why but i couldnt get that one clip from parks and rec when ron is at lowes and an employee asks if he needs help and he just says "i know more than you" and continues on outta my head so i Had to have that same interaction btwn zuko and jee
> 
> oh? whats this? chapter count increased to 10? yeah thats super up in the air i have stuff planned out but im just going off vibes rn :)
> 
> two quotes are not mine! “The gold insignia represents the honor of the warrior’s heart.” is from the Warriors of Kyoshi episode, while “The wind will carry you.” is from the episode the Northern Air Temple
> 
> please feel free to comment (or hmu on my tumblr aristotles-denial) any questions, what you wanna see more of, favorite characters, etc. i Love answering comments you can say literally anything and itll make my whole day :D
> 
> edit 1/24: here’s a [character glossary](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/641180312843534336/character-glossary-pt-2) for the ocs! warning: some spoilers if you haven’t read up to chapter 6. if you still want to check it out but wanna avoid spoilers, dont read Mikazuki, Taka, Hoshi, Jee, or Ryuji's backstories, & don't read Mikazuki's skill section
> 
> anyway. comments kudos and subscriptions are appreciated! :D
> 
> \- ez <3


	4. turned so cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Icicles don't soften when they die_   
>  _They sharpen into sabers_   
>  _And they stab you in the eye_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter goes out to da gals
> 
> warning that in the last POV there is some anti-Water Tribe language used (no slurs, just “savage” and the Fire Nation thinking that they’re uncivilized) - i talk more abt it in the end notes as well
> 
> mini playlist:  
> icicles by the scary jokes
> 
> thank god for girls by weezer  
> smile like you mean it by the killers  
> baby baby by the last lovers left alive  
> cold cold cold by cage the elephant
> 
> enjoy this overall fluffier chapter!

Azula may _seem_ to care, but Iroh still does not fully trust his niece to _not_ leave her brother stranded in a foreign port as a “prank”. 

He stays behind to give his old joints a rest, but orders Mikazuki and Taka to guard the two children. 

\- 

Taka doesn’t like the way the general speaks to Mikazuki. Or how his eyes linger over her form. Taka doesn’t like that he acts like this with younger women at ports as well. 

She pulls him aside before they disembark. “What seems to be the matter, Lady Taka?” 

The woman straightens up, squaring her shoulders and raising her chin - _just as the prince does when he feels his authority has been threatened_ \- just as Taka was taught back home. At her full height, she is well over a foot taller than him - this doesn’t seem to go unnoticed by the general. 

“I am respectfully asking you to cease to treat Mikazuki in such a manner.” 

His smile wavers ever so slightly. “My apologies, but I do not know what you’re talking about.” 

“She is not even twice your niece’s age, General Iroh.” 

The man squints up at her. “Whatever do you mean?” 

“Mikazuki is not a potential plaything, she is a young member of your crew. I trust that you will not misuse your authority?” 

The general coughs out a yes. Taka steps closer. “And I trust that you will set a better example for your nephew? And you will not treat Princess Azula in such a grotesque manner?” Belatedly, Taka realizes that she has been inadvertently heating the surrounding air. _Good. Maybe he’ll get the message._

A bead of sweat rolls down his forehead. “Yes, Lady Taka.” 

Her eyes are still trained on the old man. When she thinks he has grown uneasy enough, Taka nods once, then strides back over to the two royal children. 

“Guess you finally decided to show up,” the princess snarks when she sees the woman walking over. 

The prince leans toward his sister and says something in her ear. 

“Your discretion skills are horrible, Zuzu. This is Taka, the navigator. Her family governs Yu Dao.” 

“Taka,” he says with a nod. It comes out relatively clear. He turns to where Mikazuki is running over from harassing Chai Son. “And what is your name?” 

The girl seems to freeze up when the prince addresses her. “Oh, uh- Mikazuki,” she says in a quiet voice. 

After another beat of silence, the corner of the boy’s mouth turns downward. _Oh Agni, here we go._ Azula shifts closer to Taka so they can both watch from a safe distance. 

“I _asked_ you a _question_ ,” he rasps, his voice lowering. 

“And I _gave_ you an _answer_ ,” Mikazuki snaps back. 

His shoulders tense. “Then you should learn to _speak up_!” 

“Mikazuki, stop fighting with a child.” _Spirits, was that the wrong thing to say._

The young woman and the prince speak over each other. 

“I am _not_ a child.” 

“Stay out of this, Taka!” The girl rolls up her sleeves. _Agni, I need to end this before one of them gets thrown into the ocean or blasted into oblivion._

“Enough!” Taka yells. _That seems to do it,_ she thinks. Prince Zuko flinches minutely. Mikazuki’s eyes go wide before shifting back to the ground as she grumbles. The princess seems very amused. Taka begins walking, expecting the other three to catch on and follow her. “Mikazuki, stay on Princess Azula’s right. I will be on the prince’s left,” she says in a demanding tone. 

At this, the boy moves so that his sister is walking on his left side. Taka’s eyes narrow, but she does not comment. Instead, she stays on his right. She sees him form Mikazuki’s name with his mouth, as if sounding it out. 

\- 

With Hoshi perusing the market for ingredients and Mikazuki guarding the royals, Chai Son is able to slip into the nearby forest unnoticed. 

The earth sings. 

His bones feel as if they shift back into place. The pain subsides. He breathes deeply. The stone responds to him as he copies the movements he sees the crew do during their training. 

After some hours, Chai Son wanders back into the town. He feels whole. 

\- 

Yong-Yut walks up to the waterbender and navigator as the siblings talk to a vendor selling theater masks - or rather, Prince Zuko is having a heated debate with the man about their inaccuracies, while his sister watches and giggles. 

Yong-Yut nods to the younger crew member and signs that they can switch. _It’s not like I have anything better to do,_ she thinks. The waterbender just frowns in confusion. 

“She’s saying you two can switch places. You don’t have to guard anymore, Mikazuki,” the navigator says. _She really knows her stuff, huh?_ The navigator turns to her. “Did I get that right, Yong-Yut?” 

There’s a strange, fluttery feeling in her stomach when the taller woman says her name. She nods. 

“Oh, right! I’ll go find the others. Thanks Taka, thanks Yong-Yut!” the young woman says as she turns and jogs away. 

Yong-Yut adjusts her headscarf - firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily, but it’s best to protect her buzzed scalp from Agni’s rays - and looks at the woman beside her, who is now reprimanding the princess for pushing her brother. _Taka. That’s a pretty name,_ Yong-Yut thinks. 

Taka is tall - _almost a head taller than me_ \- and sturdily built. Yong-Yut’s eyes avert away from the muscles that are visible through her sleeves. Her amber eyes stand out against her dark skin, and a long black braid runs down to her lower back. She seems to be about Yong-Yut’s age, if not a few years older. 

Yong-Yut is snapped out of her reverie - _no, not a reverie. I am looking respectfully. For observational purposes. That’s it_ \- by a hand tugging on her arm. She looks down to see Prince Zuko with mud on his bandages. She huffs and leans down to start wiping it off. 

“Azula started it.” Yong-Yut hums in response. “Really, she did!” he raises his voice. The woman rests her hand on his right shoulder to calm him. After taking several deep breaths, he taps the woman’s shoulder. _One two. One two. One two._

_The medic’s going to be pissed if the prince comes back with mud over his eyes,_ she thinks. Zuko’s hand drifts to her headscarf. He pats it gently, almost like he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. “What are you doing?” Yong-Yut traces on his hand. 

The boy quickly moves his hand away and clears his throat. “Oh uh. It’s soft.” Yong-Yut hums in response again, expecting more of an answer. “Mom’s skirts felt like that.” _Skirts? Why her skirts? Why not her sleeves-_

_Oh. He was too short. He was even younger than he is now._

_Wait, felt? What happened? Spirits, what have I missed in all my time away from home?_

“Aw, you two are such a cute couple!” A vendor at a nearby stall says. The four - _well, three. Zuko continues to stare right ahead_ \- of them turn in her direction. 

The vendor crouches down in order to be eye level with the princess. “Oh, you look so much like your mommy!” She points to Yong-Yut, who pretends not to notice how the vendor’s eyes flicker over her scars. She then turns to Zuko. “And you have your mother’s hair!” She smiles sweetly at Taka. 

“She is _not_ my mother,” Princess Azula spits. Zuko is silent at the woman’s comment, opting to touch his phoenixtail. 

The vendor chuckles. “It’s alright, most kids tend to pick favorites.” Yong-Yut sends a confused glance over to Taka, who looks amused and raises one eyebrow when they make eye contact. 

“The princess is mine,” Taka signs. Yong-Yut looks over at the little girl, who is trying rather hard to convince the vendor that they are not her parents. 

A tiny smirk settles on Yong-Yut’s face. “Fine. Then I get the prince,” she signs back. She pats Zuko’s soft hair before he wiggles out of her grasp. 

Both women look back at the vendor when she straightens up. “Well, I best get going. Have a lovely day!” 

“You as well,” Taka says politely in return. The seller walks away. 

“That was stupid,” Prince Zuko says, shifting uncomfortably. His sister huffs in agreement before skipping away to continue looking through the market. 

“You get both kids on weekends!” Taka calls over her shoulder while being dragged away by Princess Azula. 

Yong-Yut waves farewell. Taka smiles back. 

“Gross,” Zuko says. 

“What?” Yong-Yut signs. 

“Your body temperature just rose significantly.” _That_ is _pretty gross._ The prince sighs and points to a blue and white mask. “Do you have money on you? I’d like that one.” 

\----- 

Mikazuki can feel the bodies of those around her thrum, their hearts pumping. Auk. They may not share it, but to her, they are becoming a family. 

\----- 

“Maybe she’s just had them since birth?” 

Ryuji shoots another blast of fire into the furnace. “I don’t think so. They don’t look natural.” 

Chai Son watches the man work for a moment - _he could get off his ass and help, but hey, at least I have someone to talk to,_ Ryuji thinks - as he considers this. “Then maybe it was an accident?” 

Ryuji shovels more coal into the furnace. “What, you think it was some type of training accident? She gave those scars to herself?” 

“Um… yes?” 

Ryuji shakes his head before wiping sweat off his brow with a rag. “I hate to break it to you kid, but I think someone gave her those scars. They’re too precise. Someone gave them to her for a reason.” 

Chai Son looks distraught. “Why would anyone do that?” 

The older man’s tone softens a bit - _he’s just a kid_ \- when he speaks again. “Got on someone’s bad side. She’s probably just a criminal of some sort.” 

Ryuji turns back to the furnace as the boy ponders over this for a moment. He snorts, and the engineer turns back around. “A jealous wife?” 

The man smirks. “Now you’re talkin’! Probably some general’s mistress.” 

Chai Son frames his face with his hands and bats his eyelashes. “The wife became jealous of her _gorgeous_ smile.” The two burst into laughter. 

Once they’ve caught their breath, the taller of the two becomes contemplative again. “But seriously, what could she have _possibly_ done for someone to do that to her?” 

Ryuji thinks as he shovels. He’s seen a fair number of injuries during his service, inflicted by fire- and earthbenders alike. But again, the scars are too precise to be caused by bending - two thin lines arcing from the corners of her lips to her ears. A nonbender - _or someone who was trying not to be identified_ \- had to have done that with some sort of knife. 

The woman’s scars may not be gruesome _now,_ but they were probably torturous to obtain. Ryuji shudders as he imagines how it must’ve felt for the knife to slice through the skin of her cheeks. _Did they start from her ears, or did they slip the blade inside her mouth? Probably whichever would hurt worse._ They’re sliced clean - she was most likely chained or held down to avoid a struggle. After the first side was done, was she aware of the second cut? Or was the pain too unbearable? _Oh Spirits, that’s if it was even done all at once._

Ryuji winces as he imagines being held in a cell somewhere, one side of his face cut open - _probably unable to eat, it’d be too painful_ \- as he waits to be _segmented_ again. _Who’s to say they stopped with her face? Agni, she never talks, does she even have a tongue-_

Yong-Yut had to have done something _horrific_ to deserve such a gruesome punishment. 

“Kill Fire Lord Azulon and Princess Ursa,” the answer to Chai Son’s question is out of Ryuji’s mouth before he can think of the possible consequences. 

The boy gasps, his eyes widen. “I- But- You don’t-” he pauses for a moment to collect himself, wincing slightly as he breathes deeply. “Then why would Fire Lord Ozai allow her to live, let alone work for his children?” 

His expression grim, Ryuji turns to shoot a ball of flame into the furnace. “I don’t think he expects to see the prince and princess again.” 

\----- 

Whenever she’s presented the choice, Mikazuki takes the night watch. Waterbenders are more powerful at night. With most of the ship’s occupants drowsy with the loss of Agni, it is only reasonable for her to guard. _(“Protect your family.”)_ She takes the opportunity to practice her forms. 

In the silver light of Tui’s full face, Mikazuki feels her blood boil. 

\----- 

Zuko pays attention to the shifting heat signatures as Yong-Yut signs to him. The two of them had originally been meditating, but gave up. It’s a hot day - no one is doing much work. Zuko is uncomfortable underneath his bandages and robe. 

“You are just a baby,” Yong-Yut signs. 

“No I am not!” Zuko yells. 

“Yes you are.” 

“No I am _not_.” 

“Not what?” The navigator - Taka - sits down with them. Zuko can feel the heat rolling off of her. She’s sweaty and had taken her tunic off while training with Azula so she was in nothing but her bindings on top. Zuko ignores how Yong-Yut’s face grows warmer _(oh Agni. Gross)._

“Isn’t he just a baby?” Yong-Yut signs. 

“Oh yes, definitely.” 

“I’m almost fourteen for Agni’s sake!” 

“And by ‘almost fourteen’ you mean…” Taka asks. 

Zuko fidgets a bit where he’s sitting. “I turned thirteen last month,” he mumbles. 

Taka chuckles. “I didn’t even know your age, but Spirits, you’re a _baby,_ ” Yong-Yut gestures. 

Azula joins the group sitting on the deck. “What are you saying? Is that code?” Zuko sends a blast of fire at her just for the hell of it. She dodges it easily. 

“It’s a language, usually for people who can’t hear or speak,” Taka says. 

“So it can be used in situations in which one cannot make a noise?” 

“Well, yes-” 

“Fascinating!” Azula turns to Yong-Yut, golden eyes wide. “You must teach me.” 

“Baby girl. Baby.” 

“Interesting. What does that mean? Are those battle plans?” 

Zuko stifles a laugh. “She just called you a baby.” 

A pause. “Well. I don’t see how that is appropriate for the situation at hand.” 

Zuko can’t help it. He starts laughing just thinking about the bewildered expression his sister must be trying to hide. (He only coughs a few times.) Soon enough, the others join him. 

\----- 

Growing up, Mikazuki loved to listen to her grandmother's stories of her home. She couldn't imagine anywhere other than the humid Fire Nation, much less a frigid land full of caribou-oxen, of whale-bone homes, of furs and stories, of people who could create ice at their fingertips. 

The stories her aanaa told her and her siblings made Mikazuki yearn for somewhere she had never even been. She felt like part of her was lost. Her grandmother’s loss was all-consuming for her, like a bender stripped of their element. For Mikazuki, her sense of detachment was in her periphery - her loyalty is to the Fire Nation and Fire Nation only _(that’s what I tell myself)._

But sometimes she wonders what it would be like to visit her tribe. 

_Would they accept me?_ Aanaa says nothing can drive families apart. Mikazuki’s education says they’d rip her to shreds. 

_Would they make me change my name?_ Aanaa says she never should’ve been given a Fire Nation - _“ashmaker”_ \- name in the first place. Mikazuki’s heart says her name is a source of pride. (She often doesn’t get called her name by colonists - _colonizers_ \- when the crew stops in ports. _“Savage”_.) 

_Would they gouge out my eyes?_ Aanaa says brown eyes are common in all nations, but blue would’ve looked better on her. Mikazuki’s mother says it’s a shame her daughter isn’t a firebender like her side of the family _(“When you were born, you had that spark in your eyes. I don’t know what went wrong”)._

Aanaa says that her people's history lives on as stories, told throughout the generations. _“Above all, irngutaq, protect your people. If you protect your people, you also protect your culture.”_ The elder taught her how to defend herself and her family. 

Aanaa says that her - _their_ \- people's history lives on as stories. But Mikazuki knows that one day, she will need to meet people like her. To put faces to the stories, faces of shared blood, faces to the Southern benders. 

Maybe when the crew eventually goes to the South Pole, Mikazuki can ask the other waterbenders if they remember her grandmother. 

Hama. 

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lets go lesbians lets go !!!
> 
> demonizing hama and blood-bending is OUT, giving her a family and the opportunity to share her culture w/ them & teach her granddaughter how to protect herself is IN
> 
> azula & zuko: *are the walking definitions of mommy issues*  
> yong-yut: omg wouldn't it be cute if taka & i got married? and you guys were our kids? haha just kidding… unless?  
> like girl you were a spy for almost your entire life you should be able to read the situation
> 
> iroh oversexualized june in canon so this is Not out of character for him dont @ me
> 
> no homophobia in the fire nation ive decided
> 
> ive changed the fire hazard siblings' ages a teeny bit. they are both babie so by the time of the agni kai zuko has Just turned 13 & azula will be turning 10 in a month or two. im planning on writing a lil azula birthday chapter (it'll probably be three updates from now) and i am Excited >:)
> 
> i'd like to make it clear that im white, and so i can never fully understand the experiences of Indigenous peoples. that being said, i tried to make mikazuki’s backgrounds sorta realistic by basing it off of my knowledge of the loss of native cultural identity here in the us, along w/ the show’s in-universe existing racism (like “savages”) and hyper-propagandized Fire Nation loyalty. if you have thoughts about what i wrote, feel free to share and i'll take it into account!  
> that goes for this entire fic - all of these characters are pocs, and i am not. although I try to educate myself, there's bound to be something i’ve missed, so if you catch something that could be taken the wrong way/think i'm going too far w/ anything/just want to tell me something, please let me know :)
> 
> words:  
> auk: inuktitut; blood  
> aanaa: inuktitut; grandmother  
> irngutaq: inuktitut; grandchild
> 
> edit 1/19: i Just realized how it must look for the one character w/ Indigenous roots to be sexualized. so tho i don’t think it Has been taken this way so far & i made these thoughts kinda explicitly clear in the chap, i just wanna make it clear: iroh’s sexualization of mikazuki is Wrong on multiple levels. idk what age he’s supposed to be in canon, but mikazuki is ~19, and not only is the age difference gross but she’s also young in general. also, he’s in a position of power. And oversexualization of Indigenous women is common irl so like…yeah that’s a no no
> 
> edit 1/24: here’s a [character glossary](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/641180312843534336/character-glossary-pt-2) for the ocs! warning: some spoilers if you haven’t read up to chapter 6. if you still want to check it out but wanna avoid spoilers, dont read Taka, Hoshi, Jee, or Ryuji's backstories
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated!
> 
> \- ez <3


	5. death to my left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The nosebleed sun bled on me [...]_   
>  _Like cold shadows live on the land [...]_   
>  _Death to my left and my ego far behind_   
>  _I cherish the gift that is life_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mommy issues the second pt ii the sequel: the one after the first  
> (who am i kidding that's every chapter)
> 
> mini playlist:  
> nosebleed sun by the growlers
> 
> lazy eye by silversun pickups  
> monsoon by hippo campus  
> in the night by the weeknd  
> drunk walk home by mitski
> 
> enjoy!

Anzu has treated many different people in her life. Her favorite part of her job is watching her patients’ happy reactions as they get better. 

Needless to say, Anzu is excited when she is able take the bandages off of Prince Zuko's right eye for good. _Baby steps._

The boy is sitting on the spare cot in her room, while Iroh sits in the bedside chair. The medic doesn’t miss how the princess’s eyes avert away until the left side of his face is rebandaged. 

“Could you go any slower?” Prince Zuko groans. 

“Do you want me to?” He snaps his mouth shut. “Now keep your eye closed until it adjusts to the light,” the healer advises as she wipes around his eye with a sterile cloth. 

Anzu steps back, allowing the boy's family to lean in closer. Princess Azula moves to stand right in front of her brother with a look of curiosity on her face. _This. This is why I have yet to retire. That and the fact that people need me, of course._

“Take your time, Prince Zuko,” Iroh says gently - he seems supportive, but the woman knows that underneath, he’s worried for his nephew. At that comment, the boy slowly opens his eye. _Does he have to do_ everything _out of spite?,_ Anzu thinks. He blinks a few times, then opens his eye entirely. 

Prince Zuko’s face brightens into a smile immediately. “Hi ‘Zula.” 

The girl squeals and launches herself at her brother. He laughs as she quickly pulls herself out of the hug and schools her features. “That was nothing but a scream. You are ugly as ever, Zuzu.” 

He chuckles into his hand. “Great to see you too, Azula.” Anzu watches as the prince brightens once more when he spots Iroh. “Uncle!” This time, he’s the one to launch himself at the old man, who embraces the boy with tears in his eyes. 

Anzu allows the reunion to extend longer than she would for others - _A healer should treat all their patients the same, but hell, I didn’t help Princess Ursa deliver these kids for nothing. And besides, it’s less time for Iroh to get all sappy on me_ \- but eventually, she has Prince Zuko sit back down on the cot for an eye exam. 

She lets out a sigh of relief. Perfect vision in his right eye. _Thank Agni. He’ll need it._

“Now Princess, this means you can no longer push your brother into the mud. If his eye gets infected, then I will have to rebandage it,” the medic says as she puts away her equipment. 

“Fine. But _only_ because I don’t want him to bump into me anymore,” Princess Azula huffs. Prince Zuko rolls his eye, then smiles and shows his sister that, “Look, I can roll my eye!”.

Iroh chuckles and accepts the tissue that Anzu offers to him. “Prince Zuko, you should be careful of the sun when you go out on-” 

The girl quickly grabs her brother’s arm. “Bye Uncle, bye Anzu!” she rushes as she turns to make a run for it. At the door, the prince stops and bows to the medic as a sign of thanks, then dashes after his sister. 

“Nephew, be careful! You have no-” Iroh calls after the two, only to be interrupted by a crash and a distant, “I’m ok!”. “-depth perception,” the man finishes, sighing. He turns to his old friend. “Shouldn’t that cause you some concern?” 

Anzu laughs. “He said he’s fine. Your nephew may lack depth perception, but he has enough common sense to not go running straight into the ocean.” 

Iroh sighs again. “I suppose you are correct.” He looks back up at his friend. “Will he gain sight back when the entirety of his bandages are removed?” 

At that, the woman sobers up, her mouth set in a grim line. “I wouldn’t get your hopes up, Iroh.” 

\- 

Azula bounds out on deck. _Zuko’s back!_ Sure, her brother may have been on the ship for the same amount of time as her, but now she can _see him._ The last time she had seen Zuko’s face - his _real_ face, not whatever Azula had seen the first time she watched Anzu take his bandages off - it had been covered in tears and clouded by smoke and flames _(he looked like candlelight)_. Azula prefers this much more. 

She pauses at the top of the stairs and looks behind her. “What are you _doing?_ ” she snaps. Zuko looks up from where he is frowning at the first step up to the deck. 

“It keeps moving,” he pouts. 

Azula tilts her head. “What, you thought we would anchor just so you could uncover your eye? Your need for theatrics is astounding, Zuzu.” She descends the stairs once again. 

Zuko throws his arms up in exasperation. “Not the ship! The _stair_. Watch this.” Azula does, indeed, watch as her brother picks his foot up, only to not bring it down far enough to make contact with the step. When he tries to put his weight on it while it’s still a good distance above the ground, he trips. Zuko growls in frustration. 

“Hm. The stairs don’t move for _me_.” 

“That’s beside the point!” Zuko yells. 

“Oh give it a rest, Zuzu. I'll ask Taka about this,” Azula placates. “Let’s go.” She moves to grab his arm. 

Her brother yanks away from her, only to lurch slightly to the side. “What are you doing?!” 

She huffs. “I’m helping you, _Zuko_. Isn’t it obvious?” His eye widens for a moment - _what does he look so surprised for? That I’m helping him? Please, I’m the definition of generosity… Spirits, did I call him by his name?!_ \- before narrowing again as he regards Azula. Her brother seems to find what he’s looking for, as he grunts and holds his arm out. 

Azula smiles - ignoring that Zuko underestimates the distance between them and lightly elbows her in the side - and grabs his right arm to lead him up to the deck. 

\- 

Anzu knows what the prince looks like. She was present for him and his sister’s births, after all. They both had their mother’s eyes. 

As she handed the tiny, ever-moving baby boy to Ursa, Anzu saw the same passion, the same depth of feeling in his golden eyes. Passing the swaddled baby girl immediately to her father (as he had demanded), Anzu saw her bright eyes roam about, the same curiosity as her mother. 

The healer has seen the siblings at various points in their lives as she would switch between being the palace doctor and a field medic. _It seemed like I rarely had anything to do in Caldera compared to the battlefield. But whenever I left, no matter what I did it wasn’t enough. Nothing would change. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing._

Poison tea for Iroh. A sprained ankle for Prince Lu Ten _(“I swear Anzu, the rooftop had_ not _been that far away when I jumped, it must have moved”)_. A broken arm for Prince Zuko. Various scrapes from exploring for Princess Azula. Blistered palms for Prince Zuko. _More_ poison tea for Iroh _(“I must say, it still tasted rather nice”)_. 

A missing arm and disembowelment for Prince Lu Ten. A knife in the stomach and freezer burn for Princess Ursa. Then suddenly it was- 

A dislocated shoulder for Crown Prince Zuko. A shredded back for Crown Prince Zuko. Five bruises (fingertips) wrapped around the neck for Crown Prince Zuko. Once, a handprint on the cheek for Princess Azula. Immediately after, a black eye for Crown Prince Zuko _(“He had promised not to touch her, Anzu. He promised me”)_. Red tree branches up his arm and uncontrollable twitching for Crown Prince Zuko. Broken ribs for Crown Prince Zuko. 

Various other injuries. All are times Anzu has seen the royal siblings. Every time, she’s amazed by just how much they’ve grown. 

Charred flesh and nerve damage for banished Prince Zuko. 

Anzu is glad to see that no matter how much he has changed, he still has his mother’s eye. 

\- 

After adjusting to the sunlight, Zuko lets his little sister pull him along to meet the crew. 

A tall boy spots the pair first and bounds over to them, grinning widely. His round face is framed by strands of black hair that have fallen out of his low ponytail, and he has bright _(amber? green?)_ hazel eyes. He stops in front of the siblings and bows. “It is nice to finally meet you, Prince Zuko. I’m Chai S-“ 

“You’re one of the nonbenders, correct?” Zuko interrupts. He doesn’t need that question answered, as he can very well tell by the boy’s body temperature – he just doesn’t like how this conversation has started. 

_“Finally meet you”? I’ve been here the same amount of time as everyone else!,_ Zuko thinks. Once that idea has been planted in his brain, he can’t stop the onslaught of thoughts. 

_I know his voice (of course I do, he never shuts up). But it’s never been directed at me before._ Come to think of it, Zuko realizes that Yong-Yut is the only crew member who has gone out of her way to interact with him. He admits that yes, Taka has also spoken with him often, but he has a feeling that that’s so she can also talk to Yong-Yut. 

Chai Son nods. “How old are you?” Zuko asks. 

“Seventeen.” 

Zuko’s eye widens. “You’re only four years older than me. What is a seventeen year old doing on the _Kage_?” 

A smirk settles on Chai Son’s face. “What’s a thirteen year old doing here?” Zuko frowns and refuses to answer. Azula, who has been watching the entire interaction with delight, takes this as her cue to lead Zuko to the next crew member. 

Zuko’s able to recognize Taka immediately. She’s by far the tallest of the crew, having a few inches on the lieutenant. Her colonial background is obvious through her darker skin tone, and her amber eyes are the mark of nobility. Zuko can see that the shorter hairs that do not reach the end of the navigator’s braid have curled in the humidity. _(“And you have your mother’s hair!”)_

Taka doesn’t introduce herself. Zuko is thankful for that. When they make eye contact, she nods, then goes back to listening to Azula explain the stairs situation. _Spirits, she better not tell anyone else of my weakness._

Zuko uses that as his opportunity to continue to survey the crew. The engineer is stocky, with salt and pepper hair cut short. The hawker is of medium height, and his eyes match the beginning of graying in his beard. _I thought he was only in his thirties?,_ Zuko thinks. Zuko knows he should feel comforted by the sight of Anzu’s familiar dark gray hair and round face, but if he’s being honest, her presence usually means that he’s in pain. 

His eyes track to where Chai Son has walked back over to his crew mates. The cook is slightly shorter than the hawker; they seem to be in their early twenties, and their pistachio-chestnut hair is cut choppily at their chin. Zuko can see that when Chai Son makes a joke, the cook’s honey eyes light up. A dimpled smile graces the waterbender’s face as tanned fingers deftly tie her thick black hair into a tall phoenix tail with a red ribbon. 

Zuko walks (stumbles) over to the last figure he spots, who is tying ropes away from the others. He stops before he reaches her - _not because the seemingly sinking floor makes me nauseous, not at all_ \- to observe from afar. 

Even kneeling, Zuko can tell that she is relatively tall, being a few inches shorter than Chai Son. A dark burgundy headscarf obscures what Zuko would have been able to see of her profile. 

Ocher eyes look up at Zuko once he is close enough. He grins. “Yong-Yut.” 

As the woman stands up, Zuko’s eye flickers _(candlelight)_ across her angular face. His gaze falls on the sunken lines in her cheeks that further emphasize her already prominent cheekbones. The scars are difficult to ignore - it’s not entirely clear where her lips end and the slits begin, her mouth being permanently pulled in a mock smile. 

Faint freckles are splashed across her light skin. A sbai wraps around her muscular chest. Zuko can see small scars dot her calloused hands as she forms the sign of the flame and bows. He notes her buzzed hair - _I was right!_ \- underneath her headscarf just as she reaches up and ruffles his own. 

“It’s good to see you,” Yong-Yut signs. 

“It’s good to see you too,” he signs back, albeit much slower. A real smile finds its way onto her face. 

“Can I tell you something?” The woman nods. “I think your smile is pretty.” 

Yong-Yut blushes. “Can I tell you something as well?” she signs. Zuko nods. “I think your smile is pretty too.” 

_(“You look so much like your mother!”)_

\- 

There is a portrait of the Fire Lord hanging in the dining hall of the _Kage._ Jee quite frankly thinks it’s stupid – even though the same portrait hangs in every dining hall of every Fire Navy ship, he knows that this one would’ve been burned to a crisp or thrown into the ocean by now if not for the fact that the man’s children are onboard. 

That’s the thing. The Fire Lord has kids. Fire Lord Ozai. He is a _father_. To not one, but _two_ children. 

Children that are _supposed_ to be in his care. Children that are _supposed_ to be by their father’s side in a palace. Children that _aren’t_ supposed to be on a boat miles away from their homeland. One child that _shouldn’t_ have been waiting for her brother to leave the infirmary, with no one she is entirely comfortable with _(sure, she’s taken a liking to Taka, but I can tell she doesn’t feel safe around adults,_ Jee thinks). One child that _shouldn’t_ be seeing for the first time in weeks right now. 

And that’s the other thing. There’s a portrait of the Fire Lord hanging in the dining hall of the _Kage._ And the half of Prince Zuko’s face that is now visible bears a striking resemblance to it. 

\----- 

Eventually, the siblings fall into a routine of going on the deck to watch the stars together. 

She sits on his right. He sits on her left. 

She knows all the constellations' names and placements. He knows all the legends behind them. 

The week of her birth, twin volcanoes - Meakan and Oakan - erupted. The week of his birth, the rainy season - _jangma_ \- began early. 

Her freckles form constellations. His create distant trails on a map. 

Her fire turned blue the day following their mother’s death. His fire became golden the day their mother told him of the dragons _(“Fire is life, not just destruction”)_. 

In the night, stars crown her head. In the day, he is haloed by the sun, leaving him a silhouette. 

When she really focuses, she feels a thrumming in the air, a thread running through her veins. When he really focuses, he sees his distorted shadow on the deck, a mocking, counterfeit dark form of a boy who is no longer. 

Beneath the twinkling stars - _Of course the blue ones are her favorites,_ Zuko thinks, the corners of his lips easing out of their usual frown - she looks like their mother. In the darkness - _He's always been more comfortable in the shadows,_ Azula thinks, the tension between her brows softening - he looks like their father. 

\----- 

Taka is aware that her childhood was ripped from her manicured hands. That’s why she enjoys watching the three kids interact; they may be stranded in the ocean, but they seem to be having fun. Even the siblings - _Azula more so than the prince_ \- have their moments of joy. 

When she was fifteen, Taka was forced into marriage with an older nobleman. Her mother had arranged it all - her daughter’s hand in exchange for wealth. _Not that my family needed the money._ The man was a cruel husband and an even crueler general. When he was on the battlefield, Taka would spend her free time reading, training, spending time with her younger siblings when her mother let her visit. 

Those are the facts of the matter. How Taka feels about it is unimportant _(that’s what I tell myself)_. 

The night draws forth those meaningless feelings like a bucket with well water. 

When she lies down in her bunk, Taka expects him to slide into bed after her. When she hears the rustling of the rest of the crew changing their clothes, she tenses, anticipating hot breath against her neck and a hand on her leg. When she closes her eyes, she expects to hear his snores _(and his yelling. And his moans and glass shattering and grunts and stone hitting flesh)_. 

In a place full of earth- and firebenders, missing bodies are assumed to have been burned or buried. No one thinks to look in an underground spring. 

At least, not until their water turns black. 

Despite the lack of evidence, Lady Zhang Taka of Yu Dao was suspected. For this, she was sent away. 

(In her sleep, she dreams of the moment she lifted a manicured hand from her satin pillow, placing it over his mouth and filling it with smoke.) 

\----- 

No one must know that even awake, Zuko still has “nightmares”. He doesn’t know what else to call them, though they happen most often during the day, in the light. _Mom died in the light of lanterns. I burned in the light of Father’s fire. Uncle looked away in the light of the braziers._

Zuko will be going about his day, ordering his crew, sparring with the animal handler, having tea with Uncle, when something happens - the lieutenant shouts, the hawker’s blade glints in the sun _(“I promise no harm will come to either of them.” “Thank you, Ozai”)_ , Uncle pats his cheek- 

And suddenly he’s back behind a closed door, back in the throne room, back in the arena. And all he can do is watch. 

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should really start writing more abt characters other than yong-yut and taka but have you considered: spy lady and tall woman wanna smooch
> 
> anyway seeing other people mention my characters' names??? makes me ascend thank you mwah mwah
> 
> i have so many different ideas for this but have no sense of a timeline so the chapter count is just gonna keep changing grrrrrr
> 
> OK SO i realized that tho ambiguity is like,,,My Thing, it's possibly not all clear for others, so are you guys picking up what im puttin down w all the ocs backstories?? i mean yeah some of it will be cleared up in future chapters or whatever (and im still Actually Forming backstories for others (*cough* jee ryuji and hoshi *cough cough*)) but i dont know how Clear ive made it (especially w/ yong-yut's whole spy thing). how have you been interpreting things??? feel free to tell me what you think in the comments lol
> 
> some more words:  
> kage = japanese for "shadow" (wow i put so much thinking into that). 5 chapters in and ive Finally named their ship
> 
> Meakan & Oakan = two real volcanoes set across a lake from each other in japan that apparently both last erupted in 2008. according to wikipedia (im a master researcher), mt meakan's crater has two ponds in it, Sekinuma (meaning Red Pond) and Aonuma (Blue Pond) so. symbolism anyone?
> 
> jangma = korean for "the rainy season" - the fire nation's main influences are china & thailand (+ japan w/ the of names, its geography, & that its navy is reminiscent to wwii japan) But jee (tho more commonly spelled Ji) and Jeong are both korean names (there may be more influences, ik in canon the earth kingdom girl song wears a hanbok) so hell yeah one more culture i get to do research on
> 
> sbai = traditional thai chest & shoulder wrap
> 
> edit 1/24: here’s a [character glossary](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/641180312843534336/character-glossary-pt-2) for the ocs! warning: some spoilers if you haven’t read up to chapter 6. if you still want to read it but want to avoid spoilers, just don't read Hoshi, Jee, or Ryuji's backstories (those are in chap 6)
> 
> edit 2/1 & 2/3: added a couple details in anzu’s second pov abt lu ten & ursa’s deaths. also a lil more description of yong-yut’s clothes. changed taka's backstory just a teeny bit (w/ the whole water pt) bc i like it this way :) the disposal of the body is supposed to mirror elisa lam's death bc i find true crime interesting (can you tell?)
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are Very much appreciated (i LOVE talking to you guys!!)
> 
> \- ez <3
> 
> edit 3/1: i changed taka’s full name & title to read Lady Zhang Taka; the show orders names like in english (first then last), but for accuracy’s sake i changed it so it goes surname (Zhang) then given name (Taka)


	6. naive and hopeful and lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _R.I.P. to my youth_   
>  _And you could call this the funeral [...]_   
>  _Tell my sister don't cry and don't be sad [...]_   
>  _Close my eyes and then cross my arms_   
>  _Put me in the dirt, let me dream with the stars_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slaps the roof of my fic* this bad boy can fit so many mommy issues
> 
> mini playlist:  
> rip to my youth by the neighbourhood  
> staying gold by brick + mortar  
> stranded lullaby by miracle musical (dang it's taken me six chapters to finally include a song by tally hall & their associated acts)  
> you were never really here by jason frankel (YOOOO this is one of my best friends’ song i’m hella proud of him go check his music out)  
> afterlife by nothing but thieves
> 
> enjoy!

People like to call Ryuji a rumor spreader. He calls himself a storyteller. 

People like to call Ryuji a liar. He likes to say he’s trying to expose the truth. 

Ryuji calls himself a storyteller. He’s never told his own full story, simply because it’s nothing special _(that’s what I tell myself)._

He has been a lot of things. A footsoldier. A firebender caught in a crossfire _(41st. 41st. 41st)_. A patient with a crushed arm. A civilian offered a well-paying job to shut him up. 

_Just because I took the job doesn’t mean I’d be willing to close my big mouth._

An engineer on various Fire Navy ships. A mechanic for a certain power-hungry captain - _I never tried to learn the bastard’s name. I think it sounded like Cho? Chow?_ \- who would do anything - _and I mean he did everything_ \- if it could get him a promotion. A whistleblower. A prisoner. A member of the royal siblings’ crew. 

_Everyone must know._

\----- 

Iroh sets the tsungi horn down in the pile of instruments on deck. When he stands back up, the crew and children look back at him with perplexed faces. Iroh smiles and simply says, “Music night. Everyone grab an instrument.” 

\- 

Taka notices that Yong-Yut is the first to reach the pile. The other woman finishes tying the prince’s hair up - it had taken a _lot_ of gesturing that Taka didn’t pay attention to for Yong-Yut to convince Prince Zuko to let her braid his long hair - before reaching in and taking a rawap. 

Taka lifts a brow - a silent question - as she delicately pulls out a finely crafted guqin for herself. Yong-Yut hesitates for a moment before signing, “It reminds me of home.” 

At that, the navigator’s features soften. “Do you know how to play?” she asks aloud, gesturing to the rawap. Yong-Yut shakes her head. “Would you like me to teach you?” The woman beside her nods and begins to try to hand the instrument to her. 

Taka shakes her head as she takes the guqin out of her lap to let it rest on the deck. She then shuffles over to sit behind Yong-Yut, positioning the woman’s hands correctly, and begins to instruct her. 

\- 

Even facing away, Zuko has to try hard to ignore just how warm Yong-Yut’s face just grew. _Spirits. Get a room._

\- 

Iroh watches as the remaining people go to take musical instruments. Ryuji grabs a moktak, while the lieutenant handles the pipa as if he was born with it. 

“Are you going to take anything?” Iroh’s niece asks, turning to Gan. 

The man looks up from where he is sitting, a messenger hawk settled on his lap and nibbling on some food. The hawk's eyes close happily as Zuko takes a moment to pet its feathers while passing by. “Kinda busy, Princess,” Gan says. 

Iroh notices Mikazuki take the gekkin somewhat tentatively, while Chai Son hastily grabs the kuai ban and immediately starts clapping them erratically. Hoshi deftly snags them out of his hands. “I’ll be taking those.” Iroh chuckles as Chai Son sighs and settles for a small koudi that is dwarfed in his hand. 

The general turns to Anzu. “And you?” 

“You know me, Iroh. I’ll sing.” The man smiles and reaches for the tsungi horn as everyone settles. 

Azula looks up from where she has been practicing the xun. “Zuzu can sing!” 

Zuko’s head snaps up, looking away from the fire. “What are you _talking_ about?!” _Oh Spirits, she must be trying to get a rise out of him._ Iroh turns to reprimand his niece for teasing her brother. 

Azula shrugs. “Mother always loved your voice.” Iroh snaps his mouth shut. She turns back to playing her instrument, the high and low tones creating a melancholic harmony. The man’s heart punctures at the sound - the girl has always made it seem as if she couldn’t care less about Ursa or her assassination. 

Zuko turns back to the fire, glaring. “Yeah well Mom’s dead.” At that, the crew’s murmurs and tuning grow quiet. 

“You don’t actually believe that, do you? I’ve heard a rumor that she ran away, or was even banished.” Azula’s voice lacks its usual venomous tone; instead, she sounds genuinely curious. Vaguely hopeful. 

“She’s dead, Azula,” the boy grumbles. Iroh’s forehead creases in worry. _When did this happen?,_ he wonders. _When did Zuko grow so pessimistic? Since when has Azula permitted herself to act so childishly?_ (Iroh knows the answer to his questions. When he blinks, he sees his nephew’s smoldering body.) 

Iroh notices his niece lean ever-so-slightly toward her brother, elbows bent with her palms resting on her knees. “How do you know?” 

“Because it’s common knowledge,” Zuko snaps. Azula continues to push anyway, pressing on the bruise. 

“Her funeral was overshadowed by Father’s coronation.” Zuko’s jaw tenses. “For all we know, there may never have been a body to put on the pyre in the first place,” Azula states matter-of-factly. Iroh can see waves of heat begin to emanate off of Zuko, his face contorted in anger; the man doesn’t intervene, opting to watch. 

“What evidence do you have, Zuko?” The final nail in Zuko’s coffin is hammered in with his sister’s uncharacteristically open expression. His eyes flash at the sound of his name. 

“Because I watched her die!” 

\- 

In his limited peripheral vision, Zuko is aware of the flames heightening in response to his outburst, but doesn’t stop. “She was bleeding out and all I did was _watch_!” Zuko yells, sparks flying out of his mouth as he faces his sister fully. Her eyes are wide. “I should have helped her, and all I _could_ do was watch!” 

He huffs as he settles down again, the flames reflecting - _mimicking, mocking (weak childish foolish pathetic)_ \- his dissipating anger. The heat in Zuko’s chest dwindles, and in its place is a familiar ache. “She wouldn’t have died if it weren’t for me,” he says, his voice small. 

Zuko takes the beat of silence as an opportunity to breathe deeply. 

“Prince Zuko-” Uncle begins, extending a hand toward his shoulder. Zuko tries to suppress his instinctual flinch. Uncle withdraws his hand, so he assumes he failed. 

“I don’t need your pity. It’s been two years. I’m fine,” the boy says, tone emotionless. 

“Prince Zuko, did you see who killed your mother? It could be a matter of national security,” the lieutenant says. 

Zuko shifts in his seat and shakes his head. 

\- 

From where she’s sitting, Yong-Yut can see Zuko fidget. Her eyes don’t leave his small form when his sister speaks again. “You’ve always been such a horrible liar,” Princess Azula says, voice cracking minutely. 

“Nephew, this is important. The assassins are still at large. Your father’s life could potentially be at stake,” the general urges. “We _need_ to know who did it.” 

Yong-Yut has still not taken her eyes off of the boy. She’s glad she hasn’t. It’s minuscule, and he might not even realize that he’s doing it (the general _had_ said he is a very fast learner). But Yong-Yut does. 

It had seemed like Zuko was fidgeting with his hair, brushing away stray strands at the very top of his dark, winding braid. But no. The action is too specific, too practiced. It’s brief, and he only does it a few times, but Yong-Yut catches it. Zuko’s hand is extended up, his thumb hovering near his forehead. He absentmindedly slightly taps his thumb to the unbandaged side of his forehead by moving his hand an inch away and back. 

Yong-Yut’s eyes go wide at his signing. 

_“Father.”_

\- 

_Oh shit,_ Taka thinks. A small choking noise escapes from Yong-Yut. Their faces are equally anguished when they make eye contact. 

In the glow of the fire, a manicured hand reaches over and squeezes a calloused and scarred one in reassurance. The gesture is returned. 

\- 

Azula admits she’s curious. But Zuko’s getting all fidgety, and _Agni, that gets so annoying._ So she tries to divert the attention away from him. 

The princess looks down at the xun in her lap. “Hey Taka,” she asks the woman across the fire. Azula holds up her instrument. “The xun is made from water and earth, shaped by fire, and then played using air. Do you think any Avatars favored this instrument?” 

Taka perks up at that. “Yes, actually! Avatar Yangchen-” 

Typically, Azula would listen with rapt attention. Instead, she watches Zuko until she sees him heave a sigh of relief. Then she relaxes. 

\----- 

Iroh disembarks with the rest of the crew at the next port. On the side of the path to the market, he sees a _lovely_ looking flower. “Is anyone else going to eat this?” he calls out. He doesn’t wait for an answer. 

“No, General Iroh, don’t-!” Lieutenant Jee calls, running up to him. Behind the two, Mikazuki sighs and passes some coins to Gan. 

\----- 

Hoshi has had a pretty simple life. They’re 21. Fire Nation. Never knew their mother. Their father, a nonbender, raised all of his firebending children the best he could. Hoshi was the middle child of seven, and when they weren’t off stealing - _hey, Dad needed help getting food on the table_ \- they practiced cooking for their large family. 

Their twentieth - _at least I think it was my twentieth_ \- birthday is when it starts to get hazy. They think they were recruited. _No no maybe I was drafted?_ Hoshi is a decent firebender, but they ended up as a cook. _Hey, I’m not complaining._ They continued to follow the same principle: _Stealing is right if they have something you want._

It only gets hazier after that. All Hoshi remembers is a lake and some men who had…rocks for hands? _That doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about me to dispute it._

_(Candlelight.)_

Firebenders are passionate. And Hoshi is _passionate_ in their belief that they can figure out what the hell is going on and how they ended up on a ship as a chef to the royal heirs by themselves. 

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother Hoshi. They’ll have to look up a recipe that Dad taught, or there’s an empty spot in their head that used to be filled with the faces of all six of their siblings, or they will rely on muscle memory but _how does my body know this when my mind doesn’t?_

Hoshi seems to remember nothing. _Nothing. Nothing. Nothing._

\----- 

“Mikazuki took the last mochi!” Azula pouts after dinner. The older girl sticks her tongue out at the princess. _Ew. Everyone here is so uncivilized,_ the child thinks. 

When Azula looks back down at her plate, she spots the engineer trying (and failing) to subtly put his own mochi onto her plate. She looks up at him, eyebrows drawn together. “Why would you share with me?” 

The older man simply smiles and shrugs. “Ok…” Azula says. “Sounds fake but ok…” She hesitantly takes a bite as Ryuji turns away. It’s _delicious._

\----- 

Everyone’s seen things they didn't want to - _shouldn’t have_ \- Jee included. It’s a fact of life _(a fact of war)_. Trying to do something about it only gets others hurt. That’s a fact of life _(a fact of war)._

Doesn’t mean Jee doesn’t miss his wife and kids. 

_Apparently_ coming home to a burning house isn't enough of a punishment for suspected treason. 

So now Jee's stuck on this Spirits-forsaken boat with the idiot prince and too-smart-for-anyone-else’s-good princess. As he orders his new crew around, all of them still adjusting to their strange situation, he tries to ignore what’s gnawing at his mind. 

Princess Azula’s voice sounds a lot like Sumiye’s did. Kaori was just as headstrong as both of the royal siblings combined. Vidura would get the same mischievous look in his eyes before teasing his younger siblings as Prince Zuko. They would have been the same ages as Chai Son, Mikazuki, and Hoshi right now. 

If they were still alive, that is. 

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m not gonna do this but wouldn’t it be funny if every lil scene dealing w/ zuko's parental issues, i actually based it off of one of doofenshmirtz’s backstories
> 
> this chapter low key kicked my ass
> 
> i dont exactly feel like translating all the instruments i used. they are all chinese words, except for moktak (korean for wooden fish) and gekkin (japanese for the chinese instrument yueqin Which means "moon guitar" or "moon lute" :D)
> 
> more than 3000 hits? and over 40 subscribers?? holy shit??? thank you guys sm!!
> 
> ALRIGHT so ik in canon zuko goes to the western air temple only a week after banishment but a) if you cant tell already im really not going off of canon lol and b) ive decided to finish this section of the fic dealing w/ zuko's scar healing & all the crew's backstories first. chap count is still at 12 even tho it's most definitely gonna be more b/c i want to get a better feel once ive gotten into the second part of the story. so dont worry!! im not close to finishing this like at all. two more chapters left of this section tho! next up! a lil azula birthday bash, and then zuko gets his bandages off >:)
> 
> edit 1/24: here’s a [character glossary](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/641180312843534336/character-glossary-pt-2) for the ocs!
> 
> hope you guys liked this sorta shorter chapter! comments and kudos are Very much appreciated!! :D
> 
> \- ez <3


	7. what you never felt before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Please don't let your heart get bruised_   
>  _Feel what you never felt before_   
>  _Stay true to the sounds you use to know_   
>  _I'm betting this gets better_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> azula chapter azula chapter azula chapter azula chapter
> 
> i have now made a [pinterest board](https://pin.it/1X3pGpK) [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5yzMEaXrQP6cerh8vdxizX?si=r_hwVYDXRQytYDVeTfjgNg) and [character glossary](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/641180312843534336/character-glossary-pt-2) for this fic! go check them out!!
> 
> the setup of this chapter is a lil strange. i still use the five dashes for time skips as usual, but this entire chapter takes place during just one day, so it’s not a Huge time skip. but the single dash is for pov shifts w/in the same scene
> 
> mini playlist:  
> broken church bells by small leaks sink ships
> 
> no place like (not being) home by the frights  
> happy birthday by stoop kids  
> various kitchen utensils by skybox  
> crazy food by joe hawley (if you're not gonna listen to any other songs in this, then you MUST listen to at least this one)  
> akatonbo by kosaku yamada
> 
> enjoy! <3

_Dear Azula,_

_Happy birthday! I wish I could spend it with you._ \- here is a drawing of a frowning face - _I appreciate your letters. I haven’t been able to answer any of them because I’ve just been so busy. I’ve spent quite a lot of time away from my sisters._

_Mai has been teaching me how to throw knives. Isn’t that so cool? She still hasn’t gotten her back handspring yet, but that’s ok, practice makes perfect. I don’t mind having to teach Mai the same moves, though._ \- here was a rather lengthy explanation of everything that has happened in Caldera City - _My aura’s never been pinker!_

_How are you doing? Say hi to Zuko for me!_

_Miss you!_

_\- Ty Lee_ \- followed by another drawing, this one of a heart. 

Azula is tempted to burn the letter. It _would_ be satisfying. 

Today is _Azula’s_ birthday, not Ty Lee’s or Mai’s. _And speaking of, why didn’t Mai send a letter? Did she really dismiss all notions of friendship as soon as I left?,_ Azula thinks. 

_What did I do wrong?,_ a quieter _(more childish)_ voice in her head whispers. 

She looks at the letter once again. Her eyes first settle on Ty Lee’s first drawing. She frowns back at it. 

Azula _does_ end up burning the letter. Most of it, that is. 

\----- 

“Happy tenth birthday, Princess!” Iroh says as soon as he sees his niece. 

Azula’s face brightens. “Thank you, Uncle.” He has to admit, it is nice for her to accept his comment without a snide remark. 

“I have a gift for you.” 

At that, Azula’s disposition shifts back to her normal, vaguely condescending curiosity. A single eyebrow naturally arcs up, as if it’s foolish for Iroh to think he could please her, but she still wants to see him try. He smiles in return, thinking he will prove her wrong. 

The second that Iroh takes a doll out of his pocket, Azula scoffs and starts to turn away. He grabs her shoulder to stop her, earning a sharp glare. _At least she doesn’t flinch like her brother does,_ Iroh thinks. 

“Why don’t you check it out a bit? Your brother helped me pick it out. I think you will find something you like,” he says as he hands the doll to his niece. 

The girl huffs and sits down on the deck to investigate the doll. 

\- 

At first glance, Azula has concluded that the object in her hand isn’t a _doll,_ per se. It’s more of an…action figure? _Is that even a term? Oh well, it is now._

The “action figure’s” wooden joints are capable of motion to a surprising degree. Azula isn’t familiar with its design – a princess doesn’t have time for toys – but it is dressed in a simple green cloth that _could_ be seen as a kimono, and the dark hair is made of some type of yarn. _Clearly the focus was the craftsmanship of the wood,_ Azula sniffs. 

And she must admit, it _is_ finely crafted. The golden headdress has intricate detailing, and the war paint on the face renders the object almost lifelike. The carvings on the fans at the woman’s – Azula has come to the conclusion that it is, in fact, supposed to be a woman, though she doesn’t know _who_ – match those on the headdress. 

Azula thinks the entirety of the doll/action figure/ _thing_ , with the exception of the hair and clothing, is wooden. She lifts one of the toy’s hands to see that the smooth fingers down to the wrists are made out of metal. The girl’s eyes widen, and she carefully removes the figure’s clothing to get a better look. 

Along the outside of each arm is a thin metal strip that runs to the toy’s back. In fact, its whole torso underneath the chest is metal. Upon closer inspection, Azula finds what looks to be a button and a tiny wheel inserted into the back of each hand, while the palms seem to have holes in them. _Maybe the craftsmanship isn’t as good as I thought._

__

__

She presses down on one of the buttons. Nothing happens. Azula frowns and tries again, growing frustrated when her efforts prove to be in vain. 

“Can I try?” a voice says from above her. She glares at whoever dares to imply that Azula could _ever_ need help. Mikazuki looks back down at her. 

“Don’t you have filthy toilets to clean?” 

Mikazuki shakes her head. “Nope, Chai Son got stuck with it after stealing from the pantry. Hoshi doesn’t even have the authority to reprimand a member of the deck crew, but I’m not complaining.” Azula stores that information away for later as the older girl sits down. “What’ve you got there?” 

Azula is oddly hesitant to place the figure into Mikazuki’s outstretched hand. The deckhand lets out a low whistle. _Uncivilized,_ Azula thinks. “Where’d you get an Avatar Kyoshi figure from?” 

The girl looks back up from the toy. “Kyoshi?” Her eyebrows pull together in confusion. 

The waterbender looks at her in equal disbelief. “Do you not know about Kyoshi?” Azula shakes her head. “How about Avatar Kuruk?” Another shake. “Yangchen? Roku? Szeto?” Azula grows more frustrated as Mikazuki names more Avatars. 

“That’s enough. I was not taught about the Avatars in school.” 

“How are you and your brother supposed to capture the Avatar if you-” she starts in an accusatory tone that Azula decidedly does _not_ like. 

“I _said_ that’s _enough_ ,” the girl interrupts sharply. “Now are you going to figure this out, or should I be telling Chai Son that you volunteered to take his place?” 

Azula points out the buttons on the figure’s hands, and Mikazuki snorts. “Of _course_ you don’t know how to use one,” she mumbles to herself. When that earns her nothing but a confused look, the crew member lifts up the toy’s hand. She presses her thumb against the wheel, quickly rolling it down and then holding the button. Azula’s eyes go wide when a yellow flame ignites from its palm. 

The older girl hands the doll to the princess. It takes her a couple of tries - _I didn’t make any mistakes, I was simply trying to test Mikazuki’s patience_ \- but eventually Azula is able to create the flame without the use of her bending. She smiles softly. In the corner of her eye, she sees the skirt of Mikazuki's dress billow in the wind as she stands up. Azula continues to stare at the figure’s palm, the artificial light reflecting in her golden eyes. 

\----- 

“Princess Azula, don’t you have something better to do than tease your brother?” Jee asks. The girl looks over from where she has chased Prince Zuko to the railing of the upper deck, blazing hands blocking his descent. 

A sharp eyebrow raises. “Do you have something better in mind, Lieutenant?” She extinguishes her hands and walks over. Jee watches the boy quickly flip down - _Spirits, why does he have to be so dramatic? He’s lucky Anzu didn’t see him_ \- and stick the landing, only for him to teeter to the side when he steps forward. 

Jee turns back to the princess, who now stands in front of him. “What did you do for your birthday back at the palace?” 

“Fight with Zuko,” she answers breezily. 

“Alright… what did you do with your mother for your birthday?” 

“She would train me how to fight.” 

“And with your father?” 

“He would watch me fight with Zuko.” At this point, the princess looks positively bored. 

Jee sighs. “Would you like to spar with me?” _That_ gets her attention. 

Princess Azula smirks. “You are going to regret asking that. I accept.” 

An hour later, Jee walks into the dining hall out of breath and with singed sideburns. He does, in fact, regret asking that. 

\----- 

“Do you know how to use this?” 

Gan looks up from sharpening his sword to see the princess holding out an intricately carved dagger. He has seen her pull it out of her boot a few times to inspect it when she has nothing better to do, but Gan has never seen Princess Azula use it. He raises his eyebrows, but still nods. 

The royal seems conflicted before asking her next question. “Will you show me how?” 

Gan smiles. “Thought you’d never ask.” 

\----- 

Before Mother di- _left,_ she used to make something special for the three of them to eat in Azula’s bedroom for the girl’s birthday (it was one of the few times she cooked, having servants and all). Once Mother was gone, the siblings would simply sneak into the kitchens and steal desserts. 

It’s difficult to do so now for a variety of reasons: 

a. They are on a ship full of adults who don’t trust them. 

b. There is a certain overprotective uncle roaming the _Kage_. 

c. Even when bending both himself and Azula into the shadows so as to go unnoticed, Zuko seems to be incapable of walking more than a few yards without bumping into something. In Azula’s opinion, this would be fine if it weren’t for his rather loud swearing. Her annoyed sighs probably aren’t doing them any favors either, but she wouldn’t have to react in such a way if Zuko would just _stop thinking the walls are farther away than they really are and therefore think it’s perfectly fine to go careening around corners at high speeds._

d. It’s hard to steal from a chef who is known for their burglary skills. Azula forces the disgusting thought of Hoshi forcing Chai Son to clean the bathrooms out of her mind. 

Azula lets out a sigh of relief when they arrive in the kitchen relatively unscathed - ignoring how Zuko is currently rubbing his forehead, of course - and with no irritating crew members chasing after them. 

In the past, she has attempted to bend the shadows like her brother, to no avail. It was the first - _and only, of course_ \- time that something has not come naturally to her. She took it as a sign from the Spirits that she wasn’t meant to utilize such a _cowardly_ skill. Azula watches Zuko’s technique out of habit anyway. 

Zuko puts his weight onto his left leg. At the same time, he holds his hands in front of him, folding them in a beckoning motion with the palms facing to the sides, his elbows bent out. As he slides his right leg over, Zuko maintains his arms’ positioning, but separates his hands outward. _It’s like he’s opening curtains,_ Azula thinks. The room noticeably brightens as her brother brings his arms downward and shifts to balance his weight on both legs again. 

Immediately, the two separate and scour the kitchen for delicacies. 

\- 

Gan is patrolling the ship while on night watch when suddenly he hears a raspy voice yell, “Oh Agni watch out!” and another person sneeze. He turns to the source of the noises to see the kitchen go up in flames. 

_Frankly, I’m a little surprised it took more than a month for the ship to catch fire,_ Gan thinks. He jogs over to the crew’s quarters, making sure to knock beforehand - _I’d have to be an idiot to not see how the ladies look at each other_ \- and then enters to find the cook. 

He finds them hanging upside down from their bunk talking to Chai Son while Mikazuki dozes nearby. Both look up when they see Gan approach. He points his thumb behind him. “Kitchen’s on fire.” He lets Hoshi scramble past. 

\- 

Hoshi sprints to the kitchen just in time to see two laughing children run out of it with large bundles of food. They’re not as fast as usual - Princess Azula has to stop in order to sneeze out a burst of flame, and after putting the kitchen fire out, the prince trips when he tries to reach for his sister and misses - but Hoshi isn’t focused on them. 

\- 

When Chai Son catches up, he finds his friend kneeling on the ground and holding a charred zucchini-pumpkin to their chest. 

“It’s alright buddy, we can buy more,” he reassures. 

Hoshi sniffles. “They’re out of season…” Chai Son pats them on the head. 

\- 

Zuko is the first to burst into his sister’s room. He places the stolen food on her desk, and Azula follows suit. 

Both are incredibly excited to gorge themselves. Father doesn’t - _didn’t_ \- permit sweets in the palace, saying that the children must be at their top physical performance for their bending training. That didn’t stop him from not allowing Zuko to have dinner occasionally. 

There is a small slip of paper on the table that Zuko just manages to read before his sister grabs it. 

_“Miss you! - Ty Lee.”_ A heart. _(One two. One two. One two.)_

\- 

One pro of being a firebender: being able to heat up food. 

Azula claims some of the dasik for herself while Zuko heats the tea with his hands. He either doesn’t notice or doesn’t mind. 

They eat the dasik and higashi in relative silence - Azula tries not to comment on how loudly Zuko eats. She knows it’s difficult for him to breathe. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t bring it up a _few_ times, though - and drink the tea that doesn’t quite meet the standards set by their uncle. 

Azula is halfway through her khao niao mamuang when her brother suddenly holds up some melonpan and quacks. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks through fits of laughter. 

“The lines look like the shell of a turtleduck!” That just causes Azula to laugh even harder. Soon enough, Zuko joins her. 

One con of being a firebender: inadvertently heating up food that is _supposed_ to be cold. 

Zuko lets Azula take as much mochi as she wants - _of course he does, if he knows what’s good for him_ \- but reminds her to save some room. He hops off of her bed to grab their last parcel. 

The girl smiles when Zuko reveals the kakigōri with a flourish. He hands her a spoon, and both of their eyes widen as they take their first bites. “Mangosteen!” They say in unison, before quickly devouring their shaved ice. 

Soon enough, the siblings finish as much as they can - the rest melts. Flavored syrup drips down Azula’s chin. Her brother chuckles and hands her a napkin. 

Azula and Zuko get in comfortable sitting positions that they are now familiar with. This is the fourth time they’ve done this routine, after all - two for Zuko, and now two for Azula. Two years with no mother. _(Two years with no father, either.)_

One upside to having a big brother is he is, well, _bigger_ than her. Azula sits in the space between his legs and leans her head against him. Zuko puts his arms around her (it’s not often, but he’s the only person Azula lets touch her). 

Azula hears him clear his throat. Zuko begins to sing. 

\- 

Yong-Yut pulls Taka back from walking directly to the princess’s quarters. “I should be the one to deliver the present. I’m sneakier,” she signs, then holds her hand out for the other woman to place the leather hair tie in. 

Instead, Taka draws it closer to herself. “What? It’s my present to her.” 

“Then just give it to her.” 

Taka huffs. Yong-Yut rolls her eyes. “If Azula knew it was a present then she would refuse. And anyway, I _can_ be sneaky.” 

“Your footfall rivals even that of the komodo-rhinos,” Yong-Yut gestures then nudges Taka’s shoulder. 

Taka tries to conceal her smile. “Fine. We can both do it.” She grabs her hand - Yong-Yut decidedly does _not_ blush - and strides down the hall, only to stop them both in front of the princess’s slightly ajar door. 

Taka holds a finger up to her lips. _Agni, she’s a genius, but does she seriously think_ I’d _be the one to make noise?,_ Yong-Yut thinks. She stops herself mid-eye roll when she hears a raspy voice. The two of them lean closer to the door to hear better. 

_Dragonflies, as red as sunset,_  
_Back when I was young_  
_In twilight skies, there on her back I’d ride_  
_When the day was done_

_Mountain fields, in late November_  
_Long ago it seems_  
_Mulberry trees and treasures we would gather_  
_Was it only just a dream?_

_Just fifteen, she went away one day_  
_Married then so young_  
_Like a sister, lost, I loved and missed her_  
_Letters never seemed to come_

_Dragonflies, as red as sunset,_  
_Back when I was young_  
_Now in my eyes, when I see dragonflies_  
_Tears are always sure to come_

Yong-Yut has to pull Taka away when they begin to hear sobs from the other side of the door. 

\----- 

After his sister has fallen asleep, Zuko slips out of the room and into the hall. He stops before Uncle’s door, takes a deep breath, and knocks. Uncle answers immediately. 

“Ah, Prince Zuko. Care to join me for some tea before bed?” 

Zuko shakes his head. “I would like to update you on a simple matter, Uncle.” The man lifts his teacup as a sign to continue. 

“It was originally going to be done tonight, but I have spoken with Anzu, and she has agreed to wait. Today is Azula’s day. We will be taking my bandages off in the morning.” 

“That is great, Nephew!” 

“I think so too. I am excited to no longer be stared at wherever I go.” 

Iroh hums and takes a sip of his tea. 

Zuko's face falls. _Was that the wrong thing to say?,_ he thinks. 

_The crew's opinions should be of no importance. Pathetic. Childish. Weak. Stop acting on emotions, let alone feeling so deeply._

Zuko's face goes blank _(just like Mom)_. He bows good night to his uncle and walks back to his own room. Once inside, Zuko locks the door. Just in case. 

_(Closed doors. Tears. A blank face. He’s doing this because he cares.)_

\----- 

In the morning, Azula wakes to find her brother gone from her room. 

_(An audience.)_

\- 

In the morning, Zuko screams. 

_(Firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily.)_

\- 

In her bedroom where no one can see her _(closed doors)_ , Azula stuffs her head back into her pillows and squeezes her eyes shut. 

_(Agni, those screams. All the Spirits-damned screaming.)_

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy mochi monday gang
> 
> sorry this chapter took a lil long, it’s been a busy week! i had psats (my school did them late) + it’s the last week of the quarter so i’ve had a lotta tests and projects. hopefully it was worth it :)
> 
> i Just realized that i unintentionally made chai son, mikazuki, & hoshi the same ages as me & my older siblings. AND after my younger brother’s birthday in a couple weeks he’ll also be the same age as zuko in this. wack
> 
> the [lyrics](https://dragonflyandjapaneseculture.weebly.com/) i provided of Akatonbo are not the most accurate translation, but it's the only one i found that more-or-less rhymes in english. better lyrics can be found [here](https://lyricstranslate.com/en/red-dragonflies-lyrics.html) or you can listen & read lyrics [here](https://youtu.be/PGfxhvU9YfE)
> 
> a lotta words:  
> dasik: korean tea cookies w/ lil designs on them  
> higashi: japanese tea cookies  
> khao niao mamuang: thai mango sticky rice that’s supposed to be eaten shortly after getting it b/c it hardens when refrigerated so it’s not Entirely realistic for them to have that on a ship w/ no destination. but also this fic is abt two kids who can make fire w/ their hands so i think it’s alright if it’s not entirely realistic lmao  
> melonpan: japanese sweet bread that does, in fact, look like a turtle’s shell  
> mochi: japanese rice cakes that are typically refrigerated  
> kakigōri: japanese shaved ice  
> mangosteen: a tropical fruit native to thailand & southeast asia. isn’t a typical flavor of kakigōri, but eh i wanted to use it. also it’s fun to look at
> 
> im posting this at 4 am and today (thursday) is gonna be my first day back in school in person in over a month ruh roh
> 
> comments and kudos are SUPER appreciated mwah mwah
> 
> \- ez <3


	8. it makes me who i am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'm peeling off your skin_   
>  _And when you see your face_   
>  _Well, you'll never be the same again_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter that takes place during just one day, so time skips aren’t huge At All
> 
> mini playlist:  
> burn bright by my chemical romance
> 
> brighter than the sun by brick + mortar  
> blinded by the light by manfred mann’s earth band  
> i’ll make you sorry by screaming females  
> pavane for a dead prince by roar
> 
> enjoy!

“Why isn’t Uncle here?” Anzu puts down her finished breakfast to look at the prince. Over the years, their relationship has become one of reciprocation. An eye for an eye. 

She gives straight-forward answers with no sugar-coating. In return, he lets his guard down. 

She teaches him the weakest points on the human body. In return, he teaches her how to defend herself without bending. 

She bandages his injuries. In return, he tells her how he got them. 

Anzu looks Prince Zuko in the eye. He looks back. “Losing Lu Ten was very painful for Iroh. He doesn’t want to face that pain again.” 

After placing his bowl down, the boy throws his hands up in exasperation. “But I’m not even dying!” 

“You certainly _seemed_ to be a month ago.” Zuko is silent for a moment, so Anzu continues. “Your uncle blames himself. Depending on how you look at it, he could be trying to save himself pain by not seeing the extent of the damage. _Or_ he is doing this to punish himself. It’s dangerous to let the mind wander.” _An eye for an eye._ “Ultimately, he is doing this because he cares.” 

Anzu doesn’t regret what she said. She never does; she’s a woman of few words, and those few words are always as direct and meaningful as possible. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel bad for causing the pained look on Zuko’s face. It’s gone in an instant, though, as it is soon masked over with anger. 

“If Uncle _really_ cared, he wouldn’t have left me and Azula in the first place.” His words are filled with a venom that sounds foreign on his tongue. “My _father_ is the one who really cares. It would be foolish for Uncle to think he could replace him.” 

Anzu doesn’t respond, opting instead to take their dishes. 

\----- 

Hoshi leans against the railing of the deck as they talk with their friends. They occasionally kick up flames for Chai Son and Mikazuki to hop over while the two of them mop. 

“Did you hear that the prince is getting-” Hoshi starts. 

“Why do you say “the prince’?” Chai Son interrupts. 

Mikazuki casually flicks some - in Hoshi’s opinion, pretty gross - mop water at their friend. “What the hell are you talking about?” 

“Why do you say ‘the prince’?” Chai Son repeats as he wipes his face. “His name is Prince.” Hoshi and Mikazuki both turn to stare at him. “Why are you guys looking at me like that?” 

The fire- and waterbenders both talk at the same time, albeit in much different tones. 

“Oh Chai Son… no…” 

“What in _Agni’s name_ are you saying?!” Mikazuki’s brown eyes are wide. 

Hoshi sees Chai Son’s genuinely confused face and decides to take pity on him by stopping it with the fire. They continue with Mikazuki, though, simply because it’s fun to see her get riled up. “If his name is Prince, then why is he also called Prince Zuko?” they ask. 

Chai Son’s demeanor changes to one of relief. “Oh, that’s an easy one. Zuko is his surname.” At that, Mikazuki looks like she’s having a stroke. 

Hoshi stifles their laughter. “Then why is the girl called Princess Azula?” 

“I don’t know, adopted?” 

Mikazuki breaks her silence, gesticulating wildly. “That is _not_ how adoption works _at all_! Spirits, what the _fuck-_ ” 

Hoshi sighs and reaches up to put a hand on their friend’s shoulder. “Chai Son, I think we need to have a talk.” 

\----- 

Oddly, Zuko notices the mundane things first when he looks in the mirror. His hair is longer, reaching just past his shoulders. He’s even grown a bit taller. Despite the bed rest and lack of thorough workouts, his muscles are still visible. 

His eye then zones in on his face - specifically, on his _other_ eye. His left one is squinted and smaller than the other. The iris had once been golden - _the color of my fire, the color of_ Mom's _fire_ \- but what is visible of it now is a glazed over - _disgusting_ \- shade of pale yellow _(You look just like your mother!)_. Zuko's left doesn’t have eyelashes - those that hadn’t been singed off are now covered by swollen skin. The eyelid is strangely widest toward his nose; the far left is engulfed by drooping - _melted_ \- red scar tissue. 

Staring into the pool of muted yellow, Zuko feels nothing but rage. _(An eye for an eye.)_ He swallows his fury - it tastes like ash. There is no one to be angry at but himself. _It’s all my fault._

Firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily. Prince Zuko knows this. 

His left side no longer resembles skin. 

With a trembling hand, he gently traces the ridges and hardened bubbles of his flesh. The mark blots and swirls at its edges where the flames had licked him. A red tree branch spiders toward his lips, causing his mouth to extend in a crooked smile. _My fault._

His freckles create distant trails on a map. The mottled scars of fallen embers burn new destinations into the skin of his right side. _(It’s my fault.)_

Zuko moves his hair to look at his ear. It is much smaller than its counterpart. The lobe had once been detached, but is now plastered to the side of his head. The scar extends past his hairline. Three spikes mark where Fath- where the thumb, index, and pointer fingers had gripped (the other two had dug into his ear). 

The bright red scar travels down the side of Zuko’s neck to expand across his chest, waning down to his hip. The thin skin over his left collarbone is now puffy and tender. He doesn’t bother to trace his shoulder - it’s entirely covered in the repulsive scar. The raised skin progresses intermittently down his arm, finally ending at his swollen index and pointer fingers. The lines of his palm are barely visible. 

He would say he’s fortunate - _”You were lucky to be born”_ \- to have three fingerprints intact, but they’re unnecessary. Even without the branding, his right side makes him recognizable as the Fire Lord’s son. _(Zuko. Zuko. Zuko.)_

He wishes to go back into the shadows and to have never seen the mutilated boy that stands before him. He remembers being unable to do so - _candlelight_ \- as the Fire Lord- and the pain- choking on the smoke- brighter than the sun- _”Rise and fight, Prince Zuko!”_ \- Agni, it was so hot- _he cares_ \- 

As Father stepped forward to teach him a lesson - _burn me alive_ \- and Zuko did nothing but _watch_. 

_It’s all my fault!_

Zuko screams. 

\- 

On deck, the crew grows quiet. 

\----- 

Iroh enters Zuko’s room with a tray of tea just as he is sitting down for an exam. The old man sets the tray down and sits on the edge of the bed to watch. 

Anzu first has Zuko cover his left ear. Perfect hearing in his right. Then his left eye is covered. Perfect sight in his right. 

Then his right ear is covered. Anzu snaps and claps multiple times. “What are you doing over there? I can tell that you’re moving but you’re not doing anything,” Zuko says. 

The two adults look at each other. Iroh moves so that he is on the boy’s left side. “Prince Zuko, can you hear me?” No response. _It’s just as I feared,_ Iroh thinks. He moves back out in front of the prince. 

The boy looks up and uncovers his right ear. “Uncle, what’s wrong? Why do you look so upset?” 

“We should continue with the test,” Anzu interjects. Iroh is grateful. There is more hope for his eye - Anzu had told him that she had done her best to save it, and it is likely he will still have some vision in his left, even if it is not much. The medic has Zuko cover his right eye with his hand as she holds up a chart. “What images are you able to see? Can you describe them?” Her questions are met with silence. 

“Perhaps you should begin with something less complex, Anzu.” 

“Do not tell me how to do my job,” she says. She pulls out another chart nevertheless. “Can you read these characters to me, Zuko?” 

Another moment with no noise. Iroh is beginning to fear that his nephew hadn’t heard them when the boy speaks up. “I don’t see anything,” he says quietly. 

Anzu’s knees crack as she stands back up to put down her chart. “It is possible you are be able to see light, though. Iroh, stand here” - she points slightly to Zuko’s left - “and light a fire.” The man does as he’s told. “Now, Zuko, without sensing the heat, please point out where you see the light.” 

He just shakes his head. “I can’t see _anything_ ,” Zuko rasps. 

\----- 

Azula walks out of her room as if everything is perfectly fine. And it is. Zuko is simply being a coward as usual. _(Agni, those screams.)_

Her face is perfectly blank - _just like Mother’s_ \- when she walks out on deck. Her movements are perfectly smooth while she spars with Lieutenant Jee. Her map is perfectly drawn when Taka challenges her. Her knots are perfectly tied as Mikazuki shows her. Her mind is perfectly distracted as she spends her time with the crew. 

Azula is perfection, as always. 

\----- 

Zuko’s hands just barely miss when trying to catch the fabric that Anzu tosses to him. “Here, put these on.” 

He holds up a tan sleeveless undershirt from the pile. “What are they?” 

“Pressure garments. They will help with the itching and lessen scarring.” 

Uncle helps him put the clothing on. Zuko has the undershirt, sleeve, and glove on when all that is left is a mask with holes for his eyes, nose, and mouth cut out. “No way am I putting that thing on.” 

“Worth a shot,” Anzu says as she shrugs. The boy shifts uncomfortably in the new garments. 

“What is wrong, Prince Zuko?” Uncle asks. 

The prince hesitates before answering. “It… makes it even harder to breathe.” _Pathetic._

“You can take the chest piece off when indoors if you’d like, but you must keep it on when outside. It will help protect you from the sun. You can take it off for now though, Agni’s rays are much too powerful at this time,” Anzu says. 

Zuko quickly shuffles to pull his tunic on, being careful with the collar around his neck. He doesn’t put his hair in its usual phoenixtail, as it would pull at his fresh scar. He begins to book it toward the door when Uncle stops him. 

“I cannot let you outside at this hour. The best healers do not let their patients ruin their own progress,” the medic says. 

“And the best _princes_ do not take orders from simple medics.” With that, Zuko stomps out of his room and onto the deck. 

\- 

The firebenders in Mikazuki’s family are all very disciplined. Since their first flames, her siblings and cousins have been conscious of the effects of their bending so as not to harm the non-firebenders. 

Needless to say, Mikazuki has never seen a serious burn. Let alone one as gruesome - as discolored, as dis _figuring_ \- as this. 

She can’t help it. She runs over to the railing where no one can see her and throws up the contents of her stomach. Mikazuki is vaguely aware of Hoshi patting her back. In the distance, she can hear Chai Son swearing profusely under his breath. 

\- 

“Damn. And I thought _you_ had bad scars,” Gan says as he brushes past Yong-Yut. He doesn’t wait to see her reaction, instead continuing down the steps. 

One reason Gan likes to spend his time with the animals is they don’t care either. All that’s important to them is getting enough food, water, and pets, which Gan is plenty willing to provide. After feeding the hawks, he grabs a brush and begins to comb through the coarse hair of a komodo-rhino while he lets himself think. 

If asked what home is to him, Gan would only answer with a name. A name with a booming laugh and kind eyes. A name with strong arms and slow reflexes _(“Isn’t excess energy firebenders’ whole thing?” “Maybe I’d react faster if I wasn’t so distracted by your handsome face.” “You are_ such _a suckup”)_. A name that would sing in the morning, no matter how off-key, and never did the dishes without ending up soaked. 

A name that is buried beneath stone. A name that doesn’t have a body to be sent back. If asked what home is to him, Gan would say Kasem. 

After Kasem died, Gan had been bouncing from ship to ship, going wherever he was told. Doesn’t matter where. Then he left a few too many cages open, lost a couple of messenger hawks carrying information, then boom! He's labeled a saboteur and put on this lousy ship. 

Doesn't matter. Gan doesn’t care where he is. His home is dead. 

He moves on to the next komodo-rhino. His movements are practiced, smooth. As Gan brushes, his mind can't help but wander to the sight of the prince's milky eye. Unseeing. Empty. _Nothing. Nothing. Nothing._

\- 

Jee watches as steam quite literally blows out of Ryuji’s nose. _He can’t blow a fuse right now, not here,_ the lieutenant thinks. “Ryuji, engine room. _Now._ ” 

A few minutes after the engineer stomps down the steps, Jee moves to join him. As soon as he enters, Ryuji speaks. “It makes me so fucking angry, Narong.” 

Jee doesn’t need an explanation. “There’s nothing we can do about it.” 

The other man turns, silhouetted by the fire behind him. “Does seeing a _child_ with those burns not infuriate you?” he accuses. 

“It does,” Jee says as he holds his hands up against his chest in a placating motion. “But there is nothing we can do but take orders from him, no matter how much I don’t want to.” 

“I would rather take orders from _him_ than the general. Or the Fire Lord, for that matter. How the hell could he let that happen to the prince?!” 

“What, are you calling for a mutiny? Treason?” Jee’s voice begins to increase in volume. 

“No, but I _am_ saying we have to do _something._ Where does your loyalty lie, Narong?” Ryuji demands. 

“My loyalty lies with the Fire Lord!” 

“And when the Fire Lord is willing to let his son be injured? When the Fire Lord is letting the future of our nation burn? What then?” Ryuji takes a step closer. 

“Stand down, Ryuji!” the lieutenant barks. “Like I said, there is _nothing_ you can do." 

The engineer only gets closer, until he is in his face. “Stop putting your anger on the back burner! Why aren’t you willing to do something?!” 

“Because that will only get more people hurt!” Jee snaps. 

At that, the two men take a moment to catch their breaths. Ryuji punches fire into the boiler. 

“As your superior,” Jee begins, “I am _ordering_ you to keep your mouth _shut_. None of us want to be on this ship, but we can at least try and make it tolerable. And that means no more stories about Yong-Yut’s scars. No rumors about what happened to the prince. No more gossip fed to the princess. No more treasonous thoughts. _No more bullshit._ Am I understood?” 

A sharp nod. Lieutenant Jee strides back onto deck. 

\----- 

Azula walks over to where her brother is looking out onto the ocean. She taps her fingernails against the metallic railing in order to gain his attention. She gives him a quick onceover to assess the damage (his possible vulnerabilities). 

Shrivelled ear. Squinted eye. A lot of red. Smooth scar - _well, parts of it,_ Azula thinks - almost waxy. Melted like candle wax. _(He looks like candlelight.)_

She turns to the ocean and speaks loudly over the wind. “Mother once called me a monster. Funny, you’re the one who looks the part.” 

Azula smirks when she sees the banister grow red-hot under Zuko’s grip. 

\- 

Yong-Yut pauses her work to walk over to Zuko’s right side. They stand there in silence for a moment, until she reaches over to tap his wrist. 

A hand grabs her arm. “Don’t. Touch. Me.” 

Yong-Yut looks up from her wrist to his face, caught off guard. Prince Zuko’s left is twisted into a scowl. She stares into his right eye instead. In the depths of its golden pool, there is only pain. 

She gives him a sharp nod. He relaxes minutely and lets her arm go. 

A few minutes pass before Yong-Yut tries again. She trusts that he can pick up on her shifting heat signature, so she begins to sign. “We’re matching.” 

Zuko turns back to her, single eyebrow lifted. “How so?” Yong-Yut points to the red scar extending out of the corner of his mouth on his left side - _Agni, if I knew who made him learn to flinch like that, they’d become a bonfire,_ she thinks - and then to her own cheeks. She gives a large smile to add to the effect. 

The boy looks surprised for a moment - as if he had forgotten about Yong-Yut’s own scars - before barking out a bitter laugh. “We’re both messed up, aren’t we?” 

“I’d like to think we’re the prettiest people here,” she signs. 

The prince quickly glances around the ship. “Well, the standard isn’t very high.” Yong-Yut snorts. Zuko gives a lopsided smirk. The left side doesn’t - _can’t_ \- move. 

\----- 

Taka is frustrated with the prince. His constant barking of orders and incessant demanding that everyone keeps working is driving her insane. She hasn’t been able to talk with Yong-Yut since Prince Zuko walked out on deck. 

Even worse, Taka can’t even be _mad_ at him for it. If she looked like… _that_ then she’d be pretty damn angry as well. She’d rip whoever did that to her to shreds. _(An eye for an eye.)_

Needless to say, when Prince Zuko demands to speak to her, she’s pretty pissed off. She fights back the urge to grab him by the shoulders and scream, _“Who did this to you?!”_ Instead, Taka bows respectfully. 

“How far away is the Western Air Temple?” he asks without any greeting. 

“We have not strayed very far from Fire Nation waters, so I would say about a week, though we will need to stop for supplies beforehand.” 

Prince Zuko nods. “Very well. You have one week maximum to get us to the temple.” He turns to walk away. 

Taka cocks her head to the side. “And why the hurry, Your Highness?” 

From where she can see him, Prince Zuko’s shoulders hunch and his hands tighten into fists. He turns his head toward Taka and blows smoke out of his nostrils. 

“I must capture the Avatar.” 

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit guys i have to start writing an actual plot now that zuko’s on his Quest oh no
> 
> now’s when i reveal that i a) am incapable of writing beautiful description and b) have a clear lack of medical knowledge
> 
> me ranting abt my writing process ahead:
> 
> y’all ever write a line and think ugh my writing is so sexy? that’s how i felt writing “His freckles create distant trails on a map. The mottled scars of fallen embers burn new destinations into the skin of his right side. (It’s my fault.)” bc a) that first sentence is originally from chap 5 and i Love repetition b) me? using figurative language instead of just plainly stating things in an attempt to be Profound? it’s more likely than you think and c) that’s the fic title!! and i was able to integrate it in a way that Doesn’t seem forced!! ok i’m done gloating whew
> 
> i put so much brain power into writing gan’s pov and zuko seeing his scar that a good amt of this chapter is a bit…Lacking, like jee’s pov is almost entirely dialogue w/ the occasional speech tag. i reverted back to how i wrote chap 1 & 2 by Not writing this in order and i should Not do that again lmao
> 
> this chap was so difficult for me b/c i didn't even know where to Start. i have a feeling that's how writing this is gonna be from now on b/c i dont have as many notes down for the remaining chaps :(
> 
> this is the first chap where i’m like woah,,i Understand my characters & how they’d react. ik that’s silly bc it’s the eighth chap but this is the first one in a bit (i Think) in which each character has something important going on but it all Clicked and felt natural ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> if you comment &/or leave kudos i am simply going to kiss you on the mouth
> 
> \- ez <3


	9. drowning in this restless mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _My heart is like the ocean searching_   
>  _Searching for the shore, I'm learning_   
>  _There must be something more than dreaming_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo go check out my friend frankie’s [legend of zelda fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29179071/chapters/71637798) that im betaing for it’s sick as hell and i subconsciously mirrored yong-yut w/ his version of link go read his fic NOW
> 
> mini playlist:  
> aawake at night by half•alive
> 
> it's real by real estate  
> call my name by the unlikely candidates  
> graveyard's full by the growlers
> 
> enjoy >:)

Zuko seems to have an obsession with escape. 

He grieves the death of the boy he could have been, _if only_. He buried that body the minute he saw his own mutilated appearance in the mirror. 

Zuko’s blood simmers underneath his skin. He knows there is no starting over now. All he can do is keep running. After so much time in the shadows, he fears that when he finally reaches the light of day, it will be nothing to him but blinding. 

He keeps his phoenixtail out of respect for the man who used it to hold him down and prevent him from escaping. His respect for - _fear of_ \- the man who saw his ugly cowardice and sent him on a wild peacock-goose chase runs deep, to the roots of the boy’s hair, to the soles of his feet, to the wreckage of his mind, to the tips of his fingers, to the seams of his scar. 

In some other universe, Zuko got away from his father. 

\----- 

Azula has this fantasy that she goes back, all the way back to before everything happened, and starts over. 

_Haven’t you learned by now? It hurts either way._

One night she listened to one end of a conversation she should not have overheard. Mother did not believe Azula when she repeated the information, telling the girl to stop lying and go back to bed. Her body was found the next morning. 

_Monster._ Mother only called her that word once, but in quiet moments it still reverberates in her head, her heart. _Monster._ Azula hears its echo when staring at the blue flames that dance in her palm. _Monster._ Her veins thrum with an unidentified energy that whispers to her. _Monster._

All Azula could do was watch as her father tortured Zuko. _Candlelight._ She swears she saw the face of the sun disc dim, a vast and sudden silence among the noisy and smoke-filled heavens. 

That evening she dreamt she listened to one side of a conversation she should not have heard. 

She does not watch the skies during the day any more. 

She does not look up. 

Azula has this fantasy that she gets herself back from her parents, even if it means losing everything she’s done so far, everyone she’s met, everywhere she’s been. 

\----- 

Yong-Yut seems to have an obsession with escape. _If only._ Her hand absentmindedly drifts to her scars. 

She has started over too many times to count. 

( _One final time_. A blank slate. A shaved head. Civilian clothing. A new name. A boat. A beautiful navigator. A weird general. A trio of rowdy kids. A chill hawker. A serious lieutenant. A gruff medic. A gossiping engineer. A pair of angsty siblings.) 

(A woman with too many identities and too many scars and too many lives half-lived and too many unknowingly-betrayed people left in her wake.) 

Every name Yong-Yut has assumed claws at her throat and begs to be voiced but she pushes them down further, further, further, to the burial ground in her chest. There, they are protected by the cemetery gates of her rib cage that look all too similar to earth bent prison bars. The cavity of her chest is filled to the brim with names. 

The name of the son her parents were proud of with a fiery passion. 

The guard who told menial secrets to a princess with ice in her breath. 

The intellect who listened to a spirited boy in a wheelchair with wind in his hair. 

The merchant who told stories of her adventures to a boy with constellations in his veins and a girl with glaciers in her bones. 

The companion begrudgingly loved by a little girl with eyes of marble. 

The secret agent encased in crystal as her face was carved with precision and a chisel was taken to her bloodied tongue. 

She gasps for breath through body-filled lungs. The smoke that leaves her nose - _I fear that if I open my mouth, the resurrected will scream of what I’ve done_ \- whispers names that were last spoken by people who trusted her. 

_Yong-Yut. Yong-Yut. Yong-Yut._

In some other universe, she has a self to go back to. 

\----- 

Taka has this fantasy she plays out when her mind is convinced that the fists are coming, the bed is going to shake, the door will creak open. _I escaped. I started over. That should have fixed things._

Taka has this fantasy that she goes back and wakes him up to see the fear reflected back at her in his tired eyes as she holds him down. _An eye for an eye._

Taka has this fantasy that he struggles and puts up a fight and scratches her arms as she pushes down further, further, further and he pierces the air with his smoke-filled screams and makes every split lip, every hair pull, every black eye, every fingernail dug into her hips, every fractured bone that she has gotten _worth_ something. 

Taka has this fantasy that her husband doesn’t go so quietly. 

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> L.O.L. amirite
> 
> this is hella short but i just wanted to get Something posted b/c i had this pt. completed and it didnt really make sense anywhere else. imma try to continue writing today but i have A Lot planned for the next chapter
> 
> school has been a bitch recently and i’d love to say that i’ll be able to write more during february break but i unfortunately have to do a ton of stuff to Really start the college admissions process 😔
> 
> chap 8 has been edited so that at that point in time, the Kage is a week away from the Western Air Temple
> 
> i used a few different sources for some inspo for lines for this chapter. [these](https://pin.it/3lY44wD) [pinterest](https://pin.it/5lrs6Z3) [posts](https://pin.it/2z7fK0M), along with bane’s fantastic fucking monologue during the sewer fight scene in the dark knight rises
> 
> as always, comments & kudos are SUPER appreciated mwah mwah
> 
> \- ez <3


	10. without no direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Can't see where I'm going_   
>  _It's too dark outside_   
>  _Why should I keep moving_   
>  _There's no end in sight_   
>  _The future is scary_   
>  _It's so terrifying_   
>  _Will I be buried_   
>  _Or will I die in a fire [...]_   
>  _The world is so big now_   
>  _It's hard not to feel alone_   
>  _Without no direction_   
>  _I don't know where I'll go_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AY YO ART CHECK i commissioned @/cardboardghost on instagram to draw taka & yong-yut and their art is FANTASTIC im in LOVE go check it out [here](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/642515318025175040/yoooooooo-i-commissioned-the-fantastic)
> 
> another chap that takes place over just one day. 5 dashes aren’t always necessarily time jumps anymore, they just mark different scenes, tho it is all in chronological order
> 
> mini playlist:  
> home (pt. 1 & 2) by current joys
> 
> variations on a cloud by miracle musical  
> sky so blue by hot flash heat wave  
> ghost mountain by the unicorns  
> ruler of everything by tally hall
> 
> enjoy !!

“Y’know, I threw the first brick at Stonewall,” Ryuji casually mentions over breakfast. 

Chai Son chokes on his rice, and is only able to talk after Hoshi pounds on his back. “Seriously, why have I _never_ seen you earthbend before?” 

Anzu groans. “Just call it Ba Sing Se’s Outer Wall like a normal person, Ryuji.” She looks at Chai Son. “He’s lying, by the way. He wasn’t even there.” The medic turns back to the center of the table and takes a bite of her food. “And anyway, _I_ threw the first brick.” 

Chai Son chokes on his rice again. 

\----- 

Iroh stands to the right of his nephew at the bow of the _Kage_ as the mountains of the Western Air Temple come into view. 

“It’d be nice to change the world,” Zuko says abruptly. 

Iroh looks at the boy, who is standing rimrod straight with his hands clasped behind his back. “For the better, right?” the older man asks loudly. 

Zuko sneaks a glance at him - _so he definitely heard me_ \- before continuing to look straight ahead. 

Iroh’s brow furrows. “Answer me.” 

\- 

Jee watches the prince roll a map out on the deck for everyone to see. Though it is still early, the boy had been speaking with the navigator for the majority of the morning so far, with the exception of when he had been called to the healer’s room. 

The map of the Western Air Temple is marked up, with names written on it. “We will be splitting up in order to cover more ground. Search for signs of life and anything that could possibly help our hunt.” Jee hadn’t noticed until now that Prince Zuko has a slight lisp. Paying closer attention, he realizes that the left side of the boy’s mouth doesn’t move nearly as much as the other side. Despite this, he still speaks with authority. 

“After speaking with Uncle, it has been decided that it would be wisest for each pair to include a firebending adult. For safety purposes.” The prince doesn’t sound like he believes that last part. He continues on by listing off the pairs. Him and Yong-Yut - _he’s playing favorites, I see_ \- Chai Son and Taka, Mikazuki and Ryuji, Anzu and Iroh, Gan and Hoshi, and lastly, Azula and Jee. _I’m lucky if I survive the day,_ the lieutenant thinks. 

Once every pairing has been given their assignments, Jee speaks up. “I would like to remind you all that we are going to an _Air_ Temple. It’s architecture will be dangerous and likely unstable. And we _will_ see bodies.” The atmosphere grows uncomfortable with that last statement. The man tries not to think about how none of the kids or the siblings have probably ever had to see a dead body before. _Well, unless the prince’s statement about his mother’s assassination is to be taken as the truth._

“How ‘bout a signal?” Heads swivel to face Gan. “In case a rock falls or someone gets lost or something. An emergency.” 

Jee nods. “Very well. In the event of an emergency, blast fire into the air.” Four hands immediately raise into the air in objection. Jee sighs. “Or just yell as loud as you can.” 

“And what about any bodies?” Mikazuki asks timidly. Her soft question gives the lieutenant pause, allowing the prince to interject. 

“Does anyone know of Air Nomadic funeral practices?” At that, Jee automatically turns to the navigator, who shakes her head. 

“Much of the information on the Nomads has been conveniently lost or burned.” 

Prince Zuko grunts in acknowledgement, eyebrow furrowed. “Cremate any bodies you find. It may not be correct, but it’s the best we can do.” 

\----- 

“I’ve heard that this specific air temple is built entirely upside down!” Chai Son tries not to freak out over what he overhears Mikazuki tell Hoshi behind him on the staircase leading down the cliffside. He… doesn’t succeed. 

_Oh Agni oh fuck how is anybody going to walk into the temple if it’s upside down? Oh shit they’re all gonna fall! What if I’m revealed as an earthbender because I can walk on it oh NO-_

\----- 

Upon entering the main temple with the group, Zuko is mildly impressed by the architecture. The upside-down buildings have tall archways that lead to open rooms for maximum airflow, with what Zuko assumes are bedrooms off to the sides of some corridors. 

He hears Uncle’s cracking joints as the old man sits down. He looks up at Zuko. “Nephew, you should go to Wan Shi Tong’s library and look up ‘Leaves from the Vine funny’.” 

Zuko stares at him for a moment in complete bafflement as to what the _fuck_ that is supposed to mean. _Spirits, Uncle and his stupid uncle riddles._

He ignores whatever his uncle just said, instead ordering his crew to split up into their respective sections. The prince, Yong-Yut, Uncle, and Anzu stay in the main temple. The latter two sit down in the central hall so that they can be easily found if needed, and also so they do not strain themselves. 

Before he can begin exploring, Uncle calls Zuko over to him again. “Would you like to learn a bending trick?” Zuko doesn’t understand why he didn’t also propose this to Azula, but nods his head anyway. He is always eager to learn new bending techniques. He sits down where the man gestures beside him. 

“Chilly here, is it not?” 

“Get to the point, Uncle.” 

“I know a way to warm your entire body using your Internal Flame…” Zuko admits he tunes out a bit after that. It’s just so… _mundane._

Zuko doesn’t hear what Anzu says - she is situated on his left - but he is able to sense Yong-Yut sitting down next to the medic. He turns to the two women out of curiosity. When Anzu sees him looking, she raises an eyebrow. “Need to know how to communicate with any potential patients,” is the only explanation she gives. 

“Prince Zuko, are you listening?” The boy snaps back to attention and nods. Apparently this doesn’t fool the man, because he begins again. _Agni, give me strength._ “In fact, I learned this strategy while studying the Nomads.” _Pfff, firebending is superior._ “They used airbending to maintain their internal temperature.” _Boring._ “Because of this, it requires some focus and meditation.” _Hate it already._ “Though, it can also be used as a combative tactic.” _Now hold on a second-_

Zuko’s renewed interest must be apparent, as a smile settles on Uncle’s face. “Are you ready to learn the breath of fire, Nephew?” The boy nods. “Very good. Now sit in padmasana, and I will instruct you.” 

Zuko does as he is told, sitting in his usual meditation pose with crossed legs, feet placed on top of the opposite thighs, and his back straight. The prince closes his eyes upon his uncle’s instruction. “Your stomach is the sea of chi. As you breathe deeply, feel the waves crest on your exhalation. Let the heat of your Internal Flame spread through your veins.” 

The boy listens carefully and focuses on the heat. He is initially caught off guard by the feeling of flames licking at his throat. On his next exhale, golden flames burst forth. 

Zuko did _not_ expect to get that so quickly. _Nothing_ comes to naturally to him - he even struggled to begin shadowbending. He opens his eyes again to see Uncle beaming at him. “Nicely done, Prince Zuko!” The boy has to admit, the pride that swells in his chest feels nice. 

\- 

_You know those days when you’re like, ‘Life is already so Spirits-damn weird, this might as well happen?'_ Yeah. That’s how Gan feels watching the cook of the fuckin’ _Fire Nation royal siblings’ ship_ shoot fire out of their feet in order to propel themself to different levels of an abandoned Air Temple. And get this! Hoshi doesn’t even remember learning how to do that! 

_Agni, it’s going to be a long day,_ the hawker thinks. 

\----- 

Azula knows that fire is the superior element, _of course_. But she has to admit that the other elements are… formidable. Azula knows the definition of the word - _I don’t read the dictionary in my free time for nothing_ \- 

_formidable_

_adjective._

_inspiring fear or respect through being impressively large, powerful, intense, or capable._

She doesn’t mean that the other elements are fearsome in any way, no. _That would be weak._ But she does recognize that they are worthy of respect. 

Looking down at the cavernous - _carnivorous_ \- mouth below, Azula feels uneasy at the prospect of being able to just walk out into the open air. It is strikingly similar to the discomfort she feels when staring into the depths of the ocean for too long. The princess suppresses her shiver as a breeze encapsulates her body. Azula has to admit, the possibility of being devoured whole terrifies her. 

\----- 

Somehow, Chai Son has gotten Taka to join a conversation as they start with a quick precursory search of their section of the temple. Well, _Taka_ is the one who is genuinely searching. The boy is just trailing behind her as he speaks. 

“I don’t know what you see in her. I mean maybe it’s just ‘cause you two are like, a whole _decade_ older than me. But like imagining kissing those scars? _Bleh._ ” 

_She is very gorgeous to me!,_ Taka thinks. She shoots him a glare over her shoulder. “You don’t have all the facts.” 

“Which are?” Chai Son asks as he kicks a pebble along the floor of the open pagoda. 

Taka sighs - and she’ll admit, it’s a pretty dreamy sigh. “Woman…” 

Chai Son rubs his chin as if thinking. _If he’s even capable of thought._ “Ok yeah I can get behind that,” he says, then jogs to catch up with her. 

\- 

The general consensus on the ship is that Chai Son is the third tallest. He has no clue why; he and Lieutenant Jee are the exact same height. Doesn’t matter. Point is, Taka is taller than Chai Son - taller than _everyone_ on the _Kage_ \- though by only three or four inches. And yet, she _still_ manages to knock her head as she walks through the stone doorway, despite Chai Son being able to pass through the threshold without the need to duck. 

The boy knows that he’s no genius, and that’s fine by him. But really, he expected better of Taka than to send a large blast of fire at the offending structure, which was unstable to begin with. And he expected _way_ better of Taka than to stand right where the doorway was about to topple. _Spirits, did she really hit her head that hard? Or is she just looking for an excuse to get angry?_

With no time to push the woman aside or call out, Chai Son’s body acts on instinct. His right leg slides forward as his torso leans back slightly. His left arm is held in front of him and his right one is brought backward before he switches the two. As Chai Son’s right arm quickly pushes forward, palm perpendicular to the floor, the stone of the doorway slides back into place. 

When Taka turns back to him, the crew member tries to quickly cover for himself by standing straight with his arms behind his back. _Ok, maybe the whistling is a bit overkill,_ he thinks. 

Chai Son looks back at the woman when she clears her throat. _Here it is. I knew this was gonna happen eventually._ Taka’s eyes are wide. _”Monster!” “Get out of my sight!” “Unnatural” “Just keep it to yourself” “Disgusting!” “You’ll never fit in” “Why do you do this to yourself?”_ He gives a shaky grin. _No one must know._ “Oops?” _She has her fire. I have earth and she has her fire and I wouldn’t do anything to stop her._

He grows more uncomfortable underneath her amber gaze as the emptiness stretches on. _Release me! Just say it!,_ his mind screams. _Just fucking say it!_

The navigator finally breaks the silence after what seems like several minutes. “How long have you been able to do that?” 

“Uhhh…” Truth is, that’s a very good question. Chai Son doesn’t remember ever _not_ being able to do that. 

Taka waves her hand as if shooing away the idea. “Actually, it doesn’t matter.” She crosses her arms. Her demeanor isn’t hostile like Chai Son thought it would - _should_ \- be. Instead, she just seems curious. “Who else knows?” 

The boy clears his throat. “Uh, no one.” 

“Why have you been hiding it?” That throws Chai Son for a loop. Doesn’t she know the answer? Doesn’t she know that this makes him a _monster_? The enemy? Doesn’t she know how dangerous it is for someone like him to be working for the future _Fire_ Lord? _Spirits, of course she doesn’t, she’s a colonial._

Just as the crew member comes to this realization, Taka seems to come to one herself. She continues to speak in a hushed voice despite the lack of proximity to the rest of the group. He’s grateful for that. “Does it hurt? Holding back?” 

Chai Son huffs out a laugh. _How does she know?_ Despite stopping at a port for supplies and moving the doorway just now, he can still feel the residual aches begin to ease up. Aftershocks. “All the way down to my bones.” 

Taka seems to regard him for another moment, then pats him on the shoulder as she walks by. “Well, good to know that I won’t have to do any manual labor today.” 

\----- 

The first thing Jee notices is the lack of damage to the temple’s infrastructure. _Strange._

The second thing he notices is that almost all of the bodies are in what must have been the communal bunk rooms. The singed shades are drawn. 

The third thing the lieutenant notices is that stationed outside many of the doors are larger skeletons. Protecting the rooms and their contents. For one room, Jee has to move bones aside so they do not jam the door. Even in death, the woman is still guarding the children from the Fire Nation. 

\- 

Azula doesn’t like it here. The navigator had told her some of what she knows about it before they arrived. The Eastern and Western Temples were female-only. Girls trained their bending here. They ate their meals here. The Nomads did not have the same family structure as the Fire Nation, but even unknowingly, girls spoke with their siblings here. Even unknowingly, they may have been cared for by their mothers here. They played here. Girls sang and danced and meditated and dreamed and learned and exercised and laughed here. 

Many of the skeletons are too Azula-sized for her liking. 

\----- 

Despite his fury, Ryuji carries the bodies in his arms as delicately as he can. 

\- 

Mikazuki washes soot marks off of the walls and ground. After washing the bodies that she and Ryuji collected, the waterbender moves on to the other parts of the sanctuary. She cleanses those bodies before they are cremated as well. In the Fire Nation, it is called yukan. Washing of the corpses with warm water. 

It is not enough. Her people did this. No matter how much water the girl uses, ash will remain in the crevices of the temple’s carcass. Holiness is in the hands even if it is the head that is always haloed. Mikazuki wonders if her hands will ever be truly clean again. 

\----- 

Despite the heaviness in Gan’s heart, the skeletons feel too light in his arms, almost as if the bones are hollow like a bird’s. 

\- 

After being bathed by Mikazuki, the cook notices that some of the bones look almost transparent. Hoshi lights the fire and watches as the skeletons melt like glass. Despite the flames, a chill runs up their spine. The smoke is quickly blown into the cavern. 

\----- 

Iroh hears his nephew’s reaction from down the hall. The temple amplifies voices. The man does nothing but stand by and watch. His brother was right in one respect, at least. Suffering will be - _has been_ \- Zuko’s teacher. 

\- 

As a medic, safety is sort of Anzu’s whole _thing_. Sitting with Iroh in the central pagoda with her supplies ready in the event of an emergency, she doesn’t have to face the carnage. _That’s a first._ That gives her plenty of time to think. 

The temples were rest stops for many adult airbenders as they traveled the world. Avatar Yangchen was born here. Later, when reincarnated as Kyoshi, the Avatar even sought refuge here once. They were safe havens. But sitting in this sanctuary of bones, Anzu can’t help but think that nobody is safe. 

\----- 

With both of their bending abilities, Taka and Chai Son make quick time. They join the prince and Yong-Yut in the main temple to help. 

In one bedroom, every girl is still tangled - _no, resting_ \- in her faded and moth-eaten blanket. Even the older airbender is. _Smoke inhalation._ Taka moves on quickly. In a few rooms farther away are skeletons in flowing orange robes with wooden necklaces surrounded by Fire Nation soldiers. Phalanges that had once produced flames now clutch at their own throats. 

As Taka carries a master airbender in her arms, she feels someone tug on her braid, but when she turns around, no one else is there. 

\- 

“This isn’t right.” Chai Son looks up from the femur in his hand. The prince stands nearby, cradling an airbender wrapped in a blanket in his arms. The older boy ignores how similar his position is to when Azula makes him carry her. Careful. _They’re all too young,_ Chai Son thinks. _All three of them. Zuko, the princess… the Air Nomad girl in his arms._

“There’s… there’s no way to justify this.” Zuko seems to weigh his words carefully. 

“Fire Lord Sozin found a way to explain it. The Avatar,” Chai Son says. 

The prince shakes his head. “That doesn’t make it fair.” 

“Since when have things been fair?” Chai Son asks bluntly. Looking at the Fire Prince’s melted face, at the blanket, at the leg bone in his hands, he knows the answer to his own question. _Not today. Not the day we first - Agni, why does there have to be a first time? - heard the prince’s screams. Not one hundred years ago. Not the night that little girl burned to death._

The boy clears his throat. “Father is greater than Fire Lord Sozin. I trust whatever he plans to do with the Avatar once I capture him.” 

\----- 

The group of four is silent as they work. Zuko doesn’t like it. He feels as if he is being watched, listened to. The wind carries whispered voices and laughter with it. _“The wind will carry you.”_ When Zuko begins to hum, Yong-Yut joins him. 

\- 

Toward the end of the day, Yong-Yut walks into one of the last unsearched rooms. There, she sees Chai Son lift a slab of rock and- 

Actually, she doesn’t stick around to see what else he does. He didn’t know she was there. _Of course not._ She has had plenty of experience hiding, disguising herself, being silent. Yong-Yut walks briskly back to the main hall. 

Physically, she is in the Western Air Temple. She knows that. Her mind doesn’t seem to get the memo though. The woman squeezes her eyes shut against visions of moving rock. It’s in vain; in the darkness of her eyelids, she remains in a cell in Omashu. 

_Yong-Yut’s literal earthly tether prevents her from escaping, and a blade is slipped into her mouth. A searing pain fills the left side of her face. She screams and curses._

_It takes days for the bleeding to stop. It probably wouldn’t have taken so long if she would have just_ shut up _. Only then do her captors return. “Y’know, your laugh is really starting to get on my nerves,” she slurs. The king waves his hand as he walks away, and she is encapsulated once again. The initial cut is the slowest; the blade is met with resistance by the corner of her lips, and Yong-Yut’s screams don’t make it any easier._

_She doesn’t know how long she’s left alone this time. Her jaw hangs open, and no matter if she is viewed from the side or front-on, Yong-Yut’s bottom molars are always visible. At one point, she reaches a hand up to try and close her_ damn mouth, _but all that gets her is a hand caked in blood._

_Bound by stone, all she can do is watch as a chisel and mallet are lined up with the very end of her tongue._

When she opens her eyes again, she is next to a pile of bones. Sitting near a heap of countless dead girls whose names have been long-forgotten, Yong-Yut wants to laugh. _How fucking fitting._ Or maybe scream. She chooses silence instead. 

\----- 

Zuko cups his flame in his palm as he holds a vigil for the dead. _(A heartbeat.)_ If he strains his good ear, he can make out the tinkling of glass wind chimes. The temple has other chimes as well - metal tubes in every corner of each pagoda. Hanging in every cardinal direction - one for each temple, each of the four winds - they create melodies and ward off evil spirits. It is clear that the glass chimes were decorative, intended to cast colorful illuminations, but after a hundred years they have been eroded down to the point of opacity. 

In the dead of night, eight flames - one blue, one gold, and six orange - guide the souls of the Western Air Nomads into the Spirit World. 

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy i think it’s a given that writing about genocide is Not gonna be a fun lil adventure. ill keep the end notes to a minimum. despite some of the jokes toward the beginning, i tried to do this chapter justice & keep everything after the reveal of the bodies serious
> 
> “leaves from the vine funny” is Supposed to make no sense lol my school’s chorus director once told us to “go on youtube and look up ‘deck the hall funny’” with no context and then would not stop saying that as our only instructions during class for weeks straight. this joke is for my friend frankie and frankie Only
> 
> words:  
> Padmasana = Sanskrit word for lotus position, a meditation pose w/ the legs crossed & feet resting on the opposite thighs. not being respectful of & giving credit to south asia is for chumps. rip to the show but im different  
> yukan = from what i found it’s part of japanese burial practice and literally translates to “washing corpse in lukewarm water”
> 
> hope you guys liked it! i am in love with everyone who leaves comments &/or kudos
> 
> \- ez <3


	11. never make it out alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And rejoice, your hair it smells like burning hair_   
>  _Oh, rejoice, your nails all got chewed off_   
>  _Rejoice, and - holy fuck! - you're bleeding there [...]_   
>  _Rejoice despite the fact this world will hurt you_   
>  _And rejoice despite the fact this world will kill you_   
>  _And rejoice despite the fact this world will tear you to shreds_   
>  _Rejoice because you're trying your best_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> story night chapter part 1/2 :D
> 
> use suspension of disbelief for this one folks it's about to get wacky
> 
> mini playlist:  
> rejoice by ajj
> 
> stories by saint motel  
> afraid of the dark by the frights  
> don't you dare forget the sun by get scared  
> turn the lights off by tally hall  
> explode by patrick stump (im really exposing myself as a former emo over here huh)
> 
> enjoy!!

Hoshi sits down between Mikazuki and Chai Son from passing around cups of tea. Everyone is sitting around the fire on deck as the _Kage_ drifts in the serene waters. Questions and stories are passed around, interspersed by the occasional side conversation. Despite the nighttime chill, Hoshi thinks it’s pretty cozy.

“Alright I got a question,” Gan says. He is lying backward and propped up by his elbows. “Worst injury you’ve ever gotten, go.”

“You’re the one who asked the question so you should go first,” the lieutenant says.

Gan shrugs and turns so his back is to the fire. He lifts up his shirt to reveal three long scars running diagonally down his back. Claw marks. “Word to the wise: do _not_ turn your back on an angry albatross-falcon.”

Answers - and scars - continue to be shared from around the circle. A sword slice on the shoulder for Lieutenant Jee. Poison tea for General Iroh. (Hoshi doesn’t catch the entirety of what Anzu mumbles at that, but they _do_ manage to hear her say “too many times”). A rock to the left arm for Ryuji. “Just a few scratches and bruises” for Anzu (“Some patients can be quite uncooperative when panicked.” Hoshi doesn’t miss the pointed look the healer sends to the prince. Neither does he. “I wasn’t panicking. I just didn’t know where I was, and your answer of “the ocean” wasn’t very helpful, Anzu”). A foot on the verge of frostbite for Mikazuki.

“How about you, Hoshi?” the waterbender asks.

“Uhhh…”

“You have that scar on your wrist,” General Iroh helps out. Hoshi looks down at their wrists. A faint scar loops around the circumference of the right one. _When did that get there?_

“Oh, right. This. Uhm-” They run through the maze of their mind, searching for some sort of memory, but all that comes up is fog. _(A faint flicker of recognition. Hoshi remembers candlelight.)_

Chai Son is all smiles when he interjects. “I once got scratched by a platypus bear!” He is lying on his stomach with his feet kicked up and head resting on his hands.

Hoshi takes the change of conversation in stride. “And why were you so close to a platypus bear?”

“It looked like it really needed a hug,” the boy pouts. “I saw a circus passing through and they kept all their animals in cages! I just _had_ to let it go.” _Classic,_ Hoshi thinks. 

The next person is the princess. “I don’t get injured,” she sniffs.

“How about you, Prince Zuko?” Chai Son asks from beside Hoshi.

The boy stares at the deckhand for a moment, eyebrow raised before furrowing again. “Look me in the eye and ask me that again,” he says roughly. _That’s not good._

Chai Son looks up at the prince’s face, his feet kicking back and forth. “What’s the worst injury you’ve ever gotten?” he repeats with a curious smile. _Agni, it was nice knowing him,_ Hoshi thinks.

After staring at the crew member for another moment, Prince Zuko silently unties his robe - _is his face not the worst one?!,_ the cook thinks in alarm - and slips his left arm out of the sleeve. Hoshi hears Mikazuki gasp next to them. Everyone else is silent. The scar is… _fuck._ It’s _huge_. The side of the prince’s torso that isn’t marred and inflamed is spotted with various smaller, fainter marks that are more like Jee and Gan’s scars. _Agni. What the fuck._

The Fire Prince stares into the orange flames in front of him instead of at his target audience. Shadows dance across his blank face. His raspy voice is devoid of emotion when he speaks. “It’s a burn.” _Firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily._ “I was cowardly. It’s my fault.”

A blue flame suddenly blooms to the side, illuminating the princess’s cold smile and wild eyes. “Would you like to find out how it felt, Chai Son?”

General Iroh quickly claps his hands together with a smile thrown on his face. “Whose turn is it next?” The prince shuffles his robe back on. Hoshi pats Chai Son’s shoulder to ensure that he’s ok. When their friend turns to them, he looks more confused - _how could this happen? who let this happen?_ \- than threatened. The cook shrugs and pats his shoulder again. They steal a glance at Mikazuki, who is glaring daggers at the princess.

“Yong-Yut’s turn,” Gan says.

The woman in question lets all eyes land on her - _no, not her. Her scars_ \- before smiling wide. The fire glints off of her empty orange-brown eyes as she sticks out her tongue. When out, it barely passes her bottom lip, and its end goes straight across instead of being rounded. _Holy shit someone chop-_

“We’re stopping with the personal questions right now,” Taka says sternly. “Let’s move on.”

“Scary stories!” the princess exclaims. _Ah yes,_ Hoshi thinks, _that’s exactly what we need right now._

\----- 

“There once was a renowned firebender,” Ryuji begins.

“Oh great here we go,” Jee grumbles. Meanwhile, the royal siblings both look immediately _captivated._ As Ryuji continues his story, the three kids quickly become interested as well.

“He and his wife ran an elite firebending academy on a small remote island, and were known for their innovative abilities.” As he speaks, the engineer shapes the flames before him into images that match his story. Princess Azula claps her hands in excitement; beside her, her brother’s eye is wide in awe. Ryuji smiles in satisfaction. This is what he does. This is what he _is._ He is made of stories.

“The man thought he had it all: a loving wife, an interesting job, and the children that he trained and looked after. He devoted himself to his work because of the joy it brought him. But eventually, his wife grew worried and told her husband that he needed to take a break.”

“When he arrived home on the island, catastrophe had struck.” The flames form a building before growing brighter, then receding back into the shape of a normal campfire. Ryuji hears someone gasp. “No one knows what happened, but the firebender returned to a burnt down academy. The occupants had been dead for days, with maggots festering in their flesh.

“Some say the firebender went mad from the grisly sight. Others say he simply gave up on life. Some go so far as to claim that he was running from the vengeful families of his students. Either way, he ended up abandoning civilization to live in a cave on the far side of the island. The villagers believed that he wouldn’t be able to survive without Agni’s presence.”

The fire becomes a hollow cave. Human flames walk past its mouth. “For years, many people reported hearing someone, some _thing_ in that cave. It had been so long that the firebender’s legacy had already begun to live on as a story told to the island’s children - a tale of complacency, a warning about cowardice.

“One day, local teenagers who had grown up with the story grew curious and decided to investigate the sounds that emanated from the cave. They packed supplies for the trip; those who weren’t firebenders carried weapons on them. The group forwent bending and lanterns, instead using the bioluminescent foxfire that grew in the cave to light their way. Despite all of this, they were not prepared for what they would find.”

Looking up, Ryuji sees the princess looking absolutely _ecstatic._ The prince is leaning toward the man with his right ear facing his direction. The three kids are all huddled close. The navigator clutches Yong-Yut, who is _bright_ red.

“The firebender seemed to have undergone de-evolution. He was reborn in the dark, molded by it. His skin was pale to the point of near translucency, allowing the group to see his seemingly glowing veins. The man’s - if he could still even be called that - dark auburn hair had grown long and matted, trailing after him like a tail as he moved about on all fours.

“It was a miracle he had survived at all; the firebender seemed to get his energy from the glowing fungi that surrounded him. But in the near-darkness, sight was not a necessity. The group of teenagers would not get too close out of fear, but the survivors would later recount that it looked as if his eyelids were cauterized shut.

“And when the creature raised a clawed palm, foxfire bloomed in his green flame.”

\----- 

“There’s no way I’m living up to the standards Ryuji just set,” Anzu says. “But I _do_ have a story.”

“We would love to hear it, Anzu,” Iroh smiles. “You have always had such a way with words.” She rolls her eyes at that before beginning to recount the tale.

“Airbenders always trained outside or in wide open rooms. You all saw that in the temple.” There are nods from around the circle. “Well, there’s a good reason for that.

“An Air Nomad was once meeting with friends in the Earth Kingdom to catch up. They were all gathered similar to how we are right now, but in an airtight, enclosed room created by earthbenders. The nomad showed her friends many airbending tricks, not realizing that every time she bent, the air pressure in the room increased,” Anzu explains matter-of-factly.

“She bent many times throughout the night, so much so that when she opened the door at the end of the evening, there was an act of explosive decompression.” Anzu expects that to cause a large reaction, but all she gets is a gasp from Taka. _She’s the only motherfucker here who can handle me._ The medic sighs at the rest of her audience’s lack of understanding.

“Because the earthbent room was a sealed system, opening the door allowed air from inside to rush out. The pressure in the room dropped so greatly - and so rapidly - that air inside the people’s lungs was not able to leave their bodies safely. Everyone’s blood boiled immediately. As she was the closest one to it, the airbender’s body was instantly shot through the partially open door. She was bisected at the abdomen, and her internal organs were propelled a great distance out of her thoracic cavity.”

Anzu only receives horrified stares, with the exception of Azula, who looks like she just died of happiness and went to the Spirit World. _Eh, I_ did _warn them._

\----- 

“I have a story,” Yong-Yut signs to Taka, who then tells this to the group.

“But technically she can’t _tell_ the story,” Mikazuki whines.

“Then maybe you should learn how to communicate with your fellow crewmates,” Zuko snaps.

“You do have a good point,” the general says to the girl, before turning to Taka ( _not_ Yong-Yut. The shorter woman glowers at the man). “How will she tell the story?”

“She’s literally right here!” the prince fumes. “If you are talking to someone, you _address them!_ ” Noticing how the campfire has grown at his outburst, the boy takes a calming breath before continuing. _I’ve taught him well._ “Just because someone is unable to speak does _not_ mean they deserve to be ignored,” he grits out. Zuko turns to Yong-Yut. “I apologize for Uncle’s lack of consideration,” he signs.

“It’s not your fault,” she replies. “Are you willing to translate? It isn’t very long,” Yong-Yut then asks Taka, who agrees immediately.

“Long before the war, before the North Pole had become so isolated,” Yong-Yut pauses briefly so Taka can speak, “A group of waterbenders was exploring a series of underwater caves near Full Moon Bay in the Earth Kingdom.

“One younger tribesperson became too curious and split off from the group. They found what seemed to be a large undiscovered cave with a soft, spongy floor. Just as the rest of the group caught up outside the cave, the bender entered alone despite the warnings. Immediately, the mouth of the cave snapped shut.

“The others used their bending to try to save them. The benders could hear their friend cry for help as they resorted to using their hands to try to pry the entryway open. There was a clear division where the entrance had once been, and the group could feel ridges underneath their hands. They tried to force their way in, to no avail.

“Running out of air, the group was forced to leave the bender screaming inside.” Here, Yong-Yut let silence fill the space for a moment.

“When the explorers returned to the spot, the shell of the "cave" was once again open. And inside was a large, perfectly shiny pearl.”

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do not worry gang this is part 1 of 2, yes, TWO story night chapters. i have five more campfire stories planned out that i just need to put into some prettier language and slap some dialogue tags onto. it will take place directly after this chapter
> 
> if you cant tell im fucking terrified of caves. and mountains to a lesser extent. weird fear i know. i just Hate the idea of being in an area as remote as a _cave_ w/ no outside help available and getting stuck and even if someone hears & tries to help they cant get out and they just have to _leave them there_ i hate it i hate it i hate it
> 
> the description of the firebender in ryuji's story is partially based off of a texas blind salamander. the effects that anzu describes are ripped straight from the wikipedia page for the byford dolphin incident lmao
> 
> i am also going to post these individual campfire stories in a new fic in my body horror series :D
> 
> as always, i am going to make out with anyone who comments or leaves kudos b/c i love to hear what you guys think mwah mwah
> 
> \- ez <3


	12. set my body free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Though the fear keeps me moving_   
>  _Still my heart beats so slow_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> story night pt two (2)
> 
> mini playlist:  
> my body is a cage by arcade fire
> 
> maurice's bed time stories by small leaks sink ships  
> when he died by lemon demon  
> ice cold. by half•alive  
> badlands by the growlers  
> i am a rock by simon & garfunkel

Back at the palace, Mother would sometimes read theater scrolls to Azula and her brother before bed. They were entertaining, and the two would often reenact the best action scenes together. But the stories often lacked a sense of… _maturity_. Most of the descriptions were focused on the styles of clothing or how _dazzling_ a character’s eyes were or how _deeply_ the lovers kissed. _Bleh. No thank you._

One time, the siblings were acting out the final battle from _Love Amongst the Dragons_. Mother scolded Azula for suggesting that Zuko should use long red ribbons to represent blood when she - as the Dragon Emperor - slays the Dark Water Spirit. She still doesn’t understand _why_ \- Mother _loved_ the Ember Island Players’ effects. But needless to say, Azula is now having the time of her _life_.

“Now I’m no storyteller, so don’t go gettin’ your hopes up,” Gan says while sitting up.

“No one said they were,” the lieutenant comments. Azula rolls her eyes. _Killjoy,_ she thinks. She’s a realist as well, but she can’t deny that _everyone_ deserves a little entertainment every once in a while. _And besides, there are only so many times I can ambush Zuko when he least expects it before it gets old._

The hawker ignores Jee’s interjection. “There once was a great firebender of noble birth. He was powerful but too sure of himself. He accepted any sparring challenges that came his way, certain that he could take anyone, and he did so in front of an audience. It was during one of these challenges that he met his end.” _That_ piques Azula’s interest.

“The man wasn’t satisfied that he was _just_ facing off against an earthbender who was claimed to be a prodigy. He gloated that he could beat her with his hands tied behind his back. Unbeknownst to the woman, he had a trick up his sleeve: he could breathe flames like a _dragon._ ” Azula’s eyes grow wide - she has never heard of such a thing.

“It was a surprisingly fair fight. The earthbender learned quickly that trapping the man’s feet was ineffective, as he would blast fire from his mouth. She became increasingly frustrated as he used the match as an excuse to show off. Wanting to end the fight sooner rather than later, she bent stone around his head to pin him to the arena floor. The firebender writhed on the ground, but refused to surrender no matter how many times the woman told him to. Eventually, his body grew still.

“Fearing she suffocated him, the earthbender removed the rock that covered his head. It was evident from his burns that he had used his breath of fire.”

“I can breathe fire!” Zuko interjects seemingly suddenly. Azula has seen him straining to hear Gan - who is toward his left - throughout the tale. _Clearly,_ this is the first time that he’s picked up on this detail of the story. The girl admits that she is _mildly_ impressed when a golden flame dances upon her brother’s breath. _When did he learn how to do that?_

“Is this what happened to your face?” the hawker quips back casually.

Zuko’s face immediately darkens as he turns away once again. “I don’t like this story anymore,” he mumbles, arms crossed. Azula rolls her eyes. _So dramatic._

Gan continues his story. “As I was _saying,_ the man must have used his breath of fire to try to break the stone, but instead it reflected back into his face. Firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily, but when they tried to move his body out of the arena, what was left of the melted skin on his face slid right off.”

At that, Azula feels her brother shift uncomfortably next to her. Doesn’t matter. _She_ likes the story. It is not entirely realistic - _if he truly_ was _such an amazing firebender, he would have found a way to escape. That’s what I would have done_ \- but still original.

\----- 

“Once, a firebender was traveling with friends in Eternal Flame Cave-” Ryuji begins.

“Why do so many of these stories involve caves?” Chai Son interrupts.

“Because they provide a multitude of terrifying storytelling opportunities,” the engineer snaps. 

“Ok ok no need to get defensive,” the boy tries to placate.

Chai Son settles back in, leaning against Hoshi. Ryuji gives him one last glare before continuing his story once again. “Parts of the cave are situated above a reservoir of natural gas that was accidentally set alight by a bender many years ago, and continues to burn to this day, hence its name. The system has many different tunnels and chambers branching off of the main cavern, so the group decided to split up.

“While exploring, the firebender stuck her torso into a hole” - _Agni, that’s a funny word_ \- “to investigate what was inside, but only found a dark cavern. She tried to fit her arm through the hole” - Chai Son can’t help but snicker at that - “in order to light the way, but found that she was stuck.

“She struggled to escape, even tried to blast through the rock, but it was all to no avail. The woman paused in her attempts so as to avoid draining her strength. When she did, she could hear something moving inside the darkness.” At that, Chai Son grows serious and grabs Hoshi - who in turn is holding onto Mikazuki - in fright.

“The firebender struggled anew, growing more and more desperate with each passing minute. She called out for her friends. The echoes of her unanswered screams - along with the skittering that seemed to be growing closer - taunted her. Fire erupted from her feet in order to catch the attention of anyone nearby. One of her friends _did_ notice from afar, but wrote it off as the cave’s eternal flame slipping through cracks in the ground. The woman soon grew tired from her efforts, succumbing to the darkness that enveloped her top section.

“Later, when the group finally found her, they pulled her out by the legs while shouting encouragement to missing ears. When she had been freed, the friends stared at the bite marks gracing the bender’s shoulders that led up to nothing but the open stump of her neck.”

\----- 

Mikazuki escapes Hoshi’s clutches to hold up her hand. “I have a story,” she offers timidly. The girl balks a little when the group turns in her direction. 

“My grandmother told me this true story early on in my training. I was originally taught only about firebending fighting styles, so I had learned to power through when I encounter a challenge. Or to just destroy whatever was causing the problem.” Mikazuki huffs out a nervous laugh. “I was incorrect, of course. My aanaa told this to teach me about how waterbenders are supposed to adapt and use others’ energy against them and redirect it.”

She steals a glance at her friends. Hoshi nods to her, while Chai Son gives her a thumbs up. Mikazuki takes a deep breath before truly beginning. “There once was a Southern waterbender named Ujarak. He was ruthless in a fight and very stubborn, and had settled many disputes by simply freezing his adversary.”

Mikazuki grows more confident as the words flow freely off her tongue in a steady rhythm _(a heartbeat)._ “One day in Amiraijaut - the season when velvet falls off caribou-oxen's antlers - Ujarak was told not to travel, being warned that an early snowstorm was expected. But of course, he didn’t listen.” _(One two. One two. One two.)_

“After the storm had passed, other villagers went out to look for him. It wasn’t usually expected for anyone to survive a blizzard, but the searchers joked that if anything, Ujarak had probably made the storm bend to _his_ will, not the other way around. And they were right in one aspect: the man did survive the blizzard. At least, _initially_.

“The search party looked high and low for him among the snowdrifts. They were close to giving up when someone spotted a lone caribou-ox that had strayed from its herd. From a distance, it looked like it was shedding, with long, stringy velvet hanging off of its red antlers. 

“When the group approached, they found that the animal’s legs were frozen to the ground. If it weren’t for the ice, the caribou-ox wouldn’t have been standing - its stomach was impaled by a large icicle. As the wind howled around the group, it was clear to them that the animal had fallen victim to a bender.

“They never did find Ujarak’s body. But if the villagers had looked closer, they would have noticed that the caribou-ox had already shed its velvet.” Here, Mikazuki pauses for a moment to consider whether or not she should give such a graphic description in front of the children, before continuing. “Ujarak must have encountered the animal, who probably thought he was a competing male during the mating season. The waterbender was never one to go down without a fight.

“If only the villagers had looked up at the caribou-ox’s bloodstained antlers. Then they would have noticed the torn skin and shredded intestines hanging off of them like a halo around the dead animal’s head.”

\----- 

“Do you have any stories?” the princess asks Taka, to which the woman shakes her head. The navigator rolls her eyes at Azula’s dramatic huff. 

Either Jee has finally thought of one, or he’s had enough of the girl’s pestering, because soon enough he grumbles, “I have one.” _This ought to be good,_ Taka thinks. “But I’m making it fast.” 

“Not many know the story of Avatar Kun, and not just because they were the Earth Avatar from multiple cycles ago. Though most Avatars are told of their abilities once they have turned sixteen, Kun’s spiritual identity was not revealed to the world until they were well into their twenties.” Taka is surprised - _she’s_ supposed to be the resident Avatar researcher, and yet she had never heard of Kun until now.

“You see, they were a member of the Hami Tribe; the Si Wong Desert is a vast area that is impossible to cross. And with only hot sand around, it was unlikely for Kun to ever need to bend any other elements. Even so, sandbending is very similar to waterbending, so if they ever _did_ waterbend, no one would be able to tell.

“Their identity as the Avatar was revealed while trading with the beetle-headed merchants. The story goes that when the business deal didn’t go in Kun’s favor, they had intended to bend the sand around the merchants. But somehow, they ended up ripping the water out of a merchant’s body.

“Kun was immediately taken by the merchants to the nearest town. They were then sent to Ba Sing Se, where they were greeted by the Earth Queen and forced into training. Being forced from their home and sent all over the world to learn bending types they had never even _seen_ before was a great shock to Kun. It’s been said that they went mad with the pressure of being the Avatar. Unwilling to accept their responsibility, Kun fled.

“Who witnessed their final acts is disputed. Some say their tribe; others, the beetle-headed merchants who had stolen them in the first place. No matter who it was, it must have been a grisly sight to see.

“In a fit of insanity, Kun bent the surrounding sand to cover them from shoulder to toe, then heated their skin. In the first ever case of glassbending, the Avatar then had the melted sand cover their head. The glass slowly hardened as they suffocated to death, stained red by their blood.

“Legend has it that their bodily statue can still be found somewhere in the Si Wong Desert, buried in sand.”

\----- 

Ryuji is Zuko’s favorite storyteller, he has decided. Gan is his least favorite, and not just because the boy couldn’t hear half of it. The prince pushes down the hurt that bubbles to the surface when he remembers the hawker’s joke about his scar. _The crew's opinions should be of no importance. Pathetic. Childish. Weak._

“A rich and noble earthbender once lost her eye on the battlefield,” Ryuji begins. Zuko turns his right ear toward him to hear better. “She was given a fake one with an iris made out of green crystal to compensate, but she wasn’t allowed back into the army because of her partial blindness.” _Thank Agni the Fire Nation allows anyone to fight. If I was from the Earth Kingdom, I wouldn’t be in command right now,_ Zuko thinks.

_(Weak. Pathetic. Coward. Pitiful. Cripple. Broken.)_

“The woman loved how the jade eye looked and was showered in compliments for it. She quickly became vain. When the eye lost its dazzling effect on others, she ripped out her fingernails and replaced them with crystals.” _Should I be worried about how happy Azula looks because of this?,_ the prince thinks.

“That wasn’t enough for the noblewoman; she wanted to look like a living gem. She began to spend hours at a time bathing in water that had tiny minerals and crystals in it. The effect was to make her skin shiny and glittering. Over time, the different minerals filled her pores, giving her an opalescent sheen. 

“Eventually, when the earthbender looked in the mirror, she would see jewels embedded in her cheeks, in her shoulders, in her hips. Only her real eye remained unaffected - that she had to keep in order to observe her own beauty. Showered in affection, she became further obsessed and increased the amount of time spent bathing in the crystals. With this, she gradually had more and more trouble moving.

“One day, the woman had a servant prepare another crystal bath in preparation for a royal function. The maid helped her into the tub before leaving her to soak. Later, she knocked on the door, asking for permission to enter so that she could ready her for the party.

“When the servant girl entered the bathroom, she found the noble earthbender’s completely petrified jeweled body lying stiff in the bath. She held a hand out in front of the woman’s mouth to check for the heat of a breath as the bathwater continued to steam around the body.

“During the autopsy, they had to use a chisel to crack her crystalline body open. When they did, they found her heart still slowly beating.”

_One two. One two. One two._

Zuko’s heart beats in terror.

_One two. One two. One two._

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whip nae nae amirite
> 
> im a simple person. i write a scene involving hubris, someone’s bending failing/turning against them, and a body reveal and call it a well-written campfire story lmao
> 
> this is short i know i know i’m sorry. i made the mistake of putting soul punk by patrick stump on and i just got lost in that
> 
> i _Need_ opinions so Please COMMENT your thoughts: ik for a Fact that the south pole is gonna be one of the kage’s pit stops eventually. how it plays out is up in the air tho. i have 2 different ideas, i wanna know which one you guys prefer bc im stuck:  
> a) no vocal interactions btwn the southern tribe & the kage (even if they See each other)  
> b) a whole lotta interaction btwn the two. this has a Lot of potential and would probably take 2+ chapters (no promises tho lmao), but im on the fence abt it b/c it simply would _not_ be in character for hakoda to see the prince of the fire nation and be like aight guess i gotta hear him out
> 
> this is the last chapter that i had multiple notes down for before writing, so next chapter may take longer than usual. i have a ton of different ideas, i just need to find ways to expand upon them BUT if you have anything feel free to tell me
> 
> comments and kudos are SUPER appreciated and so very sexy
> 
> \- ez <3


	13. no time to think of consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You were a child crawling on your knees toward it_   
>  _Making mama so proud but your voice is too loud […]_   
>  _Control yourself, take only what you need from it_   
>  _A family of trees wanted to be haunted_   
>  _The water is warm but it's sending me shivers […]_   
>  _The memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror […]_   
>  _But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big chapter And big notes wheeeeeeee
> 
> AY YO BETA READING CHECK go check out my friends’ fics that i’m beta reading!! gray’s fic [Oh! My Giant Blue Mask!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27664082/chapters/67695272) is a hilarious atla megamind au, and [i wanna be what my body wants me to be](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29179071/chapters/71637798) by frankie is a great legend of zelda fic! i also betaed gray's fic [Letter to Iroh](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28627125), which is based off of a conversation we had, which i then used as inspo for lu ten's death in chap 2 - so yeah it's def tied a bit to this story! + yong-yut & frankie's link are actually quite similar so if you like my girl then youll like him  
> please go check them out, they’re both fantastic writers & have put up w/ me ranting abt this fic & even have provided some ideas of their own ❤️
> 
> if you don’t know what a word means while reading, take a look at the end notes!!  
> i translate non-english words that i use and define medical terms (sure you can use google but trust me, you do _not_ want to be subjected to photos of maggot debridement of an ulcer or surgical removal of necrotic tissue. thanks a lot wikipedia)
> 
> mini playlist (long one for a longer chapter! a lotta beach songs :)) :  
> kids by mgmt
> 
> inchman by jack stauber’s micropop  
> don’t go by the greeting committee  
> island in the sun by weezer  
> king of the beach by wavves  
> heart it races by architecture in helsinki (the cover by dr. dog is also fantastic! but this has beach vibes)  
> wipe out by the surfaris  
> surf punk by jason frankel (one of my best friends' song it's so fucking good & im Not just saying that bc hes my friend it's genuinely Great go support him)
> 
> enjoy!!!

“I am not wearing my pressure garments on the beach.”

“Yes you are.”

“No I am _not._ ”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“This is stupid!”

“As a medical professional, everything I do and say is in fact the wisest course of action. You are going to wear the garments.”

“But what if I want to swim?”

“I have waterproof variations.”

“I’m fine without them!”

“It is a waste of your time to be embarrassed about being seen with the pressure garments on. It is an uninhabited island, no one is going to see you but us.”

“I am _not_ embarrassed. The crew’s opinions are of no importance to me.”

“Prince Zuko put the damn glove back on.”

“You can’t make me!”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Argh! I am not wearing the garments and that is _final_!”

“Spoiled brat,” the lieutenant mutters while passing by.

\----- 

Azula watches studiously as Taka grinds a small log of wood into a stone block. The girl has worn thanaka before, though only when sneaking out of the Academy - it is improper for daughters of nobility to wear commoners’ makeup - with Mai and Ty Lee.

 _I wonder what they’re doing right now._ Azula hasn’t heard from either of her friends since her birthday, even though she had sent a response to Ty Lee’s letter later that same day. It’s been _weeks_ now. (The pink ribbon in Azula’s hair tends to unravel toward the end of the day, but she still uses it anyway.)

“That should be enough.” The princess focuses again on the task at hand. Taka swipes a finger along the stone block to gather as much of the light tan paste as possible. Azula moves her head back a fraction of an inch when the woman brings her hand up close. _(“You don’t want to end up like your brother, do you Azula?” “No, Father.” “Then do not act so cowardly. I expected better of you”)._ She nods, and Taka begins.

It’s not often, but Zuko is the only person she lets touch her. Azula is on her way to becoming the most powerful bender in the world - _besides Father, of course_ \- but sometimes it can feel… _comforting_ … for Zuko to… be there for her? _No, that’s not it._

It feels nice that… _oh, what’s the word?_

Sometimes Azula thinks… _I should’ve gotten this right the first time. I need to be better._

It’s good when… Azula can feel that Zuko’s here… with her… and not… _not_ with her _(behind a closed door, drowning in Mother’s teary eyes, burning in an arena, wrapped in sterile, untouchable bandages, in a golden urn etched in sakura because he got himself killed like Mother, like a fool (“like he deserves,” Father’s voice hisses))._

_(mono no aware_

_phrase._

_the pathos of things; an awareness of impermanence and transience.)_

(If she had her own dictionary and hadn’t had to borrow a copy from the woman who is currently painting her face, Azula would add her own definition in the margins: _“knowing everything will be gone too soon - everyone will be taken from you - and all you can do is watch.”_ )

The girl doesn’t close her eyes - that would denote trust, and trust indicates safety, and safety means not being touched, _that’s for Zuko, we made a deal, Father promised_ -

Azula doesn’t close her eyes, but she does allow her calm facade to gradually become reality as Taka gently traces down the bridge of her nose with a manicured finger.

 _(I saved Zuko, but in doing so I lost Father. An eye for an eye.)_

The princess is loath to admit that she inherited Mother’s nose, while Zuko was lucky - _for once_ \- to receive Father’s wider one. _Zuko didn’t get Father’s brow bone like I did, though,_ the girl thinks smugly. Both siblings have Mother’s ovate face shape, though they are still growing; Azula is hopeful that her bone structure will become more defined like Father’s. She is sick of being reminded of royal portraits of Mother when looking in the mirror.

While the navigator then applies her own, the princess looks at her reflection. The paste dries quickly on her naturally warmer skin. The thanaka is not as noticeable due to the lack of high contrast against her complexion, but looking closely reveals carefully painted leaves resting on her pale cheeks. Taka gives herself matching ones that accentuate her natural beauty. _(“You don’t look like Mother.”)_

When Azula steps out on deck, her brother doesn’t have a shirt on and is yelling obscenities at Anzu while a piece of cloth burns on the ground between them. _What else did I expect?_

\----- 

“Last one to the treeline gets a free egg!” Chai Son calls. He bypasses Gan, who is leading the komodo rhinos off of the ship to roam, and dashes down the beach.

“That’s not how it works!” Hoshi yells, scrambling to pull their boots off while Mikazuki jumps off the _Kage_ and runs across the water.

Sand isn’t exactly Chai Son’s _thing_ , but he’ll take what he can get, just as long as he’s on land. Despite the run, his breathing eases up as his feet kick up the grains. It feels like sunlight blooms in his chest. _This is gonna be fun._

\----- 

Every new piece of information Yong-Yut learns about the royal siblings astounds her. 

She has had some difficult missions in the past: either she had trouble getting anything out of people, she got attached, or what she learned was so baffling - so _wrong_ \- that it would throw her off her game. But she always ended up getting exactly what she needed. She has to admit that despite all the obstacles, she was _damn good_ at her job.

Yong-Yut is different now _(a blank slate)_. She was too recognizable to be sent out again, too unwilling to talk to be kept around, too knowledgeable to be allowed to roam about as a citizen. And there’s the kicker. A woman who has spent the majority of her life blending in wherever she goes - new name, new hairstyle, new backstory, new motive - only to end up an outcast on a ship with no destination. 

The point _is,_ Yong-Yut has had to force things out of people, for better or worse. But now she’s no longer an agent, and yet she’s being told information freely - not for better or worse, but for… _nothing._ The prince and princess - the former more so than the latter - will imply macabre things about themselves, their family, the palace, in such a casual manner that you’d think it meant nothing to them. _Nothing. Nothing. Nothing._

Case in point:

Zuko stands now at the shore, observing as the crew finishes bringing anything that may be needed for their day of relaxation out of the ship. His torso is bare, just like most of the men present; everyone is dressed appropriately for a day at the beach (or “fun in the sun”, as the general called it. Sometimes Yong-Yut wonders what is going on in his brain).

The prince seems to be unfazed by the amount of stares he is getting. His scar is more gruesome in the light of day; Agni’s rays highlight every bubble of flesh that never popped, every small eschar that has yet to fall off and heal naturally, every piece of melted tissue that wasn’t deserved. It’s probably just a trick of the light, but for a split second Yong-Yut thinks she sees the outline of a hand over the boy’s left eye.

In fact, Zuko seemed to be more bothered from his shouting match with the medic than the staring. (“I know I’m a healer, but…” Anzu said, unsheathing a knife. “Even while bedridden and blind, I kicked your ass, and I can do it again,” the prince scoffed. General Iroh shut that one down fast.) Well, no. _Everything_ seems to bother him, actually. This just doesn’t seem to add to his usual distress.

When Yong-Yut stands next to the boy, he asks, “What in Agni’s name are my sister and Taka wearing on their faces?” As if _that’s_ the most pressing issue right now, not the fact that _we’re currently docked at a neutral, empty island with dwindling supplies because not only are we looking for a long-dead legend while banned from most ports, but_ someone _just_ had _to set the kitchen and almost all of its contents on fire. Oh also did I mention that you’re a thirteen year old who a) is in charge of an entire ship and b) has a fresh burn so massive that you spent the first few days on said ship comatose?_

Yong-Yut doesn’t tell the prince any of this, of course. “Thanaka. It’s a type of cosmetic. It also protects the skin from sunburn,” is all she replies. “It is harmless,” she quickly adds when she sees him scowl in Princess Azula’s direction.

Zuko hums, his expression easing ever so slightly. “They are both firebenders, but I suppose it is reasonable. Sunburns are not pleasant.”

“When have you ever gotten one?” When Zuko begins to reply, Yong-Yut stops him, then makes him restart while signing also. “You need the practice.”

The prince shrugs. “I gave myself a few sunburns the first few times I attempted to…” Zuko pauses here, clearly trying to think of how to communicate properly. “To shadowbend,” he says aloud. Yong-Yut smiles. He’s a fast learner, yes. Shadowbending isn’t even technically a thing, yes. He’s trying hard, yes. But Zuko’s interpretation is still… amusing.

He points his hands at each other, with his right one hovering above the left, then twirls his right hand in a clockwise motion while spinning the other in the opposite direction. “To turn around.” _That’s… kind of… no, that’s nowhere near “bend”._

Zuko then holds his left hand with his index finger pointed upward in front of the right hand, which is in the same position, before pulsing both hands forward twice. _Much closer this time,_ Yong-Yut thinks. Zuko _did_ just sign “shadow”, but the verb form; together, he signed “to turn around, to follow”. _Eh, you win some, you lose some._

Yong-Yut doesn’t correct him, instead allowing the boy to finish speaking. “I had been hurt worse, but the sunburns were surprising. They came at bad times, when I was trying to hide.”

“I wear this” - the woman touches her headscarf - “so I don’t get a sunburn on my scalp,” is her only response. Internally, her mind is racing with questions. _Is that even possible, to give yourself a sunburn? Why were you willing to risk hurting yourself if you knew what was going to happen when you tried? How had you been hurt worse, even before receiving that scar? What - no,_ who _\- were you hiding from?_

\----- 

“Care for a sparring match?” Azula asks, turning toward her brother. _Of course that’s the first thing they want to do on their day off,_ Iroh thinks.

Zuko smirks. “You’re on.”

The siblings clear a section of the beach to be their designated sparring area. It’s not optimal _at all_ : pits and small dunes create an uneven surface, emphasized by the slight slope down to the water; the sand provides very little purchase; other than the small rocks, shells, and occasional twigs that have to be avoided when traversing the beach, the area is very open, with nowhere to hide or play off of; the lapping waves not only make the lower end of the shore slippery, but also create a considerable amount of noise.

It’s clear that this playing field is advantageous to Azula, who has a preference toward direct attacks. Iroh will be very surprised if Zuko comes out victorious; when his bad hearing, difficulty with balance, poor vision, and tendency to try to find cover are taken into account, it seems as if he doesn’t stand a chance.

Iroh sits on a towel out of the possible line of fire next to Anzu in order to watch. “No biting or scratching is allowed,” he reminds the children.

“Don’t do anything that could send either of you to the infirmary,” Anzu adds.

Iroh nods in agreement. “You win the round once your opponent taps out. Speaking of that, do not be afraid to admit your defeat. It is still honorable to do so after putting up a good fight, and it is best to avoid injuring yourself,” he continues.

“And Prince Zuko?” The boy looks up from scratching at his left arm. Anzu slaps his hand away while muttering about how, “if you wore your pressure garments, then it wouldn’t itch so much”. “For the sake of fairness, no shadowbending.” Zuko grumbles, but agrees to the conditions anyway.

At that, the siblings get into position on opposite sides of the area. When Iroh calls go, the match commences. His niece is precise; her movements are practiced, smooth. Zuko, meanwhile, is slower than he used to be; his muscles are still stiff on his left side, and eventually his breathing comes out as wheezes. The princess uses her brother’s disabilities to her advantage, focusing on attacking his left. _It’s a smart move, but I still feel sympathy for my nephew. There aren’t any rules against it, though, so I won’t intervene,_ Iroh thinks.

Soon enough, Zuko is knocked onto the ground. His sister looms over him with azure fire dancing between her fingertips. A flicker of fear flashes across the boy’s face as he sneaks a glance at Iroh. _Odd,_ the man thinks as he takes a sip of tea from a thermos that Hoshi has brought out. Despite whatever is going through Zuko’s mind, he eventually comes to a decision and grudgingly taps the ground in defeat.

After that, every round follows the same general format. Zuko begins by attacking Azula head-on, while she lets him tire himself out. Then, she switches to offensive maneuvers, causing him to use defense, until ultimately he is on the ground and forced to tap out.

Despite the unsurprising outcomes, Iroh still continues to watch; it’s fascinating to see Azula completely in her element. The crew must think so too, as most of them are also sitting or standing nearby to watch.

After a few rounds, Anzu forces the siblings to take a break. “Watching you two is making _me_ tired,” she says, but Iroh knows that she is concerned over the sound that Zuko’s breathing is making, as if every exhale rattles his ribcage like prison bars.

The children sit near the older pair. Iroh offers tea and compliments to them both. “You are both doing very well. You put up a challenging fight Zuko, and your determination is admirable. And Azula, you have intelligent strategies; well done using your opponent’s weaknesses against him.”

That seems to give Iroh’s nephew an idea. “Uncle, could you repeat the rules again?”

“Why of course. No biting, scratching, or shadowbending. Generally, nothing that could cause grievous injuries. One of you must admit defeat for the round to end.”

“And that is all?”

“Yes. Anything else goes.” Zuko seems to mull this over as he continues to catch his breath and hydrate. Eventually, he stands up, and his sister follows.

“Ready to lose again, Zuzu?” Azula mocks. The prince doesn’t answer, focusing on positioning himself instead. Iroh calls go, and the round starts.

It begins as typical, with Zuko trying to overpower Azula. It seems more meaningful this time, though; more restrained, more energy conserved. Iroh realizes that the boy is driving her toward the side of the area where the audience sits. While doing so, Zuko subtly shifts the sand with his feet, covering up stones. It isn’t precise at all - that’s understandable, given the circumstances, but still confusing. _Why try to hide the stones at all if they are still partially visible?_ The man suppresses the need to sigh. _Oh no, he probably thinks they’re completely covered and just can’t see them._

Eventually, Zuko has led Azula so that her back is to the audience, while his is to the waves. The girl doesn’t seem to have noticed the difference from the past rounds. The siblings continue their usual format - now is the part where Azula forces her brother to become defensive.

He _does_ switch to defense, that is true. But again, it feels… _different._ It no longer feels forced, instead as if this is what Zuko had planned. He usually uses a combination of dodging and dispersal to avoid the blasts Azula sends toward him. Now, the prince mainly darts out of the way - only blocking the fire when he’s too slow to move - while still keeping to his respective side.

Azula’s intense flames hit the water, causing more and more steam to arise with every shot as she advances. Iroh smiles as he realizes his nephew’s objective. _If he can’t shadowbend, then he’ll find other ways. He adapts._

The condensation hangs heavy in the air, making visibility difficult. The princess’s blue fire fails to cut through the fog, instead reflecting back at her. She moves forward, then trips over seemingly nothing. _The stones,_ Iroh realizes in awe. It is a minor slip up, but just as the girl begins to regain her footing, Zuko lunges out, blasting fire at her feet. Already unsteady to begin with, Azula is unable to land gracefully like usual. She falls forward onto the ground. Zuko steps over her to block any chance of escape.

The entire beach is silent for a moment, the only sounds being the rolling waves and distant cawing of gulls. Iroh can’t see the fine details through the fog, but he imagines his niece is glaring intensely at her brother. Eventually, she huffs in annoyance before tapping the ground. “I yield.”

\----- 

A glint of blue in the sand catches Gan’s eye. He grabs it then holds it up for others to see. “I just found some sea glass.”

Lieutenant Jee looks at him, unimpressed. The man then bends down to scoop up some sand. When Jee straightens up, he maintains eye contact with Gan while melting the contents of his cupped palm. “I just _made_ some sea glass.”

“Do you seriously need to suck the fun out of _everything_?” Gan asks. He receives a shrug in response. The hawker goes to throw the glass into the ocean, but thinks better of it, opting to tuck it into a pocket of his trousers.

\----- 

Chai Son stands next to Mikazuki at the shoreline. After being caught not-so-subtly trying to copy her movements, the boy is now being taught waterbending forms. Mikazuki had laughed at first, thinking it ridiculous that a nonbender would want to learn. “Wouldn’t it be funny if you were, like, secretly a waterbender or something?” she joked. Chai Son had pretended to laugh along.

Mikazuki swirls the water around her, her katas forming a smooth dance. The deckhand tries his best to imitate her, but it all feels in vain. Standing next to his friend’s iridescent bending, Chai Son’s jerky, awkward movements feel all wrong. It’s not a new feeling for him.

It feels treasonous, almost - learning new ways to bend the element of his nation’s enemies. The guilt eats Chai Son up inside. How can he live like this? Secretive? Divided? Dishonest? His own existence is disloyal.

When he isn’t doing something with it, Ryuji’s left arm is always slightly bent, the result of being hit by a stone in battle. If he knew, if the others found out, if Taka told anyone… they would _despise_ Chai Son. _No one must know._

Hazel eyes with a hint of yellow. The color of betrayal.

Hazel eyes with a hint of green. The color of envy.

Oh, what Chai Son would do to not be an earthbender.

\----- 

“I bet I can make the best sandcastle here,” Ryuji declares. _Why is everything said between all of us always some sort of challenge?,_ Hoshi thinks. The engineer’s statement causes strong reactions from everyone present, aside from Gan.

Jee pushes his hands down - Hoshi thinks it’s funny to imagine he’s dribbling a ball - as a signal to hush everyone. “There’s only one way to settle this.”

“Agni Kai,” Taka says, pounding a fist into her palm and smiling.

The lieutenant looks at her in mild concern. “No… What I meant was a sandcastle building competition… Are you ok Taka?”

“I call pairing up with Zuko!” the princess says, grabbing her brother’s arm. With that, the group divides itself up naturally. Hoshi finds themself paired with Mikazuki. The remaining teams are the royal siblings, Anzu and General Iroh, Ryuji and Lieutenant Jee, and Yong-Yut and Taka. Chai Son is by himself after insisting that he can win alone. That leaves Gan as the judge.

\- 

“Beauty is pain. But you know what’s also pain? Having a disfiguring scar that covers almost half of your body.”

“Agni, give it a rest, Zuzu! All I said was that you look less disgusting now that you’ve finally washed your hair. Now shut up and hand me a bucket.”

\- 

Taka has never made a sandcastle before, and apparently, neither has Yong-Yut. They make a good team, though. While her partner runs to grab two buckets, Taka begins to think of a plan of attack. She experiments a little by trying to form shapes first with the dry sand on the main beach, then with the wet grains from where the waves break.

Once Yong-Yut is back, the navigator tells her their strategy. “We should use one bucket to hold water, and the other to shape the sand. Use a minimal amount of water to wet the sand before using the second bucket to create mounds. We’re going to have to use trial and- Mikazuki what are you doing?”

Taka and Yong-Yut look up from where they are sitting on the beach to see Mikazuki standing nearby, clearly listening in. “Oh, uh. Nothing!” the girl says, before turning on her heel and running down to where the cook is staring at the sand in confusion. “Hoshi! I just came up with a brilliant idea all on my own!” Mikazuki calls.

\- 

“Alright, this is just like Ember Island,” Azula says. “I’ll make a perfect recreation of the palace while you destroy the competition.”

“Tell me once you’re done so I can add decorations.”

“Have I ever failed to do so? You have your orders, now move out soldier!”

Zuko salutes and runs off to do what he does best: kick things, yell, and make the crew upset. He smiles.

\- 

“Are you _really_ that good at making sandcastles?” the lieutenant asks Ryuji.

“Nah. I was just getting sick of having to see the women making goo-goo eyes at each other. But clearly that didn’t work out,” Ryuji says, gesturing to where Yong-Yut is slowly pulling an upside-down bucket off the ground. The small pillar of sand sticks together, which is apparently a reason for Taka to hug Yong-Yut, who turns red. _Spirits, when will they put two and two together._

“Well, we were the ones who suggested this whole thing, so we have to do _something_ ,” Jee says.

“Take a nap?”

“Very funny.” Ryuji lies down anyway. Jee nudges him with his foot. “Get up. We have to build something.”

“Hm, what’s that? Sorry, can’t hear you over how comfy this beach is.” Ryuji looks up when he hears Jee’s footsteps walk away. When the lieutenant comes back out of the ship, he is carrying the two shovels from the engine room. Ryuji narrowly dodges the shovel that is thrown at him.

“Start digging,” Jee says. The engineer does as he’s told, curious as to what he has in mind. After a good amount of shoveling, the lieutenant steps back and gestures at the hole. “Alright. Get inside.”

Ryuji lifts a brow. “Damn. I knew one of us was going to snap and kill the other eventually but I didn’t think it’d be so soon.”

Jee glares in his direction. “You can lie down and I’ll bury you. I won’t cover your head.”

“Aww you really do care,” Ryuji says, clasping his hands in front of his heart.

“One more word out of you and you’re getting a mouth full of sand.”

\- 

“What if we build a moat?” Mikazuki asks. Hoshi agrees that it’s a good idea, at least in theory.

In practice… not so much. Despite all their efforts, the pair ends up with a pool of water surrounded by a disheartening wall of sand.

“I think it needs more water,” Mikazuki says while scrutinizing the “castle”.

“It does not need any more water,” Hoshi says.

Mikazuki pouts. “That’s what you said last time.”

“No more water.” When the cook next turns their back, Mikazuki bends some more water into their pool. _For some extra flavor,_ she thinks.

\- 

“I have come to kick down your sandcastle,” Prince Zuko declares, his hands on his hips.

Jee looks up from where he is whittling a stick in the shade. “We don’t have one. I buried Ryuji.”

The boy frowns. “That’s not a sandcastle.” _Ah yes, glad to know where our captain’s priorities lie,_ the man thinks.

“Then what do you suggest we do, Your Highness?”

Prince Zuko doesn’t reply, instead searching the ground for something. He returns soon enough and places a shell on Ryuji’s hair as the engineer sleeps. The boy turns back to Jee. “Can I kick your sandcastle now?”

The lieutenant suppresses a smile. “Go right ahead.”

As the boy begins to pull his leg back, Jee begins to regret his words. He remembers how - just moments ago - instead of climbing up like any reasonable person who can’t reach would, the Fire Prince had simply bent a lower branch of a lychee-date palm tree toward him and slammed down on it with his ankle. It snapped off the trunk, allowing him to bring the _entire branch_ to his uncle, who asked for some fruit _(“You shouldn’t be eating miscellaneous fruit you find, Uncle!” “But we’re running out of food!”)_.

“Wait!” the lieutenant calls out.

That has the desired effect of making the prince stop in his tracks, along with waking Ryuji up. It also has the not-so-desired effect of making Jee the target of the boy’s ire. Prince Zuko glares at him. “You said I could do it.”

“Do what?” Ryuji asks, still a bit groggy. The other two ignore him.

“Just… be careful. Don’t use your full strength.”

“ _Fine._ ”

“Be careful doing what?” the engineer repeats, more alert now. His question is answered with a swift kick to the side of the head, causing the shell on top of his hair to fall off and sand to fly into his eye. “Watch it!” 

“That was not my intention.” Jee has to cover his mouth with a hand to try to stifle his laughter.

“Like hell it wasn’t,” Ryuji mutters. The engineer tries blinking the grains away, to no avail. He ends up just squeezing his left eye shut. “Hm. Well at least now we’re matching,” he says, looking up at the prince. _Does he seriously have no survival instinct?,_ Jee wonders.

Prince Zuko scowls down at the engineer, then turns. As he runs back to his sister, the boy kicks up sand, which flies into Ryuji’s _other_ eye. One look at his face that is flushed with anger causes Jee to burst out laughing. _That boy sure is lucky Ryuji’s buried right now._

\- 

“I used to make sandcastles with Lu Ten,” Iroh says. Anzu looks up from working on their admittedly shitty sculpture. Her friend doesn’t talk about his son much. “This was back when my nephew was still a baby.”

Yong-Yut, who is sitting nearby with Taka, signs a question. Anzu catches “Z-U-K-O” and the word “baby”, but that’s it. The healer feels a bit bad that Yong-Yut has to dumb herself down to communicate with her, but hey, at least she’s made an attempt. The two have so far only focused on words that would be needed in a medical emergency, like parts of the body, “problem”, “hurt”, numbers, “pregnant” - _“No problem,” the woman had signed. “Why not?” “Can’t.” “...if Taka gets pre-” “No!”_ \- “good”, spelling, “broken”, _et cetera, et cetera._

“What was Zuko like as a baby?” the navigator translates.

“Don’t answer that question!” The prince throws a fireball at the older pair’s sandcastle as he runs by. Meanwhile, Iroh lights up at the opportunity to embarrass his nephew.

“Prince Zuko was the chubbiest baby! It was quite amusing to watch him try to travel around on his chubby legs,” Iroh laughs. 

“He had Princess Ursa’s eyes,” Anzu adds.

“You knew him as a baby?!” Taka says, baffled.

“The little bastards were delivered by yours truly. No need to thank me,” Anzu jokingly gloats.

The navigator laughs at Yong-Yut’s signed response. “She said, ‘I was actually going to say that this is all your fault.’”

Iroh chuckles before continuing. “Both of them look so much like their mother. She was always so patient with them. Ursa still devoted most of her time to her son, even when pregnant with Princess Azula.” The man smiles. “I would often have tea with her out in the garden - nettle leaf, specifically - while we listened to Zuko babble to us; he started speaking later than most, so my son would make a game out of trying to translate.”

“He also had _quite_ the tantrums,” Anzu says.

“Some things never change,” Taka mutters. Yong-Yut elbows her in the stomach.

Iroh ignores the interaction. “Once Princess Azula was born, he would carry her around and make up stories about every portrait in the palace. A lot of them ended with the person in the painting being eaten by a dragon.” The siblings in question walk over to the group, seemingly done with their sandcastle.

“I was a perfect baby,” Azula says while flipping her hair.

“You threw up on me so many times!” Zuko says, throwing his hands up in frustration.

“And who was the _genius_ who thought he could pick me up?”

“...me.” Zuko sighs.

\- 

Zuko stands with his sister, flanking their sand _palace_. He admits that most of it was Azula’s doing - _and thank the Spirits for that, because it looks_ nothing _like home; I wouldn’t want to take credit for it._ She probably _does_ remember every single detail of the palace, but that doesn’t necessarily translate into ability to recreate it in sand. She’s still ten, for Agni’s sake.

The siblings still present their creation as if it is their pride and joy. Zuko is all smiles when he explains his additions. He points to what is supposed to be the turtleduck pond - it was Azula’s idea to actually add water to it. _Maybe that’s where we went wrong._ Next to the pond are four different objects that he spent a good amount of time searching for between throwing fire at Mikazuki and Hoshi’s _puddle_ and pushing Chai Son into the water. 

_(“Why isn’t your hair wet? I just dunked you!” “I dried it by utilizing my bending.” “Lucky duck!” Zuko’s quack in response sent Chai Son into hysterics.)_

“That one is Father, because he is the strongest of the family,” Zuko says, gesturing to the smooth black stone that is the size of the prince’s hand. “Mom is the stick next to it. It is… unfortunately not quite realistic - she was taller than him.” He then points to a piece of brown seaglass. “That’s me.”

“Why, because you’re broken?” Azula asks, smiling wide. _She thinks she’s so clever._

“I just thought it was pretty, you don’t have to be so harsh about it,” Zuko frowns. “Azula’s the shell because she’s empty inside and tiny.” He laughs as his sister tackles him, destroying their sand castle.

\- 

Apparently, Mikazuki’s waterbending practice _was_ worth something to Chai Son. He’s no master, but it _did_ make bending his sandcastle - away from the others, of course - a whole lot easier.

“It ain’t much, but it’s honest work,” Chai Son says, gesturing to his creation. He meant to add a third turret, but got sidetracked when he had to fend Prince Zuko off from jumping onto all of his hard work. _It’s still pretty good, if I do say so myself._ Especially compared to Hoshi and Mikazuki’s pool - _”It’s spicy, try it!” “I am not drinking your seawater.” “If you were a_ real _judge, you would. Prince Zuko even boiled it for us.”_ \- General Iroh and Anzu’s campfire, Taka and Yong-Yut’s stomped-on mounds, the royal siblings’ pile of trinkets, and Jee’s… Ryuji?

“Chai Son wins,” Gan says after only a second of deliberation.

\----- 

Hoshi looks up when the prince sits next to them while they prepare dinner. He wrinkles his nose at the amount of lychee-dates. “We need more food and supplies.”

“Really? Personally, I could eat these bad boys for _days_ ,” the cook jokes, attempting to get a positive reaction out of the boy. If anything, his frown just deepens.

“We may have to. The next occupied port is a week away.” Prince Zuko looks across the water, where lanterns are so close to the island that Hoshi can see them flicker. “But the nearest Earth Kingdom one is a lifeboat ride away.”

Hoshi catches on quickly. “Given the fact that the last time you tried something like this you set _my_ kitchen on fire, I assume you don’t have much… professional experience?” The prince nods. The chef rubs their chin in thought. “I’ll go on night watch tonight. We can plan more then.”

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spending the entire day writing a beach chapter that is twice the length of a usual one is something that can be so personal
> 
> words:  
> thanaka = a paste from water & ground bark of the thanaka tree. used in Myanmar - along w/ (from what i could find) parts of Thailand, India, & Malaysia - as both a cosmetic and as sunblock
> 
> sakura = japanese word for cherry blossoms
> 
> mono no aware = japanese phrase that can’t be exactly translated into english. i provided wikipedia’s explanation for it as azula’s dictionary definitions. from my understanding, cherry blossoms are a symbol of this concept b/c of how short cherry blossom season is (the blossoms last for only ~2 weeks)
> 
> eschar = an english word but putting it here to save you from the graphic images that come up when you search it. it’s a piece of dead tissue that is cast off of the surface of the skin (in zuko’s case, from a burn). it sorta looks like a scab but worse and also black. eschars may be allowed to fall off naturally or may require surgery. for zuko, he still has a few on the edges of his scar on his torso that anzu is letting heal naturally
> 
> god i miss the summer. i live in a coastal town with five Official beaches (six if you count the spit) and the closest one is five minutes away from my house biking distance. i just... really miss spending the entire day at a beach with friends and ordering pizza and listening to music grrrrrrrrrr  
> fun story: this past summer i went to the beach near my house w/ my best friend and we found two bones. one is an entire vertebrae that i have on my dresser. wack
> 
> i had so many possible songs to use for this chapter, so here are my playlists that have this chapter's vibes:  
> [beach](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Z3OtG1gIVBHoYGa112tX6?si=b13I1vdpSdizVTNb_3TvQg&utm_source=copy-link)  
> [wasted youth](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/535sE3bFG2RdGTeWfwrJBu?si=LCcA2_R6RXWkGFtkwy0DDg&utm_source=copy-link)  
> [playdate](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3AWGRvjSVhmPrzpSYv1WXB?si=SJbjclR3Sfi42mAOX8qaoA&utm_source=copy-link)
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter bc i Loved writing it. and i have big things in store for the next few ones... >:) if you think this one is Way too light and childish... there's a reason for that... >:) this was originally going to be with chapter 14... for some contrast... >:)
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are INSANELY appreciated. questions, favorite parts, ideas, things you wanna see more of in the future, things you wanna see that haven't been explored yet, etc etc. i LOVE talking w/ you guys and getting input; i really do mean it when i say comments make my day (feel free to make them as long as you'd like lmao)
> 
> if youve made it this far i am simply in love with you
> 
> \- ez <3
> 
> edit 3/7: i changed the chapter title & summary :)


	14. refuse surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Every single thing_   
>  _You try to hold will_   
>  _Fade like a dying ember [...]_   
>  _Taken by a light_   
>  _With pitiless eyes_   
>  _You were afraid of leaving [...]_   
>  _I hope you'll find a_   
>  _Lull that feels like breathing_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my regular end notes blabbing will be posted on my tumblr instead to keep this Pristine
> 
> mini playlist:  
> afraid by roar
> 
> a mask of my own face by lemon demon  
> i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song) by fall out boy  
> knife fight by lemon demon  
> murders by miracle musical  
> are you satisfied? by marina  
> 1937 state park by car seat headrest
> 
> good luck! >:)

The prince meets Hoshi on deck of the _Kage_ once the others have gone to bed, as promised. _Thank Agni I don’t have to make him go back and change,_ the chef thinks, taking in his all-black attire. “Why are you bringing your swords?”

“We are going to an Earth Kingdom town at night. Firebending will be easily seen. And anyway, today is the aphelion; our bending is slightly weakened, so it will not be of much use.”

“We won’t have to bend if we don’t get caught.”

“You have a point there.”

“Tie your hair up in a bun so it doesn’t swish around,” Hoshi says. They finish braiding their hair down their head, leaving two short pigtails at the nape of their neck. They quirk an eyebrow when Prince Zuko hesitates. “You _do_ know how to do that, right?”

“Uh-”

“Spirits, you're useless.”

“Hey! It is not like I could just tell my servants to stop doing their jobs!”

“Whatever. Just let me do it. You’re already loud enough.”

The prince scowls at them and stomps over to the crate they gesture to. He hesitates before sitting down. Hoshi starts to reach for his hair when a hand catches their wrist. “Yank my hair, touch my scar - touch _anything_ other than hair for that matter - or step out of line in _any_ way, and we are having Hoshi flambé for dinner tomorrow. I am only letting you do this for the sake of our mission,” he growls. The cook nods vigorously, their eyes wide. “Now make it quick.”

Hoshi speaks in a whisper voice as they work. “Now you’re not gonna like this last thing-”

“What have I said about speaking up?” Prince Zuko snaps. Hoshi frowns; the two of them have been loud enough already. _We should really get going soon if we don’t wanna get caught sneaking out,_ they think. 

“What is _up_ with you and volume?! I’m being exactly loud enough,” Hoshi whisper-yells. “I was actually just saying that you’re loud as _fuck_. You need to be careful in order to not get caught.”

They can feel heat start to emanate from the boy. “I am at a perfectly reasonable volume,” he hisses. “And anyway, I am able to be stealthy. Shadowbending, remember?”

“It’s night, dumbass!”

“I do not care!” Prince Zuko says, voice growing even louder.

“Ssshhh!” Hoshi stops with the prince’s hair so they can try to hear if any footsteps are approaching. None. “Agni, do you have a hearing problem or something?” they accuse, voice lowered again.

Prince Zuko fidgets in his spot. The cook is glad that they are now finished tying the boy’s topknot, as his scalp has grown feverish under their fingertips. It takes him a moment to respond. “And so what if I do!” He whips around to face them.

That pulls Hoshi up short. _I didn’t expect him to actually answer._ They both stare at each other, as if even the prince is surprised at what he said.

“Prince Zuko-”

The boy scowls again before grabbing the sacks he had brought out on deck. He quickly walks over to the lifeboat and throws them inside, leaving Hoshi in the dust. _Why hasn’t he told anyone?,_ they think. They follow him and help lower the lifeboat down.

The pair rides in silence, giving the cook a chance to think.

Hoshi’s older sister - _Shizu! Her name is Shizu!_ (Hoshi smiles when her name comes to their mind easily) - is deaf. She has been since birth. So they know how to… not _“deal”_ with people with hearing loss, because it’s not like they’re burdens, but… Hoshi is experienced. They’ve had quite a few interesting conversations through sign with Yong-Yut; they admit they’re a little rusty, so the woman sometimes has to repeat herself or try to explain in other ways.

_Shizu is stubborn and… I remember… There was this one time when… She would always… Both of us were quiet… She asked…_

_Nevermind._

Point is, Hoshi gets it. They think. They don’t know what caused the prince’s hearing loss - _Maybe it has something to do with his scar? I don’t know, I’m just a cook, not a healer_ \- but they know how they should accommodate for a stubborn little shit like him. 

They look over at the prince, who is watching the lanterns of the nearby town shimmer on the crest of the waves with his arms crossed, having refused to help row. Hoshi clears their throat loudly to get his attention. “You’ll want to try to conserve your energy.”

The boy startles and turns to look at them in confusion. Hoshi puts the oars down and signs what they can remember – _it’s too dark to see, but Prince Zuko has his weird heat sense thing going on, so I’m good._ “Save your energy,” they repeat. “It will help with breathing quietly. We can go slower if it means not getting caught.”

The Fire Prince turns back to the water, leaning his arms on the side of the boat. “I do not need your pity.”

“It’s not pity. It’s strategic.” Hoshi picks the oars back up and begins to row again. If their hunch is correct and he’s only hard of hearing where he was burnt, and not in both ears, then he should be able to hear them fine when he’s facing that direction. “When jumping off of things, land first on the ball of your foot, then you can roll your heel down. It will reduce noise and hurt your ankles less.”

Hoshi moves on to non-hearing related advice. “Only take what we absolutely need, so little that its absence won’t be noticed. Don’t overload your bags, it’ll tire you out to have to carry all of it. We should split up to cover more ground, but stay close enough to each other in the event of an emergency.” The boy nods along.

They both hop off of the boat at the shore. “You should probably put your bandit hat on now,” Prince Zuko says. “Personally, I- I do not have one, but I modified this theater mask.”

Hoshi puts their balaclava on, the only hole in the fabric showing their eyes and the bridge of their nose. The prince puts a blue and white mask on – Hoshi doesn’t recognize it, not being able to afford going to the theater growing up.

“We look good,” they say.

“Yeah. We do.”

\----- 

Zuko is a little slower than usual, what with the long day at the beach and now the aphelion dwindling his strength. Nevertheless, he is able to keep up with Hoshi’s quick movements without straining himself too much.

Anzu treated him well - as always - and was able to keep him still during his first few weeks of healing so he would not suffer any scar contractures. Even so, the skin around his joints is still tighter than it should be.

His grip on his left dao is looser than that of his right - squeezing his left hand together can get painful, and his hand is weak. Zuko may not need his swords at the moment, but it is comforting to feel their weight in his palms. Mai used to say the same thing. She runs with her arms extended behind her back and knives ready at her wrists. He smiles at the thought of her - he has missed his friend dearly.

The prince runs along the rooftops with Hoshi, dropping down when they find stalls that will be of use to them. The wind seems to carry him.

Zuko admits that his companion is fantastic at what they do - they are capable of staying completely silent, even when they find a single zucchini-pumpkin in stock. Still, their eyes crinkle in glee as they place it inside one of their bags. Zuko smiles underneath his mask.

\----- 

The pair are resting on the top of a building, both with their masks off in order to drink from their canteens. Hoshi wipes their mouth on their sleeve then smiles. They’ve missed nights like these. Having someone doing it alongside them isn’t too shabby either.

Prince Zuko suddenly shoves his mask back on, caps his canteen, and unsheathes his swords. “Someone’s coming,” he whispers. _Oh right,_ Hoshi thinks. _Heat sense._ They pull their balaclava back on, and both recede higher up on the roof, away from the edge.

Seeing that the boy is straining to hear - and see _(ha, short)_ \- what is happening below, Hoshi begins to sign what they can. “There are two people. They seem to be fighting. No. One person is following the other, who is trying to get away.” The two people come closer to the building the duo is crouching on, making it easier for Hoshi to make out what is happening.

“It is a man following a woman. She is crying and… her robe is ripped at the bottom.” The young adult doesn’t know how much they should tell the boy. They don’t think General Iroh would appreciate them telling his nephew the disgusting words the man is calling the woman.

A sharp cry rings out. Hoshi winces in sympathy. “She got hit in the face. He… has cornered the woman…” They aren’t willing to continue watching. 

“We have to help!” the prince signs.

“No we do _not_!” Hoshi gestures back before grabbing his arm to stop him. The two of them _should_ be getting out of here.

He’s much stronger than they expected, and is able to break free of their grip easily. “I can’t just stand by and watch!” The boy silently jumps down from the top of the building, landing on the balls of his feet before rolling his heels down.

\- 

When the Crown Prince had been reduced to nothing but a whimpering pile of bandages lying in the extra cot in Anzu’s room, his sister would often read to him. Her book of choice was the dictionary. Luckily for him - _I don’t know what I was more likely to die of, infection or boredom_ \- she hadn’t gotten through very much of it at all before he was allowed to get out of bed. He still remembers some of them, though; the definitions would help distract from the pain.

_abominable_

_adjective._

_causing moral revulsion; worthy of or causing disgust or hatred._

That’s what this man is to him. Abominable. Zuko’s no idiot. He knows what that man was planning to do to that poor woman. 

The palace is an old structure with thin walls. Zuko’s room was - _no, still is_ \- situated between his parents’ and Azula’s. He heard a great deal of the adults’ interactions: Mom’s crying, Father’s yelling, Mom yelling _back_ , the quiet after he hit her, the shuffling of sheets, the creaking of the bed. He’d usually go into Azula’s room to avoid the sound by then.

But that’s different. Mom… she didn’t _deserve_ it, no one does. But Father can’t be wrong. Mom opposed him. She yelled back. But this woman here didn’t do anything. And that makes Zuko _furious_.

He sneaks up on the man from behind and slips a sword up to his neck, though it’s a bit difficult, considering Zuko’s relatively short stature. His dual dao are a bit too big for him; the prince trained under Master Piandao, but Father pulled him out of lessons abruptly before he could make his own blades. Instead, Zuko inherited the pair that Lu Ten had made with the master.

The man quickly lets go of the woman. Zuko steals a glance at her; she’s on the ground, shaking, but as far as he can see, she only physically suffers from a split lip and bruised jaw. Because of this distraction, the man is able to elbow the prince in the stomach and free himself. The stranger pulls out a knife.

\- 

Hoshi drops down behind the prince. Despite the obvious size difference, he seems to be really holding his own against his opponent. 

The thief sidesteps the struggle - they feel a strange surge of pride when the man swears at the challenge - to help the fallen woman. They kneel down beside her to be on her level, and extends out their hand. The woman takes it, and after Hoshi helps her up, they run out of the alleyway and away from the fight.

\----- 

The man - who has been able to get a few scratches and punches in - loops his arm around Zuko’s neck in a tight grappling hold. His left hand - his _weaker_ hand - drops its sword and reaches to claw at the arm that chokes him. His opponent is taller than him, so only the tips of his toes are in contact with the ground. His already labored breathing turns to wheezing. He’s dimly aware of a cold blade held against his right side. His heartbeat pulses in his ear _(One two. One two. One two)_.

His right dao is held at an awkward angle. Zuko is losing air fast. Right as a searing pain fills his right abdomen, he straightens his arm and jabs his sword upward with all his strength and a cry of pain.

Even in his weakened state, plunging it in is more difficult than it should be. The tip of his dao is met with resistance before finally piercing flesh - like an awl that the palace leatherworker used. He doesn’t know how deep it is, if it’s enough to render the man unconscious. He feels hot liquid spray above and onto him.

The man’s arms loosen a bit in surprise or pain, but maintains a hold around the boy. This gives Zuko enough mobility to drop his heels down to the ground, causing the man to tilt forward on his back with him. Zuko then heaves his whole body upward again to cut in deeper. It isn’t pretty or efficient, but it’s all he can do with so little air.

He twists the blade for good measure. He’s not sure what, but he thinks he feels something snap. Hot, sticky blood sprays onto his mask and hair and chest and blade and arm.

\- 

As soon as Hoshi has gotten the woman to safety, ensured that she’s ok, and told her which foods will aggravate her bleeding lip, they run as fast as they can. They shouldn’t have left Prince Zuko for so long.

Their boots pound against the road in time with their racing heartbeat.

_One two. One two. One two._

\- 

Zuko turns around to face the man, who is still leaning against him. He lights a fire in his palm _(a heartbeat)_. He glances at the injury; the point of his sword bore a hole in the man’s neck. The carotid artery is cut raggedly. 

The man’s eyes are wide in shock. They are green. That should make this worth it.

_(An eye for an eye.)_

He’s just some Earth Kingdom scum. He deserves it just for that - the circumstances of his birth.

_(“Lucky to be born.”)_

But when the boy sees his own golden flame _(dragon’s fire)_ flickering like candlelight in the reflection of those terrified eyes, all he can think of is his mother.

Zuko quickly extinguishes the flame and shoves the man off of him, much harder than necessary. Blood drips down from the inside of his mask to his face. He is barely able to catch his breath before he has to rip his mask off and doubles over, vomiting up his meager dinner. He can hear the man choke on his own blood behind him.

Done retching, Zuko leans against the cool stone wall. He can’t run away, can’t hide, can’t escape. He’s afraid of leaving. All he can do is watch.

The dark, oceanic sky holds an opalescent pearl that casts light on the bloodstained face of the boy. He heaves in huge breaths of the cool night air, holding onto his bleeding wound.

\- 

Footsteps lead toward the alley. When Hoshi arrives, it seems as if the man’s eyes had drooped a long time ago. The pool of blood on the ground is stagnant and small, intermingled with the dust on the ground; most of it is on the boy.

\- 

The heir to the throne and child of the Sun lives.

\- 

“No one must know. Unless… you want to tell your uncle.” A minute shake of the head. “Then no one will know.”

A beat of silence. Hoshi doesn’t quite know what to do. All they know how to do is keep moving. “We should both have our masks off when we get back to the ship.” A nod. “You can try to wash off once we get to the shore.” Another shake of the head. Hoshi understands - in the near darkness, the inky black ocean would be a comfort to no one.

More silence. A lull. The boy breathes shakily beside them.

“I just killed a man.” His voice is empty. When Hoshi looks at him, his face is blank.

“…That’s… rough, buddy.”

He snorts humorlessly. “Understatement of the century.” The two lapse back into silence for a moment. _This isn’t safe. We should be leaving,_ Hoshi thinks, eyeing the body.

Zuko clears his throat and looks at them. “Have you… ever…?” His face is open, begging for a reprieve, for relief, for reciprocation.

Hoshi shakes their head. “I don’t know.” 

“What do you mean you don’t know?” he says just as softly.

“Don’t remember. Not much up here.” They knock on the side of their head, then turn back to face the other side of the alleyway. “I mean, I probably have. We _are_ at war.” _It’s a fact of life (of war)._

\- 

There is no glory in death. No honor. No catharsis.

_catharsis_

_noun._

_the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions; cleansing._

Isn’t that ironic? In search of purification, all Zuko has ever done is contaminate himself. He wishes to scream until his voice is raw and bleeding, to wash away the soot that sullies his tongue - _fury. It tastes like ash_ \- to expel this pain and anguish that slithers from the depth of his stomach up to his throat and past his bared, snarling teeth. Flames lick at his jaw and curl around his molars, begging to escape. But all he ever does is dig his hands deeper into the cool, dark earth.

He sees red.

Every night he yearns for refuge, begs for rescue, cries for recovery, prays to the Spirits for a release. For revenge. _An eye for an eye._

And the only response he ever gets back is remorse. And more repression. And residue of a life half-lived _(mono no aware)_. And a requiem for an unscathed boy who would sing with his mother and tell stories to his baby sister, who would joke with his uncle and dance with his cousin, who would fight for his father and speak up for his people.

He has been clawing at the ground to deepen the chasm, gravel scratching his palms and dirt getting underneath his fingernails. He churns earth that hasn’t seen the light of day in millenia. He is all cracked skin and bruised knuckles and dislocated fingers and burnt-off prints and calloused thumbs and _soil._

His hands are muddy and worn from digging the boy’s grave. He wonders if they will ever be truly clean again.

Zuko is still angry. Spirits, is he angry.

It may not be right _(is it ever?)_ , but he is angry at the woman for not running away faster. Angry at the man for hurting him. At Hoshi for leaving him. At himself for being so weak, so useless, so pathetic.

Angry at - _no, not angry. I could never go so far as to be mad at him. Frustrated with_ \- his father for teaching him nothing if not how to fight. With his father for teaching him the pain of surrender. With his father for teaching him a lesson.

_”Suffering will be your teacher.”_

Zuko is angry. But deep down - all the way to the marrow of his bones - he is tired of learning.

\----- 

Hoshi looks down at Zuko as they make their way back to the lifeboat. That’s a… _concerning_ amount of blood. Their eyes widen in alarm when they spot the thin blade protruding from his right side.

“You uh… got a little something… right there…”

The prince grunts. “I know. It is staying in.”

\----- 

The siblings have a routine of watching the stars together. They silently agree to do so when either one is awoken by a nightmare.

The siblings have a routine of watching the stars together. But when Azula goes to her brother’s room, he’s gone.

\----- 

Zuko and Hoshi walk back in silence.

His head is tilted up toward the usual comfort of the infinite black sky and innumerable stars above him. The cosmos hangs its head in sorrow. He searches for constellations, but all he finds are eyes cast downward in shame, doing nothing but _watching. (An audience.)_ His head feels a little faint.

Their head is tilted down to stare at their hands, the unique fingerprints that will never change. They search for the lines of their palm, but all they find are craters coated in dried blood. They wonder if their hands will ever be truly clean again.

With heavy bags of supplies and heavier hearts, the stretch of darkness ahead of the pair seems endless.

\----- 

“I am going to go find him.”

“I’ll go with you, Your Highness. I need to make sure Hoshi is ok.”

“ _Neither_ of you girls are going out there. Lieutenant Jee said that the lifeboat is missing; they obviously left of their own volition. There is no need to worry _or_ wake anyone else on the ship.”

“But _Uncle_ -”

“You can _not_ get everything you desire, Princess Azula! Your brother is _completely fine_ , and I believe Hoshi to be a responsible young person who will not let him get in harm’s way. Now _go to bed_.”

“ _Fine_.”

“You too, Mikazuki.”

“Yes, General Iroh.”

\----- 

_aphelion_

_noun._

_the point in the orbit of a planet, asteroid, or comet at which it is furthest from the sun._

Walking back to the _Kage_ \- back into the shadows - Zuko has never felt furthest from the light.

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont say i didnt warn you
> 
> kudos and Especially comments are SUPER appreciated please tell me Anything and as much as youd like mwah mwah
> 
> \- ez <3


	15. things i hide inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I am a man on the run_   
>  _Running on two empty lungs_   
>  _Running from my own mind_   
>  _And things I hide inside [...]_   
>  _Die young or you can grow old_   
>  _Until they bury you six below_   
>  _Live long enough to tell your sons_   
>  _Things you learned when you were young_   
>  _So maybe I can have some self-control_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whip nae nae <3
> 
> mini playlist:  
> six below by flipturn
> 
> bleeding out by imagine dragons (i know i know. theyre cringe. But some of their older songs are good imo)  
> comfortably numb by pink floyd  
> flip by glass animals (Please go check the lyrics for this)  
> naive by the kooks  
> mama by my chemical romance (now THIS is a classic)
> 
> enjoy!

The ocean’s arms, pulled by the bending of the moon, welcome the lifeboat freely. The gentle waves are too relaxing for the panic that has found itself in Hoshi’s chest. They have to nudge Zuko with their foot multiple times to make sure he doesn’t fall asleep. Hoshi doesn’t care that the prince scowls at them every time they kick him; they’re just glad he’s not gone (yet).

\----- 

Iroh sits out on deck to wait for the two missing people. Anzu sits across the pai sho board from him, a first aid kit lying next to her just in case. Lieutenant Jee stands nearby, surveying the waters. _I am upset that Zuko and Hoshi would take advantage of our leniency like this, but I do hope that the lieutenant will not be too harsh on the cook._ The three of them engage in intermittent conversation.

Iroh scribbles a word on the back of the pai sho scoresheet and holds it up for the two others to see. “There is only one thing worse than dying.” He then writes his nephew’s name above the word so it reads, “Prince Zuko dying.” The general shows the page once again.

“Prince Zuko,” Lieutenant Jee answers _way_ too quickly.

“No-”

\----- 

Zuko is faintly aware of sneaking onto the ship and Hoshi helping him to the infirmary. The cook offers to help, but the prince refuses, telling them to put the supplies away instead. _It’s my fault; I don’t want to be even more of a burden._

Zuko slips into Anzu’s room and immediately grabs the bandages. He lights a small lantern and sits on the cot that he spent so much time on when he first arrived on the _Kage_. Unable to take his tunic off without pain radiating out of his side, the boy rips it more to get a better look. He doesn’t know how deep it went, but the knife itself is small.

Zuko takes a deep breath before grabbing hold of the handle of the knife with his left _(weaker)_ hand. He begins to pull at the knife, despising the sensation of his flesh resisting against the tug of the blade. He is soon forced to stop when the pain becomes unbearable, when the sound of metal dragging against tissue becomes overwhelming, when the blood becomes too much. His lower lip starts bleeding from biting down on it to muffle any noises that dare to try to escape his mouth. 

Zuko breathes again, not daring to look down or think too much. He grits his teeth and quickly rips the blade out. He can’t help but let out a choking gasp as spots swarm his vision. The small knife falls from his weak hand. The boy digs his fingernails into his palms until he is certain that he isn’t going to black out.

He shoves gauze against his wound. Red quickly seeps through the pure white. _Now is time for the hard part,_ Zuko thinks. He lights a stream of fire from his burnt fingertips. He begins to shakily bring it toward his injury when a familiar voice cuts through out of nowhere.

“I thought I taught you that cauterization requires a much steadier flame.”

\- 

The prince doesn’t respond to - or even _look_ at - Anzu, but he does pause. She walks over and grabs his wrist. He jumps a little at the contact. “Let me.” Zuko finally looks up at her with a wide eye. “You know I’m not going to go out of my way to hurt you,” she jokes lightly. Anzu gently pushes him back so he is lying down. He doesn’t resist.

The healer grabs more bandages, gauze, and a suture kit. “I don’t know about you, but I’m no fan of the scent of burnt flesh.” No answer comes from behind her. After placing her equipment on the nearby table, she sits down next to the cot and begins to clean the boy’s wound. It’s a relatively shallow gash, but still takes a considerable amount of time to stop bleeding profusely. “If you’re going to be awake for this then I need you to promise to tell me if the pain gets unbearable.” The boy gives a small nod. “Now don’t move.”

Whenever Zuko woke up for the first few days after being burned, all he would do was scream and thrash around. It’s understandable; he was terrified, blinded, and in insufferable pain. But Anzu couldn’t get any work done, Azula kept complaining, the prince could hurt himself and risked contracture, and it pained Iroh too much to watch. It was easier for everyone involved to give the boy anesthetic until the worst of the pain was over.

Not only is this injury relatively mild, but the medic is also running low on anesthetic; she needs to save it for the worst of the worst. And besides, Prince Zuko is used to having to be stitched up.

“Care to tell me what happened?” The only response she gets is a wince as the needle enters flesh again. “You know you’re going to have to tell me at some point,” she tries again. Still no answer. “Suit yourself.” She continues to stitch in silence.

Anzu speaks again once the boy’s injury is fully closed. “Where’d all this blood come from?” It’s not perfect, obviously - she can tell from the splatter patterns that it must have sprayed onto his chest from behind, but the blood on his face had dripped - but the red that stains Zuko’s tunic and face _almost_ mirrors his scar.

“Don’t worry, most of it isn’t mine.”

Anzu raises an eyebrow. “Care to tell me whose it is?” Zuko shakes his head; apparently, he’s done speaking for the night. The healer sighs. “Fine. Go to sleep.”

\----- 

Hoshi goes to check in on Prince Zuko in the morning, but is stopped by the medic; she says that he’s fine, but doesn’t want to see anyone. Hoshi sighs and goes back to their friends, who are chatting away about nothing in particular. They try their best to engage in the conversation, but keep getting distracted. Hoshi excuses themself and walks back into the kitchen, where they spend the rest of the day ordering and reordering their new supplies.

At dawn, Lieutenant Jee said he was letting them off easy by making them mop the deck. Seeing the trail of blood that led to the infirmary was punishment enough for Hoshi.

\----- 

“Uncle is going to be furious that I disobeyed him.” Anzu glances up from the scroll she is reading to look at the boy, who is staring up at the ceiling.

“No he won’t. He cares about you.”

“If he really cared, then he _would_ be furious with me.”

\----- 

Zuko knows that he should be upset. He knows that what he did should be devastating. But right now, he just feels empty. _(Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.)_ He had barely even registered what happened in the moment; all he remembers right now are the basic facts. It doesn’t matter. It’s just another mistake in a long line of them. _It’s all my fault._

Zuko knows it’s going to hurt eventually. _(Don’t you know it hurts either way?)_ But right now he is comfortably numb, even to the fire that blazes in his heart.

Tomorrow he will be angry. Or maybe a few days from now, every little thing will irritate him until he blows up in somebody’s face. He knows it’s not right _(is it ever?)_ , but sometime soon his anger is going to bubble to the surface, and he will ignite in flames.

And someday it will start hurting.

It may be months from now when he feels the aches begin, or he realizes that he doesn’t remember the last time he smiled, or he slowly slips into madness. Or maybe it will be years from now, and the raw pain of his own creation will hit with the suddenness and subtlety of a volcano, overflowing out of him, weeping rivers of flames, shuttering, spewing ash, cracked and empty.

Firebenders’ skin doesn’t burn easily. Prince Zuko knows this.

He also knows that one day, his own raging fire will burn through him from the inside out.

Zuko knows that one way or another - screaming flames or crying soot, terrifying or petrified, eyes blazing or body torn asunder, bones of charcoal or breaths of smoke, furious or broken - he isn’t going to make it out alive. _(“Lucky to be born.”)_ He’s had to beg on his knees before - _and look where that got me_ \- so he would much rather leave this world kicking and screaming.

But right now, his face is blank.

\----- 

When Azula knocks on the door to Anzu’s room in the morning, she is turned away. She isn’t allowed to see her brother no matter how many threats she makes to the medic.

When Azula asks Taka why the _Kage_ isn’t staying another day at the island like it had been originally planned, the navigator only shrugs and says that her uncle suggested the change.

When Azula corners Hoshi and demands they tell her what happened last night, the cook says they were ordered to keep quiet.

When Azula is playing pai sho with Uncle Iroh, she doubts he will answer her. The princess has noticed that he often ignores her. _Maybe he has a hearing problem like Zuko,_ she thinks. _He_ is _pretty old._ So she (loudly) asks how her brother is doing instead. The general answers _that_ question, at least, saying that Zuko is injured but in stable condition, and that even the man hasn’t seen him.

Azula frowns. She hates not knowing. It - the knowledge, the secrets better left unsaid, the searching, the blackmail, the listening, the superiority of knowing more than others - is her form of control, and right now she feels it slowly slipping through her fingers. She’s so distracted she doesn’t notice until it’s too late that she has fallen right into Uncle’s trap on the pai sho board. For the first time, Azula loses a round of the game.

\----- 

Over the years, Anzu and Zuko’s relationship has become one of reciprocation. An eye for an eye.

Anzu begins to ask the boy questions, knowing that eventually he will want to talk. _Better sooner rather than later,_ she thinks.

(He has yet to tell her how he ended up in a ship infirmary with second- and third-degree burns ruining his Agni-kissed skin.)

“I am going to ask you questions that you need to answer truthfully. I will not tell others,” Anzu says bluntly. Zuko hesitates before nodding his head. “What happened?”

“I was stabbed.”

“I see that. By whom?”

“A man.”

“Why?”

“Because I attacked him. It is my fault.”

“And why did you attack him?”

“Because he was going to attack a woman.”

Anzu pauses for a moment. “Why did he stab you, then just leave you alone?”

“Because I stabbed him back.”

“And so did he run off?”

“Uhh... yes! Yes. I... I did not see where to.” Zuko has always been a horrible liar.

“You agreed to tell the truth.”

“He… did not run away.”

“Where did he go then?”

The boy shrugs. “The Spirit World.” _There it is._

_I knew this was going to happen eventually,_ Anzu thinks. _Just not so soon._ Even Zuko’s father was already sixteen when he first killed. Anzu remembers hearing Ozai’s yelling echo down the palace’s long hallways.

She and Iroh had been courting at the time - it had been brief; Anzu realized she doesn’t swing that way (or _any_ way, for that matter), and Iroh had too many flings during their time together - and a man arrived in the palace infirmary. Anzu tried her best as the healer’s apprentice, but the badly burnt servant couldn’t be saved. Unsalvageable. He didn’t even have any flesh left to patch together. Even so, all she could do was watch as he took hours to die. 

That was the first time Anzu saw death. There was nothing holy, nothing honorable, nothing right about it. It was only sloughed off skin, coughed up blood, and pleading for the end to come. 

When Iroh confronted his brother about it, the teenaged Ozai said the man was useless, a waste of space that just got in his way.

Anzu looks back at Ozai’s son, who is lying in the cot he suffered in. _Thirteen. He’s only thirteen._ The boy turns his head to look at her and try to gauge her reaction. A gold eye _(Ursa’s)_ meets two dark brown ones. Not for the first time, she wonders who blinded him, who burned him, who blackened his charred flesh.

(Anzu knows Zuko. Azula may be a far superior bender than him, but he isn’t capable of making such a grave mistake as to burn his own face off. He knows not to fly too close to the sun.)

“Where’d you hit him?”

“Took me a couple tries, but the carotid. It took a minute at most,” he says plainly.

Anzu nods her head. _This is Zuko, not Ozai,_ she reminds herself.

\----- 

When Zuko finally falls asleep that night, he sees a faceless man with eyes the color of foxfire.

When he wakes up, he cries out for a mother with eyes made of dragon’s flames.

Zuko squeezes his eyes shut again quickly, but he feels arms wrap around him gently, avoiding his injury. He doesn’t have much feeling on the left side of his face - with a great deal of his nerves destroyed, he can only sense pressure there - but he can feel a beard scratch against his forehead. The boy’s breathing slows again as he allows his muscles to relax into the warm figure.

Just as Zuko begins to doze off again, he faintly recognizes the smell of tea.

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i. am not a Huge fan of this (shorter :( ) chapter ngl. i had trouble writing it and i admit it gets a bit… lazy at times. i may or may not have just put the notes for this chap into sentences for most of this. oh well. you get what you get and you don't get upset
> 
> i recently rediscovered the song Six Below by Flipturn it's so fucking good and i just had to use it for this chapter's title & summary. i didn't have the whole pt abt ozai's first kill originally in this chapter so now with that in mind, my choice for the summary is fucking Genius... "Live long enough to tell your sons / Things you learned when you were young / So maybe I can have some self-control"... fuck dude FUCK
> 
> n e ways. comments and kudos are Always appreciated. tell me whatever the hell you want. im gonna go make brownies
> 
> \- ez <3


	16. all the ashes in my wake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When I was a child, I heard voices_   
>  _Some would sing and some would scream [...]_   
>  _I learned the voices died with me [...]_   
>  _All you have is your fire_   
>  _And the place you need to reach_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmm backstories mmm yummy backstories
> 
> [here](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/644880688804478976/here-they-finally-are-all-of-the-family-trees) are all the family trees in this chapter for reference, they may help as you read
> 
> mini playlist (all of these are perfect for this, Please go listen & check out the lyrics):  
> arsonist's lullabye by hozier (cant be a zuko fic w/o it)
> 
> i can't handle change by roar  
> your voice, as i remember it by ajj  
> the night me and your mama met by childish gambino  
> my tears are becoming a sea by m83  
> birds dont sing by tv girl
> 
> enjoy!!!

“Alright, what do we think happened to the prince _this_ time,” Ryuji asks. The crew - with the exception of Hoshi, who Ryuji waited for to go back into the kitchen before asking his question - is sitting in the dining hall eating breakfast. The portrait of Fire Lord Ozai looks down on the table. With the royal family and medic in the infirmary again, it feels a lot like the first week on the _Kage_. _It’s been what, two? Three months? Spirits, does time fly,_ the engineer thinks.

“We’re not placing bets,” Jee says. “It isn’t right to joke about the Crown Prince’s injuries.”

“Since when are you the moral standard?” Gan asks. The lieutenant shoots him a glare. “And besides, it’s probably no big deal. We’ve all seen how dramatic he can be.”

“Maybe they were both kidnapped?” Mikazuki posits.

“Who would want to kidnap Mr. Zuko?” Chai Son asks from beside her.

The girl thinks for a moment before replying. “Maybe whoever it was actually wanted Hoshi, and he just got in the way.”

Chai Son taps his chin with his spoon, getting congee on himself. _Does he think anything through?,_ Ryuji wonders. “That _does_ make more sense.” He faces his friend, rice porridge still dripping off his chin. “If I had to kidnap anyone on here, I’d probably pick you or Hoshi.”

Mikazuki rests a hand on her chest and smiles fondly. “Aww, that’s so sweet.” The interaction baffles Ryuji. _Am I missing something here? Is this really what kids are like these days?_

“Whatever happened, it was probably something stupid,” Taka says, diverting the group’s attention away from whatever the hell _that_ just was. Ryuji sees Yong-Yut roll her eyes.

“You’re saying that as if you didn’t get stung by a jellyfish-urchin just a few days ago,” Gan replies.

“My eyes are far away from the ground, it’s understandable that I didn’t see it!”

Ryuji snorts. “What if he somehow burned the _other_ side of his face off? I bet he got too cocky with his bending.” 

“Have I ever told you how much I don’t like your theories?” Jee says to him.

The engineer smiles proudly. “Multiple times a day.”

\- 

Azula’s eyes scrutinize her brother as he lies in the extra cot in Anzu’s room once again. He was stabbed, that much is obvious. But the girl doesn’t know _why_. The circumstances surrounding Zuko’s wound are… curious, to say the least.

She knows not to ask him about it; the princess doubts Zuko would answer her, much less with Uncle in the room as well. Spending (at least) fifteen minutes lecturing him on every way that this is a result of his own mistakes certainly didn’t help Azula’s case either. Not to mention the jabs she made at his injured side to get her point across.

That’s fine by her, though. She enjoys the mystery. She’ll be able to get clues out of her brother eventually. With their search for the Avatar being indefinite, Azula seems to have all the time in the world to solve this puzzle.

\- 

Anzu told Iroh to not ask any questions. She’s a woman of few words, and those few words are always as direct and meaningful as possible. So when she repeats what she has already told her friend about the severity of Zuko’s wound, it is simply to prove to the boy that his uncle knows very little.

“It didn’t hit anything serious. He’s lucky he still has a bit of baby fat.”

Anzu hears the prince huff from behind her. “I do _not_ have that,” he says sternly. Anzu just _knows_ Princess Azula is rolling her eyes from where she sits next to her brother. The medic ignores him, continuing to address Iroh. 

“In the medical community, the official term is “baby chub”. You should be thankful, Iroh - your nephew’s baby chub saved his life.”

The general wipes away a few stray tears as he speaks. “It truly is a miracle. Thank the Spirits for your baby chub, Prince Zuko.”

“I am once again asking for your silence,” the boy says authoritatively.

\- 

“And I hope this means you have learned your lesson to not sneak out?” _(“Suffering will be your teacher.”)_ Uncle’s tone is serious, but not cold in any way. _Why isn’t he angry? It’s what I deserve,_ Zuko thinks.

“Yes, Uncle.” _(He’s doing this because he cares.)_

\----- 

“What happened?” Chai Son asks Prince Zuko.

The boy doesn’t spare him even a glance up from the map he is looking at. “I challenged the Earth King to a duel and won.”

Chai Son’s mouth goes round in surprise. “Wow! You’re so cool, Captain Fire,” he gushes. The deckhand is pretty sure he hears Ryuji whisper, “Knew it!” to himself from nearby.

\----- 

Life on the _Kage_ grows calm _(well, as calm as possible for a boat full of disgraced Fire Nationals searching for the sole Spirit-blessed master of all the elements)_. After a couple of weeks, Zuko’s injury has largely healed. Still, Anzu has advised him to be wary of overexerting himself.

Right now, he is sitting out on deck reading a scroll about Avatar Roku. Chai Son sits next to him, having offered to help go through the prince’s large collection of texts in order to find information that could aid their search. Azula is meditating toward the bow, while Hoshi lies nearby in a pair of short pants and their wrappings, sunbathing. Uncle and Taka - who are teaching Yong-Yut how to play pai sho - continuously have to avoid being sprayed as Mikazuki practices her bending forms.

Below deck, Lieutenant Jee is taking a nap, and Ryuji is working in the engine room. Earlier, Gan had gotten Anzu to come with him to check on one of the komodo rhinos that seems to have fallen sick.

Life on the _Kage_ has grown calm, but that also means it can get boring. Zuko doesn’t like the (relative) quiet that settles in the air. It’s disconcerting. _(“The wind will carry you.”)_

Zuko’s going home, he knows it. He _has_ to. He can’t continue to burden Uncle and Azula, keep his crew away from their homeland, interrogate every local he comes across, chase a ghost, leave more ashes (more bodies) in his wake, carry any more skeletons, carry any more weight, carry any more _pain_.

He can and _will_ capture the Avatar. Or else all of this - 

A hollow temple filled with charred bones,

A blanket of a sky beaded with stars that is meant to offer comfort,

A pair of bloodied swords held in unclean hands,

A week spent in bed and agony,

A man with a hole in his neck and fear in his eyes abandoned in an alleyway,

A recurring nightmare of searing heat and infinite watching eyes and begging for mercy _(for love, for care)_ and a beloved _(feared)_ leader’s commands and never ending pain,

A burnt down kitchen,

A raging fire in a pair of lungs that refuses to be extinguished,

A crew that is growing to hate the sound of his voice (a fun-loving boy, a caring waterbender, a sarcastic chef, a blunt medic, a passive hawker, a grumpy lieutenant, a knowledgeable navigator, an observant friend),

A lonely birthday for a fierce little sister with stars in her curious eyes,

A reflection of a different, older _(better, stronger, more honorable, more deserving of love, more dead)_ soldier boy in the sad gaze of an uncle looking at his nephew,

A soft bed where a golden-eyed mother would sing her children to sleep that seems as far away as the stars themselves,

A mutilation at the hand of a father (a thousand scorching suns, a sightless and milky eye, a ragged voice that will never fully heal, a deaf ear, an arena full of screams and flesh-tinged smoke, _an ugly, disfigured, melted, horrid face_ ),

An aching heart that longs for the love of a parent,

A young, loving _(weak)_ boy choking on dirt and crying for help, for mercy - _“I am your loyal son!”_ \- as he is buried in a self-made grave, 

A fallen ember that burns brightest in the shadows,

A crushed division that could have been saved if a prince had just _risen and fought!_ \- all of it will be for nothing. 

_(41st. 41st. 41st.)_

_(Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.)_

Zuko’s hands shake from clenching the scroll so tightly. When he puts it down, the segments underneath his fingertips have burned away.

Zuko’s going home, he knows it. But… might as well talk to everyone while they’re still here to listen.

“It says here that Avatar Roku married a woman named Ta Min. Azula, didn’t Mom say that is her grandmother’s name?”

His sister doesn’t even turn to him. He doesn’t bother to think about why he can still hear her well. “Must be a coincidence, brother.”

Zuko hums. “I do not know… it is written that they had a daughter named Rina together…” 

Azula scoffs and finally turns to face him. “The Avatar is our _enemy_. There is no way that we are related to one. And besides, it is not like a weakling like you could _possibly_ be a descendent of an _Avatar_.” 

While Zuko fumes at his sister, he’s vaguely aware of the sound of Uncle taking a rather _long_ sip of tea.

\- 

“You guys can name all the way back to your great grandparents?” the cook asks from where they are lying down.

Azula tilts her head to the side. “What, like it’s hard?”

“To be fair, there _is_ an entire hall of royal portraits at the palace,” her brother adds.

“And yet you still have not memorized their names,” Azula says in a sing-song voice.

Zuko scowls at her. “I had better things to do!”

“Like what? Play around with swords that you will never have to use?” She smirks when that gets a reaction out of him.

“If you’re so high and mighty about it, then why don’t you draw a family tree?” Taka challenges with a smile. 

Azula agrees, if only to prove her superiority. It takes some threatening (and kicking), but she is eventually able to make Zuko give her a piece of parchment, a brush, and an inkstone. “I shall start with our great grandparents, as that is the generation of note.”

The princess’s brush strokes are smooth, practiced. _I could do this in my sleep._ When she has finished writing, she hovers a fiery hand over the parchment to help dry the ink faster. She holds it up for all to see.

“Should someone check it?” Yong-Yut asks. Azula is proud that her own ability to understand sign language has improved greatly. Not that she’s surprised, of course. She was born lucky.

Zuko moves to grab the parchment from her, but she slips away before he can do so. “You are biased,” Azula explains. She ignores the smoke that blows out of his nose and hands the family tree to Uncle Iroh.

The general scans its contents. The princess notices his smile slip ever so slightly; from the angle of his eyes on the page, she deduces that it must be from reading cousin Lu Ten’s branch. Or maybe Aunt Etsu’s. _Was the inclusion of birth and death dates too much?,_ she wonders before quickly brushing that thought aside. _It doesn’t matter how it makes him feel. The information is accurate._

“Nicely done, Princess Azula,” Uncle says while placing the page facedown on the pai sho table. The girl beams. The man stands and excuses himself to fetch another kettle of tea. She doesn’t fail to notice Yong-Yut silently taking the parchment and holding it out for Taka to read as well. _Sneaky,_ the princess thinks.

As Azula turns back around, she _does_ fail to notice the two women’s worried expressions at the sight of only four remaining names that lack death dates.

\- 

“What’s your family like?” Chai Son asks Hoshi, nudging them with his foot. _Like this,_ they want to say. _Like all of you._

“Want a family tree?” the cook asks, pushing his foot away. Their friend nods, so they snag a piece of parchment from Zuko, who calls out in anger. They stick their tongue out at him before sitting down at the inkstone that the princess had left out. 

Hoshi doesn’t remember certain things. They know they _should_ , but often when they search for information in their mind, all they find is blotted, streaked, and crossed out words.

It’s sort of like someone had been looking for komodo chicken in the market and, not being able to find any, took some sea slug instead so they wouldn’t leave empty handed. Except the sea slug is memories of Hoshi’s past, and the komodo chicken is… they don’t know _what_ , exactly. _I’m no poet. I’m just the cook._

But they do remember the feeling of someone looking for _something_ in their mind, asking them questions, chasing memories. Then candlelight when they didn’t have any answers.

Hoshi doesn’t remember certain things. But they’ll be damned if they ever forgot their family’s names. They write their parents’ down carefully to avoid smudging. “My father’s name is Nikko. He’s a nonbender. He raised my siblings and I alone after my mom, Palila, died in childbirth. Dad talked about her a lot. He…” Hoshi pauses and closes their eyes to think. Their voice is wistful when they speak again.

“He would say that she was made of music. That when she sang, the lark-warblers would… they would stop to listen. That her fire dancing was the most beautiful in the entire nation… That every night, she sang lullabies to her babies with a clear voice made of… of sunlight. That she… she was constantly tapping her feet, or… bouncing a child on her hip, or drumming a rhythm on pots like it was her own heartbeat.” _(One two. One two. One two.)_

Hoshi wipes their eyes. They can’t let their tears blot the ink (can’t make it so easy to forget). They wave Mikazuki - who is hovering worriedly nearby - away and suck in a breath to steady themself.

“Taiyo and Atid are my twin brothers. Atid is older than Taiyo by a few minutes and will never let him live that down.” Hoshi adds them to the tree in their respective order. “They’re twenty nine years old but still pull pranks all the time. They’re so inseparable that they even enlisted together.” 

“Shizu is twenty four and deaf.” Hoshi writes down her name before putting the brush down for a moment. “Dad taught us all how to talk to her,” they sign to Zuko. The boy smiles a bit in return. “She’s stubborn and lets everyone know her opinions on matters.”

“Then there’s me.” Their name - 星, star - is written. Their movements are practiced, smooth. Certain. Unforgettable. As unchanging as the lines of their hands and the constellations of the night sky.

“Isra is only… ten? Yeah, ten months younger than me, so she will be turning twenty one as well in the fall. She still likes to be babied though, and always made me do her hair. I didn’t mind it though. It always felt more like I was talking to a friend than to a sister.

“Botan is nineteen and super hot headed. When he was still in school, he’d always be getting in trouble for starting fights, setting fires, y’know, the usual. Dad was usually too busy working to talk to the headmaster of the school, so Taiyo and Atid would take turns pretending to be him.

“And last but not least, Fudo is the baby of the family at eighteen. He’d spend more time reading about bending forms than actually executing them. We all teased him a bit for being the youngest and not being as athletic as the rest of us.” Hoshi frowns when a memory floats to the surface. “Botan would sometimes take it too far, though. This one time, he accused him of killing Mom.”

Hoshi is pulled out of their thoughts by Princess Azula. “Why are you speaking in the past tense?”

The question throws them off guard. “It’s… been a while since I saw them.”

“How long?” Zuko asks, eyebrow creased.

“I think… a year? _Maybe_ two? I don’t quite remember.”

Hoshi frowns down at the parchment. The ink has dried and therefore won’t smudge, so they fold it up and place it in their pocket. Just in case.

\- 

Yong-Yut pays close attention as Mikazuki speaks about her family. It’s a lot of names, but the woman is used to having to memorize long strings of information. And besides, she is made of names. This is nothing.

“My aanaa is named Hama. She was taken from the Southern Water Tribe when she was about twenty.”

_(“My aanaa’s dad was a waterbender, you know.” “Really?” “Yep! That’s where I get my bending from. When she was younger, she had a best friend named Hama who was one too!”)_

“Taken?!” the prince and princess exclaim in unison. Mikazuki blinks up at them from where she is now sitting with the inkstone. “I cannot speak for Zuzu, but at the Academy I was taught that the battles in the South Pole were to spread our culture,” Princess Azula clarifies.

“Well… yes, they were. Taking away the waterbenders helped with that.” Zuko looks stricken at this new information. In his expression, Yong-Yut momentarily sees a little girl dressed in blue upset when her older brother kicked down her snowman. Then another girl - this one dressed in purple and from the opposite side of the globe - whose tears became a frozen sea on her cheeks when she woke to find her favorite guard covered in blood _(an audience)_.

“Aanaa said there were still some left when she was taken though! And the ones who were taken were just imprisoned, not killed.” _Oh no,_ Yong-Yut thinks. _She doesn’t know._ The woman tries to ignore the image of the braided girl shakily holding up an orb of water with a proud smile on her face.

 _(“I’ve been practicing this one a lot. Mom says I’m almost as good as someone with a master to teach them!” “It must have taken a lot of work.” “Yeah. Sokka always gets mad when I drop it on him though.” “I can tell you do it on purpose, Katara!” the boy interjects. Yong-Yut_ \- no, not Yong-Yut. Nukilik. Right now, her name is Nukilik - _laughs at the siblings’ squabbling.)_

“My dad, Iseul, is the oldest of her six kids. The others are Paitoon, Aputik, Ngoen, Uki, and Si Fah,” Mikazuki continues, adding each of her father’s siblings’ names to the sheet. “Paitoon died in the war when I was only two years old.” She adds an X next to his name.

“My mom’s name is Khun Mae. My older brothers are Dak-Ho, Ezume, and Cupun, and Hwan is our younger brother.” The waterbender adds each of their names in turn. “Dak-Ho is twenty five years old, and Ezume is - or, _was_ \- two years younger than him. They were super close because they're the oldest and both firebenders. But…” Yong-Yut notices Mikazuki falter for a second. Her brown eyes darken underneath her bangs. “Ezume got sick and died when he was fifteen. The local doctor refused to treat a Water Tribe boy. Dad had us move back closer to his parents after that.”

Mikazuki’s voice is tight as she continues. “His eyes were such a bright blue…” She sniffles and pulls herself up straighter. “Cupun is twenty two. Mom taught him and Hwan, who is seventeen, how to fight as nonbenders.”

“Strangely, all of my cousins are girls,” Mikazuki continues.

“How many do you have?” Zuko asks.

The older girl thinks for a moment. “Nine.”

“The probability of them all being girls is highly unlikely,” Princess Azula says, her eyebrows creased in contemplation.

Mikazuki shrugs. “Well, that’s just how it happened.” Her movements are fluid as she draws on the parchment. “Aputik had Chantara with her first husband. After he died in battle, she married Sud and moved to his hometown. They had Kallik and Pensri together. Despite being a firebender, along with both of her husbands, only Chantara can bend.

“It’s always fun when Uncle Ngoen and his family come to visit. Neither he nor his wife Kalaya are firebenders, and yet both of their daughters - Sadzi and Malina - _are_.

“My aunt Uki is a firebender while her wife Aki isn’t, but get this! Two of their three daughters are _earthbenders!_ ” Chai Son, who has been uncharacteristically quiet this entire time, makes a strange noise. It seems to go unnoticed by Mikazuki, though. Yong-Yut narrows her eyes at the boy. “They adopted them from the colonies. Apparently, there are a lot of abandoned children there that are half Earth Kingdom, half Fire Nation.” Again, Chai Son makes a quiet reaction. _What is up with him?_

Princess Azula perks up. “Taka is from the colonies!” She turns to the navigator. “Are there a lot of earthbenders where you are from?”

“Yu Dao has been part of the Fire Nation since before the war, but yes, there is a good amount.”

“Did you know any?” Hoshi asks.

“My husband’s an earthbender.” Yong-Yut’s eyes go wide. _Oh shit. Have I… have I been flirting with a married woman this entire time?!,_ she thinks.

Taka glances over to her. “Don’t worry, he’s dead.” _That… slightly helps._

“I’m sorry to hear that, Taka,” Hoshi says.

The woman waves them off. “No need to apologize. He had it coming.” _Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that._

Yong-Yut doesn’t have a chance to ease her heart - which is backflipping just as the royal siblings like to do from great heights to mess with any of the older crew members (or, in the princess’s case, to scare her brother) - before Chai Son finally speaks. “Are your aunts ok with that?” His voice has a tremor to it that it has never had before. “Their kids being earthbenders?”

Mikazuki shrugs. “I mean yeah, they’re still Fire Nation, right? Even if they weren’t born in the colonies, they’re growing up here and their moms are from here. They’re their daughters, of _course_ they love them.” Chai Son nods pensively, eyes adrift. “The hardest part is that neither of them know exactly how they’re going to teach them. Their oldest daughter, Kishi, is seven and can firebend, so Uki trains her. Tamako is only five years old, so she only really uses her bending for making simple dolls and toys.”

“Like my Avatar Kyoshi figurine!” the princess interjects.

“Like your Avatar Kyoshi figurine,” the older girl agrees with a smile. “Joo-Eun only started very recently. The first time she bent, she was throwing a tantrum because Hwan wouldn’t pick her up. She was hitting the ground a lot like three year olds do-”

“Not all three year olds,” Princess Azula interrupts again. “I was a perfectly behaved child.”

“No one cares,” Zuko says immediately.

“You shall pay for what you just said.”

Mikazuki ignores the siblings’ interaction as the crew has grown to do. “Joo-Eun was hitting the ground, and rocks kept popping up from the ground!” She laughs into her hand at the memory before adding another branch of her lineage to the piece of parchment.

“My aunt Si Fah and her husband Kiet’s child is named Bun Ma, and she’s just the cutest! She’s turning two soon.” Mikazuki looks up with a conspiratorial smile. “I’m secretly hoping she’ll be a waterbender like me. She’s going to be one, I can just _sense_ it.”

“What about your mom’s side?” Hoshi asks.

“I actually don’t know too much about my mom’s side, other than that there are at least _some_ firebenders in her family.”

“And why is that?” the prince asks.

The girl shrugs again. “Her family disowned her for marrying someone who’s half Water Tribe. She refuses to talk about them.”

\- 

This is the moment Chai Son has been dreading. Actually, there is a fair amount of moments that he’s dreading. Talking about his family is one of them. _How do I explain without revealing too much? How do I satisfy them? How do I let my friends in without seeing the real me?_

_How do I tell them that I don’t remember the color of my mother’s hair? That I can’t place the accent that found a home on my father’s tongue? That I’m all alone?_

_How do I tell my friends that my name was chosen for me by spitfire soldiers who took me away? That the person they know as Chai Son isn’t real? That once this Fire Nation name is stripped away from me, I’m nothing but a monster with no family?_

He watches Mikazuki add more water to the well of the inkstone. The inkstick in his hand is made of soot and animal glue ( _“Ashmakers,”_ a voice in his head hisses. _Whose is it? Mom’s? Dad’s? An aunt, uncle, cousin?_ Chai Son will never know. He has a voice but no name, no identity to attach to his backstory).

His heritage calls him a traitor. If his friends knew who he is (who he _isn’t_ ), they would rip him to shreds. _Taka… Taka’s different. She said it herself, she even married an earthbender. She doesn’t count._ He’s their enemy.

Chai Son stops himself from grinding the inkstick in a circular motion. Even after all this time, he still has to remind himself that it’s _”not natural, not proper”_ to do it that way. _(“In the Fire Nation, we push the inkstick back and forth. Who taught you to do it in such a manner? Barbarians?”)_

He then suddenly draws his hand back from grabbing the brush. “I…” Chai Son looks up at Mikazuki. He hopes that she will understand. Her family is much larger than his - _she actually has one_ \- but she’s not… _whole_ either.

The crew member doesn’t know exactly if Mikazuki understands, but she seems to take pity on him and shoos the others away, much to the royals’ chagrin. It gives him time to think.

Chai Son has run away from every home he was put in. _I just didn’t fit in._ He travelled around until eventually some authority caught him and put him in an orphanage or with some random family with an open space at the dinner table. Some way or another, they all ended up finding out about his bending. So he’d run. He enlisted as soon as he turned sixteen so he could see more of the world and avoid the orphanages.

The bones that occupy Chai Son’s body don’t feel like his own. He feels like he is back in the Western Air Temple, trying to match a femur with its long-dead owner. A sorrow tends to fill the cavity of his chest that he can’t shake no matter how often he bends. 

_“It is unhealthy for a bender to resist their nature.”_ The thing is, Chai Son doesn’t know what his nature even is. He’s divided. The confusion erodes his brain. Sediment deposits itself in every crevice of his body.

(Coal still lines the skin underneath his nails. He wonders if his hands will ever be clean again.)

(Isn’t that fitting? Stone that was made to burn. The perfect medium.)

(Every night, Chai Son stares into open flames.)

Growing up in the Fire Nation, the boy has been taught to bare his teeth and power through. But he feels this primal urge to rip out his canines and sink his feet into stone and tear at his hair and pierce his skin with sharp rock and refuse to give in, refuse to adapt for others, refuse to cave, refuse to move.

He plasters an easygoing smile on his face when Hoshi checks in on him, saying he’s just tired from reading all day. 

He’s tired of moving from place to place. He’s an earthbender for Agni’s sake. He needs to be rooted somewhere. Chai Son just wants a home.

\----- 

That night, Hoshi traces their family’s names with their finger. They comb through their hair with a wooden hairbrush. Engraved on its handle in shaky scorch marks is the name Isra. Next to that, in delicate carvings graced with songbirds is the name Palila. When Hoshi falls asleep, they dream that a woman hums them a lullaby.

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that fun lil moment when i make myself cry while writing abt hoshi’s mom
> 
> one of my favorite things to write is everyone having a grand ol time while zuko is angstier than ever. sure there’s more nuance to it but it doesn’t get any funnier than zuko waxing poetic about every one of his regrets and failures while hoshi’s over there straight up sunbathing. “i am filled to the brim with unbridled rage and anguish” like calm down lil dude!! yong-yut’s struggling to understand pai sho while mikazuki keeps “accidentally” splashing her with water, it’s not that serious!! you’re busy thinking in fuckin figurative language when you could be on the bow with azula achieving nirvana!!! give yourself a break!!!
> 
> after reading hama’s wiki page i realized that she was the last waterbender left in the south pole when she was taken, while i’ve been writing it as if she - and by extension, mikazuki - don’t know that all of them were taken so. ignore canon. also y'know what? fuck it. waterbender yue. she deserves it
> 
> imma be real w you all: i don’t remember much of canon tbqh. every time i reference some other thing from the show (ex: the dai li), everything i say is either straight from the avatar wiki OR total vibes, no knowledge just freestyling it. this is MY fic and i get to do whatever the hell i want. i also know nothing abt probability, it just felt right
> 
> if you leave comments &/or kudos... are we gonna kiss? 😳
> 
> -ez <3


	17. we digress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _They took a lesson from their fathers_   
>  _Told them that they were the same command_   
>  _Wait for their minds to make complete_   
>  _Their lives stuck beside every & _   
>  _Words & Numbers _   
>  _Sound & Silence _   
>  _Stop the peace & _   
>  _Keep the violence_   
>  _No & Yes & _   
>  _We digress_   
>  _It lives with sad & happiness _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> teeny lil funky chapter all in azula’s own words
> 
> mini playlist:  
> & by tally hall
> 
> the ABC’s by dr. dog  
> brave as a noun by ajj  
> vowels (and the importance of being me) by HUNNY
> 
> enjoy!

An Incomplete Dictionary for Dum-Dums

by Princess Azula of the Fire Nation, Daughter of Fire Lord Ozai

\---------- 

amusing

adjective.

entertaining; often used to refer to Zuzu’s temper tantrums.

apologize

verb.

to admit weakness.

astrolabe

noun.

a tool in Taka’s possession that is used to determine the latitude of a ship at sea by measuring the sun's noon altitude.

atelophobia

noun.

the fear of imperfection; the fear of not being good enough.

Avatar

proper noun.

a childish dream; a ghost.

banished

adjective.

the state of being sent out on a fool’s errand.

betrothal

noun.

an empty promise that is unwanted by both parties.

brother

noun.

a male sibling; someone who can be counted on to be there.

synonym: idiot. 

cartography

noun.

the science or practice of drawing maps.

circumnavigate

verb.

to sail or travel all the way around the world.

colonization

noun.

the action or process of settling among and establishing control over the native people of an area for one’s country; an entirely justified means to spread our great nation’s influence.

constellation

noun.

a group of stars forming a recognizable pattern that is traditionally named after its apparent form or identified with a mythological figure, the best of which is the Azure Dragon.

control

verb.

to have knowledge that others do not.

correspondence

noun.

communication through letters sent by messenger hawk; something that friends are unable to maintain.

destiny

noun.

a foolish notion believed only by stupidheads like Zuzu.

digress

verb.

to deviate or wander away from the main topic or purpose in speaking or writing; depart from the principal line of argument, plot, study, etc.

dude

noun.

an uncivilized slang term used to refer to an individual or as an interjection, primarily by Chai Son.

earthbender

noun.

the enemy; scum.

epitaph

noun.

a phrase or form of words written in memory of a person who has died, especially as an inscription on a tombstone.

father

noun.

a male parent known for his strength; someone to impress at all times. 

synonym: leader.

fear

noun.

an emotion that is not meant to be felt, let alone expressed; the feeling one gets when looking into a blind eye.

synonym: weakness.

formidable

adjective.

inspiring fear or respect through being impressively large, powerful, intense, or capable.

gut

verb.

a partially informal term meaning to cut open and take out the intestines and other internal organs of a person (or animal).

heir

noun.

a person legally entitled to the property or rank of another on that person's death, however undeserving.

idiot

noun.

a member of the Kage’s crew, excluding Taka.

joy

noun.

the state of sitting around a campfire and listening to stories.

juggling

noun.

the act of continuously tossing into the air and catching (a number of objects) so as to keep at least one in the air while handling the others; an odd talent possessed by Gan.

jugular vein

noun.

any of several large veins in the neck, carrying blood from the head and face.

justified

adjective.

a word often used in reference to Father’s punishments for Zuko.

kaleidoscope

noun. 

a large word used in entirely different contexts in order to confuse Chai Son.

lie

verb.

to exaggerate the truth; to tell stories.

merciful

adjective.

showing or exercising restraint from delivering the harshest of punishments, which in most cases is death; see the definition of “justified”.

mono no aware

phrase.

the pathos of things; an awareness of impermanence and transience; knowing everything will be gone too soon - everyone will be taken from you - and all you can do is watch.

monster

noun.

a girl with blue fire.

mother

noun.

a female parent who is supposed to care for her children; see the definition of “trust”.

namesake

noun.

one who is named after another or for whom another is named; an ancestor - for example, Grandfather - whose legacy should not only be lived up to, but surpassed.

nursemaid

noun.

a woman or girl employed to look after a young child or children; a palace nuisance.

opposition

noun.

nonsense that is to be disposed of promptly.

paranoia

noun.

a constant state of being.

prodigy

noun.

a person, especially a young one, endowed with exceptional qualities or abilities; see the definition of “monster”.

queen

noun.

another word for a female Fire Lord; a future.

repression

noun.

the restraint, prevention, or inhibition of a feeling, quality, etc; the correct course of action.

safety

noun.

the condition of being protected from or unlikely to cause danger, risk, or injury.

synonym: brother.

antonym: fear.

trust

noun.

something that is rarely present, if ever.

uncivilized

adjective.

not considered to be socially, culturally, or morally advanced; not a member of Fire Nation nobility.

uncle

noun.

a strange man who smells like tea and tells bad jokes.

antonym: father.

vascular

adjective.

relating to, affecting, or consisting of a vessel or vessels, especially those which carry blood.

volunteer

verb.

to freely offer to do something, usually for one’s own benefit or in order to ask for something in return at a later date.

wrench

noun.

a rather odd looking tool owned by Ryuji that is used for gripping and turning nuts, bolts, pipes, etc.

xylography

noun.

the art of making woodcuts or wood engravings that is practiced by Lieutenant Jee.

youth

noun.

the time between childhood and adult age; a short period of one’s life.

zebra-tiger

noun.

a carnivorous ungulate, that, despite its trademark stripes, easily blends into its natural habitat; warning from Gan: do not approach.

Zula

proper noun.

a nickname.

\----- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know the alphabet are you proud
> 
> i had this idea just yesterday and im pretty happy with it. this chapter also serves as a lil segue, as next update will take place mmm like a couple months after chapter 16
> 
> comments and kudos are very much appreciated!!!
> 
> -ez <3

**Author's Note:**

> aaahhhhh my first fic!!! please go easy on me im illiterate lmao
> 
> my idea of zuko's scar is heavily inspired by [pakchoys's](https://pakchoys.tumblr.com/post/187358780177/went-a-bit-ham-on-the-scar) and [ezralie's](https://ezralie.tumblr.com/post/628179005923803136/my-first-try-at-a-zuko-painting-used-his-comic) [designs](https://ezralie.tumblr.com/post/628244812265553920) of him. 
> 
> i have now made a [pinterest board](https://pin.it/1X3pGpK), [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5yzMEaXrQP6cerh8vdxizX?si=r_hwVYDXRQytYDVeTfjgNg), and [character glossary](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/641180312843534336/character-glossary-pt-2) for this fic! go check them out!!
> 
> [lovely art](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/post/642515318025175040/yoooooooo-i-commissioned-the-fantastic) by cardboardghost on instagram of taka & yong-yut
> 
> come chat to me on my tumblr - [aristotles-denial](https://aristotles-denial.tumblr.com/) \- where you can also see me occasionally yell abt this fic under my #fallen embers & #tfeb tags 
> 
> \- ez <3


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